Gloves Off: Tom

A Rural Legend?

This week let’s take more time with The Twins by Tom Vandel.

As always, please read the work here, first, to appreciate it before we dig in to any dissection. Let Tom know what you think. Putting work in front of readers can be scary business. Let’s appreciate that boldness.

The Twins

     “Jimmy . . . Jimmy! Wake up! Wake up, Jim. C’mon, I need to talk to you. Hellooo, Jimbo! Can ya hear me?”
     Jack waited and heard nothing. Jimmy was his younger brother, born 58 seconds after Jack. Identical twins, now 22 years old.

My Feedback: Just curious. Why not begin with the attribution “Jack called out, ‘Jimmy…’”? Or, just connect the first and second paragraphs. As this stands we get three proper nouns in quick succession — Jimmy, Jimbo, Jack — and they sound so similar. Then we get some numbers.

People might think that opening with unattributed dialog is sticky and hooks the reader, but does it? I mentioned this with Anthony recently so I won’t repeat here.

One quality of dialog overall is that it does imply a scene: Someone is somewhere saying something. But is your reader hooked enough for you to lapse into expository information about ages and birth order? Careful.

As a warning, I’m going to repeat myself on a couple points: Using dialog to forward plot (don’t, there’s always a better way to forward plot) and using tennis match dialog that answers questions the moment they’re asked. Tennis match dialog might make you, the writer, sound clever, but does it ultimately serve the story?

Raised near the mountains in Hamilton, Montana, Jack and Jimmy went everywhere together, often arm in arm, like drunken polka dancers. They talked alike, dressed alike, ate and drank alike, and were of the same mind in almost everything. Except Jack was messy, Jimmy neat. Jack liked long, hot showers. Jimmy short, brisk ones. Otherwise, they were clones.    
     The duo backpacked the Bitterroots in summer and skied Lost Trail in winter. Both were on the ski patrol. Each started for their high school football team, the Hamilton Broncs, and played key roles in winning the state championship, beating Laurel 21-7.  

My Feedback:  How can you demonstrate this closeness instead of stating it so baldly?

Note, if you create a context for the telling of the story… for example, if the slighted girlfriend is telling it… then you can use more storytelling “voice” and not get accused of short-cutting. Any awkward storytelling devices can be organic to the “voice” of the narrator. That’s why first-person works easier than a third-person omniscient voice. First-person allows you to cheat because a teller filled with emotion — anger, love, betrayal — will naturally burn the language.