Enjoyed how you tied things in at the end there after building up so much tension from the start. By the way -- if you’ve never seen We Need to Talk About Kevin, you might want to check it out. It deals with this exact topic and it’s very well done.
Also, normally I wouldn’t do this, but I had an idea while reading this. I say ‘normally’ because I try to shy away from pushing ideas on other people’s work.
But the part where you had him going through the various other school shootings carried out in the past -- that made me think of something. What if he didn’t start his attack right away? What if he planned according to schedules of his targets?
All the sudden he shows up to wherever they are and handcuffs them to random places. At first people think he’s being an asshole. Within a few minutes maybe he’s got ten or fifteen people handcuffed across the school. Locked to doors, benches, desks, etc. People think it’s just a prank. Nobody’s trying to tackle him or anything. He just keeps moving from room to room. Then once’s everyone’s in ‘jail’ -- no escape -- he starts his grande finale...
I really liked reading this. I think anything that makes me start thinking scenarios up of my own is a sign of great writing.
Thanks for reading it. It feels nice to have other like-minds take a look -- whatever their impression is. Friends and family are always positive as everyone knows, but it’s nice to talk shop with folks who are on the same grind as you are. I hear you on criticism -- I don’t like doing it and I don’t feel like I’m established enough to throw my opinion about someone else’s writing into the mix. Especially, since it’s art and is subjective. Let’s be real, above all things every one of us who’ve left a story here just want to know what Chuck has to say about it -- good or bad haha. I appreciate your kind words.
Yes, the other chapters (I’m at six so far) give a little more heart on the character and get into his pain and why he’s taken this path. There’s a deep wound there. To start I’m trying to present things in a basic way to get a sense of who this person is and lay a foundation. I’m trying to write a despicable character (as Chuck would say!) who the reader at first thinks they despise, then slowly realizes what a horrible hand in life he’s been dealt. He thinks life is going to get better, that he’s getting a big break, but instead it’s going turn into a disaster. What they unbury is going to destroy them. It’s ... otherworldly.
I’m going to try to keep slowly going down this list and reading as much as I can of other people’s work. Everyone here deserves it for sure.
Totally hear you on that. Without knowing how a full story unfolds it’s hard to see how one piece fits into the big picture. Things that seem to not have significance (as a reader) turn out to have major significance when all is said and done. Very hard when it’s just one fragment and it’s definitely hard not to let your mind wander to new territories or think that this or that should be one way or another when it’s not your story. Very good point.
By the way -- open to responses, feedback, etc. I have one question for anyone who reads this... Did the first third of it keep you engaged or was the buildup too slow? I want to add that this character’s voice is a bit unusual for me. I’ve really had to pull things back to fit the character and not go overboard with ‘fanciness’ that I would typically inject. I hope it works...(?)
Loved what you did there at the end with the structure of the text. Such a visual collage of the narrator’s mind -- and the moment of realization. Great description. Thanks for posting this.
Just read your name in the stories. Fiction Deficit Disorder is an autobiography?! Mind a little bit blown. It's amazing how you write your childhood stories with such actions and details.
Thanks mate, appreciate the compliment! It's a memoir, yep, all the characters are real, and the situations too, although for the sake of a good story they are embellished in places or sometimes it's a collection of memories from different times rolled into one to make a more linear story. But yea, these people are real, this was my childhood :D
Sounds great! This is a demented short story of mine about finding adventure inside of a cinnamon raising bagel that was published in Jersey Devil Press (about 700 words I think).
Thank you for doing this. I hope you like it if you get the chance to read it:
*raisin.... damn autocorrect why would I write a story about a cinnamon raising a bagel...what would that even look like? ...wait or is it a “cinnamon raising bagel” like a bagel that raises cinnamons--oh god dammit.
Just got the chance to read this one over. Man it’s so relatable. Everyone has had those jobs where it just feels like the same shit every... single... day. Those are so often the times I daydream the most. I could see this happening to me on bagel day. Enjoyed the read!
Hey, Chuck. Appreciate you taking a look. This is a short storying I've been working on in Study Hall. What happens when a reality show becomes a little too real?
I’m going to remember this story for years, thank you. I’m so inspired, I want to say more but I’d have to think it through, you’ve really set my brain in motion! Thanks!
I always thought that once I've published on this site then I have no chance of getting this published any where else. I haven't even tried. That said...I would love feedback on my essay. https://candice372.substack.com/p/uber-for-urns?s=w
Very well written. I can definitely see this being part of a novel. It is a good short story, but does leave me with a lot of questions that I would love to have answered. How did her mother die? Why did she not know her mother was dead?
