Can’t help but jump at another opportunity to have my work read (but since I got feedback on the previous call for writing, I completely understand if this one is not addressed). This is the first section of an extended writing piece I’ve been working on to introduce and get into the headspace of the narrator:
Hey Chuck. I’ve revised the Stuffed Crust Conquistador per your awesome feedback. I have one question. Is this now polished enough to present to a publisher? I’m not done writing the remaining chapters yet, but if this is presentable enough, I’d like to use this as a benchmark for myself going forward to make sure I can get all chapters to this level. And if there’s still more to correct, of course feel free to let me know. Here’s the changes I made:
-Re-worked the opening to start with a phrase that I want to point to as a central theme.
-Removed passages about the airport and tree to use later.
-Removed reference to Grody’s cancer and re-worked it to keep that territory more obscure, thus heightening tension as suggested.
-Fixed “Tinkertoys” and did a more ‘on the body’ description. FYI that the bones don’t snap underground as they are too strong and the CB antenna is very flimsy. It just pokes and prods.
-Made the CB antennae a personal object and gave it a name. FYI the term ‘HEARTBREAKER’ is jargon used in the collector community for a broken arrowhead. That term and other specific terms (such as ‘SMOKER’ for a perfect piece) used in the arrowhead collecting community are all things I will work in throughout the story. They are niche words that I suppose will help to build authority. Any ideas/feedback on that are welcome.
Here’s the link to the revised version. At the bottom is also a link to the original version for reference.
PS I also wrote my first shorty story last week per your advice. I tried something really different here. I hope you have time to take a look at it. If not, no worries as I’m already fortunate to have received feedback from you. Seriously though, I am SUPER curious what you think of this story.
I can't wait to take another look. My policy is to avoid reviewing subsequent drafts, just to devote more time to more writers, but I'll make an exception here. Remind me, first, was this the opening for a novel? It seemed like the strong start to a book.
Yes, this is the first chapter. Totally understandable! Thanks I really appreciate any input. It’s so damn motivating. And that’s very kind of you. I know you’ve got an insane amount of story submissions, not to mention all the other stuff you must be working on outside of your Substack. It’s hard enough for me to read even a few of the ones people have posted here while still devoting time to my own writing, reading, etc. I wish I could read everyone’s material. You obviously love this stuff more than anyone. Much appreciated!
Amazing news on Fight Club in Parade. Congrats, Chuck. And yeah, I read Parade as a child (perhaps before you were born). Later, I always had to read the column by Marilyn Vos Savant, the world's smartest person. I always found it interesting that 'Savant' was her real name (her mother's maiden name), not a corny pseudonym.
I like the story but I would begin with this: "Our neighbors, the Andersons, left a week ago. Soon after, I looted their garage and scavenged several tires. Hoping they’d deflect bullets, I strapped them tugboat style to the exterior of our Kia Sedona." Immediately this tells me this is post-apocalyptic. A stubborn two year old is cute and frustrating, especially to her parents, but she needs to be "amped up" to keep reader engaged. Maybe she has an ear splitting scream that attracts the attention of monsters? My impression until the fourth paragraph was that Charlotte was a teenager, which would be much more dangerous. (You can't pick up a teenager.)
Thanks for the feedback! Great advice. I agree, I should have set the stage a bit better in the opening. It's a little confusing at first. I also didn't set the tone right away. I think some of the humor gets muddled because of this. Thanks!
I didn't get through the whole piece but I really enjoyed what I did read. Especially the recipes. I think you should start with the second paragraph. Leave out the first. The photos are good but too large. A little bit more about what narrator loves/hates about Heather would be nice before Sarah is on the scene.
Thank you! The photos came out weird on desktop view, but the majority of my readers are mobile and it works there… I sometimes wish I was a web developer!
You are right about the Heather comment. Thank you again 😊
You deserve it dude, congrats. Your books stand the test of time.
This is part one of a short story, it is inspired by the press machine prompt. I aimed at writing it as a serial killer mockumentary ( I have no clue if this works) but, what the hell, its all about following my gut and bluffing my way to a lucky win at the moment. Cheers.
