Gloves Off: Jen
Burning the Language in a Crisis
Today we’ll take a long look at Chapter One by Jen
As always I recommend you read the work as originally posted, here. That way you can have your best reaction before we dig in. Please appreciate the storytelling before we dissect it.
Warning: Hold tight, this is a long one by my standards.
Chapter One
By Jen
October 1995
The great nations of the world were in a stalemate when I arrived on some Marine Corps base out in southern California. It was a war consisting of so much but also so little. Or that’s what Daddy said once. He didn’t say it quite like that though. Sometimes Daddy says a lot to say a little, if you know what I mean. And I guess everyone was really cold, cause that’s what they named it. Anyway, we weren’t there for long before the military sent us back home to Texas, the greatest state in all of America. And out there right in the middle of Texas sits a plot of land that my Grandpa bought back in the 1950’s for 60 bucks an acre. We know it ain’t much, but it’s ours, and that’s what matters, I hear.
My Input: All clear, and a unique voice. It’s the kind of Dickens “Best of Times, Worst of Times” porch we’ve discussed earlier.
This kind of scene setting and world building might serve you better in the second chapter, once you’ve hooked us.
However, in the next paragraph I’m enchanted by the Elvis Presley name drop. Would you consider opening with that anecdote? You could use that story to introduce the main characters and cites places. The Elvis legend would allow each character to chime in on a shared myth. To disagree. Basically to demonstrate who they are. And the shared theme would be easier to follow. Otherwise, we’re hearing about a lot of places and people, and it becomes difficult to retain much.
My gut impulse? Open with the Elvis Presley cheeseburger. If need be, expand the Elvis lore to include the plate, napkin, fork and what all he might’ve touched.
The opening has a To Kill a Mockingbird vibe. In a way it’s what we’ve called a “thumbnail” opening, where we’re shown all the elements that will eventually come into play. That said, I’d like to see fewer of those elements, but see each for a longer beat: Elvis’ visit. The pond. The pool. The cash register. The piano.