Enjoyed how you tied things in at the end there after building up so much tension from the start. By the way -- if you’ve never seen We Need to Talk About Kevin, you might want to check it out. It deals with this exact topic and it’s very well done.
Also, normally I wouldn’t do this, but I had an idea while reading this. I say ‘normally’ because I try to shy away from pushing ideas on other people’s work.
But the part where you had him going through the various other school shootings carried out in the past -- that made me think of something. What if he didn’t start his attack right away? What if he planned according to schedules of his targets?
All the sudden he shows up to wherever they are and handcuffs them to random places. At first people think he’s being an asshole. Within a few minutes maybe he’s got ten or fifteen people handcuffed across the school. Locked to doors, benches, desks, etc. People think it’s just a prank. Nobody’s trying to tackle him or anything. He just keeps moving from room to room. Then once’s everyone’s in ‘jail’ -- no escape -- he starts his grande finale...
I really liked reading this. I think anything that makes me start thinking scenarios up of my own is a sign of great writing.
I've never seen the movie but the book is excellent. And I find Lionel Shriver fascinating and off-putting.
I’m all over this. Can I submit something from more than one prompt or just one for starters?
Start with whatever you're comfortable.
I wanna read it cuz I was this thing about King, I'm superstitious of sorts so I can read yours lol.......and it sounds awesome.......
My son was almost killed at his art school when he was 18. Trust me, I would be first to read your story.
Which came first? Rage? Or 'I Don't Like Mondays' by the Boomtown Rats? King might be taking the rap for something.
Very happy to share this! It is a short story response to the radioactive table writing prompt posted recently:
https://remylazarus.substack.com/p/please-touch-the-art?s=w
Thanks for doing this Chuck. Here’s the first chapter in the second story I’m working on.
https://mattp.substack.com/p/the-stuffed-crust-conquistador?r=squpo&utm_campaign=post&utm_source=The%20Stuffed%20Crust%20Conquistador&utm_medium=ios&s=w
Thanks for reading it. It feels nice to have other like-minds take a look -- whatever their impression is. Friends and family are always positive as everyone knows, but it’s nice to talk shop with folks who are on the same grind as you are. I hear you on criticism -- I don’t like doing it and I don’t feel like I’m established enough to throw my opinion about someone else’s writing into the mix. Especially, since it’s art and is subjective. Let’s be real, above all things every one of us who’ve left a story here just want to know what Chuck has to say about it -- good or bad haha. I appreciate your kind words.
Yes, the other chapters (I’m at six so far) give a little more heart on the character and get into his pain and why he’s taken this path. There’s a deep wound there. To start I’m trying to present things in a basic way to get a sense of who this person is and lay a foundation. I’m trying to write a despicable character (as Chuck would say!) who the reader at first thinks they despise, then slowly realizes what a horrible hand in life he’s been dealt. He thinks life is going to get better, that he’s getting a big break, but instead it’s going turn into a disaster. What they unbury is going to destroy them. It’s ... otherworldly.
I’m going to try to keep slowly going down this list and reading as much as I can of other people’s work. Everyone here deserves it for sure.
Totally hear you on that. Without knowing how a full story unfolds it’s hard to see how one piece fits into the big picture. Things that seem to not have significance (as a reader) turn out to have major significance when all is said and done. Very hard when it’s just one fragment and it’s definitely hard not to let your mind wander to new territories or think that this or that should be one way or another when it’s not your story. Very good point.
By the way -- open to responses, feedback, etc. I have one question for anyone who reads this... Did the first third of it keep you engaged or was the buildup too slow? I want to add that this character’s voice is a bit unusual for me. I’ve really had to pull things back to fit the character and not go overboard with ‘fanciness’ that I would typically inject. I hope it works...(?)
Go figure I got an acceptance to Maudlin House today for April 6th, but I didn't know how long your window was open for posts.
So this one is from March of last year. Didn't want to miss an opportunity.
This is my story "Strawberry".
https://xraylitmag.com/strawberry-by-james-jacob-hatfield/fiction/
Mallory is the best.
Loved what you did there at the end with the structure of the text. Such a visual collage of the narrator’s mind -- and the moment of realization. Great description. Thanks for posting this.
Thanks for sharing. It was a great read.
I’m obsessed with the feeling of limbo that you evoked. It’s a warm and cold feeling at the same time.
<Hide and Seek> - A winning strategy in hide and seek.
https://garbageterminal.substack.com/p/hide-and-seek?s=w
Hope you enjoy it!
I enjoyed it. Very visual.
Appreciate the read. Enjoying the travel section of your substack now and will tap into the fictions soon!
No worries mate, trying to read as many of the posted stories on here as I can. Some good stuff.
