152 Comments

Note, One over-arcing rule seems to be that the Contributors are listed in alphabetical order. That may or may not influence your naming scheme. Just look at how many AAAAA Plumbing Supplies you'll find listed in the phone book.

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This is great. One of my favorite author's profile indirectly told you it was a pseudonym by writing in the description that "it was a fusion of two personalities" the publisher didn't make that clear until book 18 of the 21 book series.

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(argh)

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I recently came across the 21st Century version of "AAAAA Plumbing Supplies": There's a restaurant here called Thai Food Near Me.

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I am unable to edit my “bios”.

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Raven Virlimlian, "Satan for Me," Enjoys worshipping Satan and believes in religious freedom unless you're Christian. Also protests banned books but also burns bibles in public in her spare time. She's not a big deal and likes to post that on her Twitter feed at least twice a day. She once had sex with Anton LaVey and isn't about feeding rumors about her personal life. She posts about maybe having sex with LaVey three times a day.

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Anton LeVey, author of ‘Devilhood of The Unraveling Pants,’ can’t fucking stand Raven Virlmillian. He wouldn’t touch that thing with the business end of a ten-foot cattle iron hot and smoking if he had won her at auction. Hell, if you dunked Raven’s angelic head in a vat of caustic like Anton has at the brewery, even then Anton wouldn’t drain his balls if it might neutralize the burn and save Raven’s perfect melting face.

However and of course, in lieu of the upcoming election to declare the top three Gods of Fiction, the prestigious literary award all about showcasing the year’s best truth spinners, Anton would like to go on record saying Ravin Vermilane is absolutely unforgettable in the sack. But please, whatever you do, do not let his wife, Audrey Banks, find that out.

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One paragraph. And it might help to keep it short at first. Cross talk will add the length.

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Lololol!

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Raven Virmilian, 'Goth, Selfie, Die', Totally was never into LaVey and always thought he smelled like piss. She got totally drunk that one time and it was a total mistake but totally doesn't stop talking about it. Winner of the 'Best Satanic Perno actress" award and the 'Best Satanic Selfie to Save America" award.

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audrey banks is a dried up husk who's frozen below the waist.

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I believe this is your real life. Cause my Bible been smelling like ash lately, you know anything about that, Cheap? *side-eyes you*

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Lol. Nah. I'm whole heartedly against burning bibles although Raven represents a few accounts I've witnessed online and I do not like those Satanists at all...and they know it.

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Okay, so if I’m getting this right, you want our invented authors to talk shit to each other? I just hope I can write a bio worth a clap-back. I love this group, and I’m definitely in. Opening a fresh page in Word now…

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Right. You start with a bio or four. As they accumulate you respond to other bios within yours. Please edit to always keep each bio to a flash-fiction length. Pick fights. Take offense. Flirt. Cast aspersions. Spill the tea about each other.

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Totally in. Still working on my Christmas horror, too.

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Jaime Stevens, editor of "Stories to Skip at Bedtime" and sometimes lover of egg nog ice cream, can be found can be found turning out copies of her newest novel "Blood Bags" in the Children's section of her local Barnes and Noble. Youngest receiptiant of the Veggitales Award for Christian Excellence in writing hasn't slowed her down one bit. Jaime is currently working on her 3rd novel "A Plushie for the Afterlife."

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Nope. You need the name of the work you've got included in the collection, up front-ish. You've seen those pages.

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LOL I pulled this example from the Burnt Tongues Anthology

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If we share a basic format that will help us run wild as this progresses.

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Okay I modified my entry to adhere to the current format.

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Superb Pioneer In Kids Educational Discourse. EARL thistlewhite's Student. Ardent Biographer and well Studied IN pedagogy and THE developmental psychology.

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Evan Stevens, "Touch and Believe," is the recipient of numerous speaking invitations at Nominalist churches in the Midwest and a leading figure in the Tactile Heaven sect. Ever since his revelation at the age of ten that all instances of the word "soul" in holy scripture should be translated as "personality," he has advocated for the removal of "make-believe" visions of heaven in Christian bookstores.

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A. Chip Clavicle, author of 'Me, Myself and Chip,' 'Vanilla Chip' and best selling memoir 'Chip Off the ol' Block' is resident in Needles, California with his pet goldfish, A Little Fishy. Chip is 27 credits away from completing his MFA at Wayfar Community Colleg.e.

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Please put titles in single quotation marks since we can't use italics in Comments.

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“Mr. Clavicle, was a resident in Needles, California, until his ex-wife read these credits. She subsequently butchered him and filleted his loin into hearty Chipped Meat.”

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Now, any cross talk will have to occur in another writer's bio.

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Got it.

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O. Block. Author of 'Block Daddy,' Resides in Big Sur, California with his son A. Chip Clavicle. A Wayfar Community College graduate where he minored in 'Fisheries Sciences and Management' with a minor in 'gold fish management.' He's very proud of his son but wishes his son would hurry and graduate already.