I asked this question recently. To be safe, I would share anything you intend to publish later in a Google Doc, not as a Substack post, as Ive heard that publishers wont touch anything posted on the internet. Delete the doc after critique. Substack doesnt lay any claim to anything here but I dont know exactly how agents/publishers feel. May just write a short for the purpose of critique that you can apply to your other work.
Exactly. This is a place to identify technique that could be better. Or to test an experimental voice. And if anyone has cold feet they can ask and I'll delete a Gloves Off. They can always delete the link they post here. No harm, no foul.
Hell yeah! Fight Club belongs on that list.
It sure does! Congrats!
Yay!!! I made a few edits and tightened up some spots. Feeling good about this draft:
https://www.chrisalanjones.com/private/martha-1
Thank you for the Deep Dive reviews of our work, Chuck. It's very much appreciated.
Here’s my latest fiction, Inspired by A writing prompt (won’t spoil it with which number), just under 2,500 words, JOY RIDE.
https://maeganheil.substack.com/p/joy-ride?r=3tt98&s=w&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Thank you Chuck and fellow classmates for taking the time to read! Any and all feedback appreciated!
About to crash for the night, but couldn't pass by without saying 'picking hairspray off a curl' is absolute fried gold!!
Thank you, Katy!!! ☺️🥰😘
Can’t help but jump at another opportunity to have my work read (but since I got feedback on the previous call for writing, I completely understand if this one is not addressed). This is the first section of an extended writing piece I’ve been working on to introduce and get into the headspace of the narrator:
https://remylazarus.substack.com/p/highway-hypnosis?s=w
Thank you so much!
Congrats on FC!
Hey Chuck. I’ve revised the Stuffed Crust Conquistador per your awesome feedback. I have one question. Is this now polished enough to present to a publisher? I’m not done writing the remaining chapters yet, but if this is presentable enough, I’d like to use this as a benchmark for myself going forward to make sure I can get all chapters to this level. And if there’s still more to correct, of course feel free to let me know. Here’s the changes I made:
-Re-worked the opening to start with a phrase that I want to point to as a central theme.
-Removed passages about the airport and tree to use later.
-Removed reference to Grody’s cancer and re-worked it to keep that territory more obscure, thus heightening tension as suggested.
-Fixed “Tinkertoys” and did a more ‘on the body’ description. FYI that the bones don’t snap underground as they are too strong and the CB antenna is very flimsy. It just pokes and prods.
-Made the CB antennae a personal object and gave it a name. FYI the term ‘HEARTBREAKER’ is jargon used in the collector community for a broken arrowhead. That term and other specific terms (such as ‘SMOKER’ for a perfect piece) used in the arrowhead collecting community are all things I will work in throughout the story. They are niche words that I suppose will help to build authority. Any ideas/feedback on that are welcome.
Here’s the link to the revised version. At the bottom is also a link to the original version for reference.
https://mattp.substack.com/p/the-stuffed-crust-conquistador?r=squpo&utm_campaign=post&utm_source=The%20Stuffed%20Crust%20Conquistador&utm_medium=ios
PS I also wrote my first shorty story last week per your advice. I tried something really different here. I hope you have time to take a look at it. If not, no worries as I’m already fortunate to have received feedback from you. Seriously though, I am SUPER curious what you think of this story.
https://mattp.substack.com/p/copy-pasta?r=squpo&utm_campaign=post&utm_source=Copy%20Pasta&utm_medium=ios
I can't wait to take another look. My policy is to avoid reviewing subsequent drafts, just to devote more time to more writers, but I'll make an exception here. Remind me, first, was this the opening for a novel? It seemed like the strong start to a book.
I'll get back on my new reading.
Yes, this is the first chapter. Totally understandable! Thanks I really appreciate any input. It’s so damn motivating. And that’s very kind of you. I know you’ve got an insane amount of story submissions, not to mention all the other stuff you must be working on outside of your Substack. It’s hard enough for me to read even a few of the ones people have posted here while still devoting time to my own writing, reading, etc. I wish I could read everyone’s material. You obviously love this stuff more than anyone. Much appreciated!
Amazing news on Fight Club in Parade. Congrats, Chuck. And yeah, I read Parade as a child (perhaps before you were born). Later, I always had to read the column by Marilyn Vos Savant, the world's smartest person. I always found it interesting that 'Savant' was her real name (her mother's maiden name), not a corny pseudonym.