Likewise thanks for the read. By the way, it's not fiction ;)
Just read your name in the stories. Fiction Deficit Disorder is an autobiography?! Mind a little bit blown. It's amazing how you write your childhood stories with such actions and details.
Thanks mate, appreciate the compliment! It's a memoir, yep, all the characters are real, and the situations too, although for the sake of a good story they are embellished in places or sometimes it's a collection of memories from different times rolled into one to make a more linear story. But yea, these people are real, this was my childhood :D
What a colorful childhood. Especially loved the final paragraph in the toilet story!
Here's something new. Something not from my childhood. Something completely made up. And I hope you hate it :)
https://garbageterminal.substack.com/p/the-father-the-son-and-the-holy-spirit?s=w
X hours into your overnight haul and hungry, you can trust the next truck stop to get you through the last leg of the drive, right?
...
(Love the connection, I edited at least part of this in Common Grounds;) published last October: https://njtpoet.files.wordpress.com/2021/04/drivethroughgodsfinal.pdf
Recent short story regarding mashed potatoes, armchair warfare, and knowing your place (in the kitchen):
https://carterettore.substack.com/p/short-story-old-flame?s=w
Love that opening line. It's intriguing AND it gave me a chuckle.
Thanks! Don't ever underestimate the power that mashed potatoes have over the total destruction of your life.
This is a short story I wrote, which I hope to use as the first chapter of a novel. Any comments are appreciated:
https://www.wattpad.com/1070569615-the-upstairs-neighbour-chapter-1-the-stain?utm_source=ios&utm_medium=link&utm_content=share_reading&wp_page=reading_part_end&wp_uname=markliebrecht&wp_originator=zg1u11htdezc6q5mgysng4uuf8no1300kmkxkiaashpxt8mrp9vbhhdoo5boebnxsnglwayh6xvvm5jts5xiggsvecowapvi07mi%2fzfq3jeoo07spjuym%2fs%2fbttxhto9
Thank you so much!
Fantastic. I love the internal dialogue.
I appreciate that. Thank you!
Is it possible to share something I’ve already self published so long as I own all the rights?
I believe the answer is yes, if I take what Chuck wrote in his post correctly.
Sounds great! This is a demented short story of mine about finding adventure inside of a cinnamon raising bagel that was published in Jersey Devil Press (about 700 words I think).
Thank you for doing this. I hope you like it if you get the chance to read it:
http://www.jerseydevilpress.com/?page_id=8527
*raisin.... damn autocorrect why would I write a story about a cinnamon raising a bagel...what would that even look like? ...wait or is it a “cinnamon raising bagel” like a bagel that raises cinnamons--oh god dammit.
Children’s Book Writer from Elf: What about a raisin raising a bagel?
Just got the chance to read this one over. Man it’s so relatable. Everyone has had those jobs where it just feels like the same shit every... single... day. Those are so often the times I daydream the most. I could see this happening to me on bagel day. Enjoyed the read!
Hey, Chuck. Appreciate you taking a look. This is a short storying I've been working on in Study Hall. What happens when a reality show becomes a little too real?
https://jandrewrutledge.substack.com/p/dragonfly-short-story?r=opu43&s=w&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Looking forward to the return of Study Hall in the near future!
I’m going to remember this story for years, thank you. I’m so inspired, I want to say more but I’d have to think it through, you’ve really set my brain in motion! Thanks!
I couldn't have asked for a better compliment. I will remember this comment for years as well. Thank you for reading and for sharing this.
I always thought that once I've published on this site then I have no chance of getting this published any where else. I haven't even tried. That said...I would love feedback on my essay. https://candice372.substack.com/p/uber-for-urns?s=w
This a short story and stands alone, but could be part of a novel. I'm toying with the idea.
https://1drv.ms/w/s!Agex83soKSYkz23Rx6qU8JFYEJmN?e=hqryLx
Very well written. I can definitely see this being part of a novel. It is a good short story, but does leave me with a lot of questions that I would love to have answered. How did her mother die? Why did she not know her mother was dead?
This is a piece of flash fiction based on a true story. The title is Birth Order and it's just under 1500 words. Thank you for your time and feedback. https://kendallpendlebury.substack.com/p/birth-order
Look at these assholes. Not in a million years would I have agreed to this if it wasn’t Leo’s idea. But it was his idea, and that changed everything... to read more, click here https://docs.google.com/document/d/1yonyHvdTbNRdb1XxblpLmlJhNN2GTw5MSiGq-7dyjas/edit?usp=sharing
Thank you in advance for taking a look! The link is to the opening chapter of a finished but unpublished novel.