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I think Chip may be dead

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Oh he must be sleeping with the fishes.

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Eloquent, Amazing, Refreshing. Liberating. block Daddy Is Delightful. Irresistible. Tantalizing.

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LOLOL. Love.

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Just threw another bio under the bus with that one. Did you see who? 😆

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A. Buster Cavendish, 'Something In My Way.' A. Buster has written numerous articles on pescatarianism. Notably, his manifesto 'Teach A Man To Fish: An Aquarium In Every Home,' was hailed as "a revolutionary idea to address the childhood nutrition crisis in America," by Dr. Phil McGraw.

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J. J. J. Jackson, author of "Nosferatu on the Shore", writes unapologetic fiction in his cabin in the woods, and lives completely off-grid and self-sufficient. His work has been called, ‘intimidating’ by Witness Magazine, and ‘unfathomable’ by That Books Guy. Jackson does not have a web profile or an email address. All book queries should be sent to PO Box 115, Arden, Texas. Internet Search Engine results will not report that all charges were dropped, but they were.

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Nice.

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Nov 3
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Again, you're writing about "yourself" but in the third-person. Later, you'll amend yous bio(s) to riff off what's been posted in other bios.

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Thank you!

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“J. J. J. Jackson authors with the audacity of an aardvark already arrested by ambient alliteration. I’d sooner Stan a solitary snake than snipe at James Jonah Jerusalem’s sizable similes in Shore. That Nos has hot goss.” -Emanuel Goldstein

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As Editor in Chief, Chet Nance, ‘Keep Your Back On Front’ and ‘Snake Eyes,’ has lead Witness Magazine to some very truthful sightings. Of the many sightings is Karen Trace’s ‘… In The Dark’ OnlyFans literary series where both named, and unnamed, creatives have appeared in such “stories” as ‘Mating Ball.’ Chet knows that an audience loves a good reveal. Chet knows that the audience loves a good Christian wife. Chet knows that a part of you is still online. Chet knows what a ‘dumpster fire’ can do to charges, or not. Chet knows that you can get off grid but, Chet knows, you can’t hide. Chet knows that this is gonna be cash only. Chet knows, so don’t even try.

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Ooh, a little sinister! 😂

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lol chet is unhinged. and possibly in violation of the restraining order.

or maybe it one of those 'Memento' type things where its Chet all along but he forgot because secrets and psycho-drama.

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Don, born to greatness, writes what must be read. His perfect prose is always posed at the tip of his pen, The Fulger Nocturnus by Tibaldi,123 rubies 945 black diamonds, an instrument proud to give life to words by Don, the best of the best.

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Please review the suggested format: Name, title of work included in the book, whatever else.

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Nov 3Edited

Marie. K. B. Ph.D SHRM-CP Esq., author of 'Le Son Morpions', survived the barren passion desert that was her four decade marriage before rediscovering herself, and the true love of her life: writing globally recognized and award-winning romance novels. Six Smutly Awards later, K.B. is now an outspoken late-in-life lesbian with Esquire's 'Most Recognizeable' voice in modern erotica.

Known best for crafting 19th-century-French-art influenced stories to escape reality with more heat than her ex-husband ever knew possible, with razor-sharp attitude and zero apologies, K.B.'s tales give her readers exactly what she never got from a man: pleasure, excitement, and desire. In her newest short tale included here you will discover a strikingly familiar plot line should you know her real life divorce story: betrayal, lies, and secrets that simply burn too hot to not set off any fire alarms.

She is still awaiting settlement funds to clear regarding several snake-based lacerations and contusions related to a colleague in this publication, to which she legally, cannot directly say.

To share page space with The Poet Bard in this collection is a lifetime achievement she does not take lightly. You can expect a directly inspired Satanic Sex Party fanfic in next month's Silver Star newsletter. ~ Link to Subscribe on The Facebooks ~

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All good, but what's the title of the story in this fake book? Get that in right after the name. It will help us identify odd names that might otherwise be confusing.

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Of course someone is going to HAVE to respond as the ex-husband.

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Hi K.B., it’s me Cletus. Those forty years were wonderful for me as I had a wonderful sex life, just not with you. I am now married to my sister/cousin, Earlene. You remember Earlene, right? She seen you at the grocery store last week from afar. Came home and told me how hideous you are and that you probably have to roofie your dildo.

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It concerns me with all that generational incest you think you can trust her eyesight at all, Cletus.

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Again, your bio must be in third-person. For example, "Cletus swanned through forty delirious years with K.B., but is now hitched to Earlene..." It's first-person told in third-person.

