The Facts of Life

A short story

The Facts of Life

A Story by Chuck Palahniuk

Troy’s father was determined to do better than his own father had.  When his dad, Troy’s granddad had explained about the birds and the bees, he’d told it like a joke, asking, “What’s the difference between anal sex and a microwave oven?”  Troy’s dad had been six years old at the time, the age Troy was now.  Troy’s dad didn’t know so his own dad had said, matter-of-factly, “A microwave won’t brown your meat.” 

That was it: The facts of life.  So when Troy climbed into the car after school one afternoon and announced the second graders were doing a module on Unsafe Sex, his dad recognized a teachable moment.  The school hadn’t even covered sex, and already they were telling kids what not to do.  Nonetheless, Troy’s dad knew what all politicians know:  You don’t answer the question you’re asked, you answer the question you wish to be asked.  When it came to Unsafe Sex, Troy’s dad had written the book.