Do you remember Dodson Raydor? Name might be misspelled. He wrote profiles for them for decades
I remember the profiles. I didn't remember his name. I had to look him up.
Here’s a few, a couple are reposts, from prompts, one I recently did on a whim.
The first is from the radioactive one:
https://hessenwolf77.substack.com/p/a-common-miracle?r=hcjz3&utm_medium=ios
This is from the mundane in the extraordinary:
https://hessenwolf77.substack.com/p/the-last-dance?r=hcjz3&utm_medium=ios
And here’s a little one for fun. Not a story, per se:
https://hessenwolf77.substack.com/p/the-pitfalls-of-subsistence-hunting?r=hcjz3&utm_medium=ios
Here's a short post-apocalyptic story inspired by my daughter. Any feedback from Chuck or anyone that gets a chance to read it would be much appreciated. Thank you! https://losangelesreview.org/meltdown-richie-zaborowske/
I like the story but I would begin with this: "Our neighbors, the Andersons, left a week ago. Soon after, I looted their garage and scavenged several tires. Hoping they’d deflect bullets, I strapped them tugboat style to the exterior of our Kia Sedona." Immediately this tells me this is post-apocalyptic. A stubborn two year old is cute and frustrating, especially to her parents, but she needs to be "amped up" to keep reader engaged. Maybe she has an ear splitting scream that attracts the attention of monsters? My impression until the fourth paragraph was that Charlotte was a teenager, which would be much more dangerous. (You can't pick up a teenager.)
Thanks for the feedback! Great advice. I agree, I should have set the stage a bit better in the opening. It's a little confusing at first. I also didn't set the tone right away. I think some of the humor gets muddled because of this. Thanks!
Or make it really funny. These are great little clips. https://www.facebook.com/watch/?ref=search&v=1053567288575249&external_log_id=b5928798-2601-466b-bc69-3f7fc840a84c&q=top%2040%20funniest%20kids
New to the Substack, I'm a big fan and would be eager to hear your comments on this piece I just handed in for my last English class of college:
https://seamusclair.substack.com/p/highwayman
Thank you!!
Thank you for giving everyone this opportunity, Chuck. Your a Good dude. https://codytalkington.substack.com/p/man-today?r=xqpf8&s=w&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&utm_source=direct
It SHOULD be on that list
So fucking awesome Fight Club is going to be top 100 in Parade. Deservedly so. I bet you’re stoked. Congrats dude!!!
Hey Chuck! I wrote this short story to help me get through a rough breakup last year. Its called, The Heartbreak Cookbook
https://www.thestorylife.com/short-stories/the-heartbreak-cookbook
I didn't get through the whole piece but I really enjoyed what I did read. Especially the recipes. I think you should start with the second paragraph. Leave out the first. The photos are good but too large. A little bit more about what narrator loves/hates about Heather would be nice before Sarah is on the scene.
Thank you! The photos came out weird on desktop view, but the majority of my readers are mobile and it works there… I sometimes wish I was a web developer!
You are right about the Heather comment. Thank you again 😊
You deserve it dude, congrats. Your books stand the test of time.
This is part one of a short story, it is inspired by the press machine prompt. I aimed at writing it as a serial killer mockumentary ( I have no clue if this works) but, what the hell, its all about following my gut and bluffing my way to a lucky win at the moment. Cheers.
https://rabbiibls.substack.com/p/the-very-very-wicked-press-machines?s=w
Question: If you publish something - even on Substack - can that hinder anything with a publisher later on? I am super new to this!
I asked this question recently. To be safe, I would share anything you intend to publish later in a Google Doc, not as a Substack post, as Ive heard that publishers wont touch anything posted on the internet. Delete the doc after critique. Substack doesnt lay any claim to anything here but I dont know exactly how agents/publishers feel. May just write a short for the purpose of critique that you can apply to your other work.
Exactly. This is a place to identify technique that could be better. Or to test an experimental voice. And if anyone has cold feet they can ask and I'll delete a Gloves Off. They can always delete the link they post here. No harm, no foul.
Love the idea of using substance as a platform and tool for figuring out voice and technique. Thanks so much!
Substance? Substack lol. Although after this week substances may help.