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Jeffrey T.D Lemon, 'There are toes under my bed'. Jeffrey T.D Lemon is a pseudonym. Martin Thomas uses it to hide from his work colleagues and mother in-law who had a stroke three months ago but really doesn’t want to die just yet. Author of 'How to trick your colleagues into investing in Cryptocurrency'. Memorable article published on the 'Shitterton Tribune' and gone viral for a whole hour. Also partially involved in the script of the Amazon Prime series, 'Hey, you, is that you?'. The series never got made, because Amazon never got the email, but you can find the script online. Enjoy very much his wife’s company, but all by himself he’s okay too.

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Mary F. M. Thomas, 'Did you know Mr Galloway has a flamingo in his basement?', hates writing, hates this stupid collection, hates you all. Only made it here because Martin Thomas doesn’t pick up his phone. Martin, you son of a bitch, you still own me 500 bucks after you Cryto-shit scam, you prick.

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Quick question: is the shit talk to be only between our own bios or are we going after other commenters’ bios?

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Both. Go for it.

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And you might wait until a critical mass of bios has been posted before you cross talk.

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Good question, I actually just shit-talked myself. I'm so polite...

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The most charming scene in 'Fight Club' is where Marla shit talks herself to the paramedics. "The girl is 4B used to be a lovely, charming girl, but she's lost faith in herself..."

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AA Alice Anon, author of 'Alice on the Run' is also author of '100 Recipes for an Ex Husband' and 'Do it Yourself Knife Sharpening' was formally married to A. Chip Clavicle and now writes anonymously while on the lam. Look forward to 'Flush a Fishy' coming soon to self-publishing near you

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C.C. Morrow, 'The Kindness of The Blade', the transmetapsychohorrorcomic author of such works as 'The Last Dance' and 'A Common Miracle', is currently in the final stages of his novella, 'Like Death, Only Better', which he hopes to self-publish in the spring of 2038. The Biltmore Lake Community Gazette has said of his work, “His voice is a mountain winter, caterwauling and craggy.” He’s been thrice featured in the Comments to The Editor section of the Mountain Xpress, and penned the outdoor column 'A Cyclist’s Meditation', once referred to as ‘a wonderful apology.’ He was winner of the East High Poetry Award, and next-runner-up to the Asheville Writer’s Workshop’s Best New Idea Medal. C.C. has won twelve spelling bees and loves to correct others’ grammar. He is the Editor, Copywriter, and Proofreader of Rent and Realty Magazine. Of his story 'A Cruel Lesson', Chuck Palahniuk, author of The Invention of Sound, wrote, “This story follows so few rules I'm not sure where to begin.” Currently resides in what’s left of Asheville, NC with his wife and two dogs. His first work, 'Dinosaurus Compendium', can be found in his mother’s nightstand.

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Angela Morrow, 'How To Love An Insufferable Child', is a keen baker and grandmother-in-waiting. She has spent her twilight years in support of mediocre writers, secretly deleting Word documents on unlocked laptops, and used the bulk of her late husband's life insurance to fund spelling bees in the NC area.

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I’m gonna break the fourth wall here, because my first girlfriend’s name was Angela Morrow. Plus, ‘How To Love An Insufferable Child’ should probably be the title of my wife’s relationship/self-help book.

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Ah, a team building exercise.

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Perfect. Now let's see how people accuse Angela of killing her spouse...

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Love that you quote me.

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M. Zuidema RN BSN DNP PhD is the author of the novel, ‘Jesus Freak to Satan’s messenger,’ and wrote several Pulitzer Prize winning articles on, ‘The need for less lubricants and more screaming,’ and, ‘Roadkill Living.’ He lives in Caribou, Maine and can often be seen with his binoculars, “bird watching.”

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Mark Lovelace, creator of ‘The Quivering Leaf,’ grew up slack jawed on the streets of Richmond, Virginia where he survived by running small-time heists at local bakeries and convenient stores before he needed more. Every Sunday, he’s the pastor to a group of young men trying to better themselves. For messages and donations, please go to JPay.com and type ‘Mark Lovelace’ in the site’s search box.

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Aaron ‘Landfill’ Peterson, ‘Love on the East-Side Tip’, spends his days working as a town dump foreman and his nights writing on a typewriter he fished from Skip C. The scratching rhythm of the skip rats provides the perfect accompaniment for Peterson to type his cozy Dump-themed romances.

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Branagan Donnybrook, Price Fistula, holds an MA from Trinity College, but really found his voice teaching writing to students after school at 826 Valencia in San Francisco, where he hopes to someday visit when his probation ends. In the meantime, Mr. Donnybrook works full time from home as a bartender and is occasionally granted permission to leave his house arrest to serve as a licensed celebrant for Druidic handfasting ceremonies. His work has been shortlisted for the Give 'Em Hell Award for inscrutable writing and he has personally applied for numerous grants. Sundays, the author earns some extra scratch posing as Jesus in the interactive, life-size crucifiction display at St. Patrick's.

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Price Fistula is worth stealing.

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