Glove Off: Rabbi-Iblis

Let's Discuss Cultural Precedent

Today Let’s Take A Closer Look at Twisted Cake Chronicles: Fat Cancer by Rabbi-Iblis.

To read the work as originally published, please click here. I do recommend you read that version first to experience the full emotional effect of the work before we dissect it.

Note: This work does a novel job of expanding a cultural precedent. We’ll talk a lot about that particular precedent and about cultural precedent in general.

Twisted Cake Chronicles: Fat Cancer

With sweat dripps off my forehead, feet hurt, heart pumps, finally I arrive eager for a gym cycle. A big guy, like big and chubby, with the name tag ‘death row inmate 45’ greets you.  He asks for ID. You give ID. He demands you to wear a full head on mask. You wear the mask. He directs you to a machine to the right. You press a button. You get a piece of paper, with a number on it. ‘’ Stand in line’’ He demands. There were a dozen of us, women and men. They had us wear these track suits that’s two sizes too small, squeezing ourselves for life. The heavy breathing in that room resembled homemade air blowers.

‘’ Working out is never convenient. But neither is illness’’.                                                                                                   

- Said by whoever

But what if the distance between who I am and who I want to be is only separated by what type of cancer kills weight fats?

My Input: Not to give anything away, this is a terrific idea, but the presentation could use some clarity. My guess is that this is part of a larger work. Right? You begin in the first person (I arrive) but switch to second person (greets you). This was a little jarring, so would you consider keeping the whole para in second or first person? Please be very careful not to give away your reveal with the “cancer kills fat cells” sentence. What else could you put there — name drop the specific cancer name, with no explanation? — that would hint at the reveal without connecting the dots too much? If you just give us a greek/latin word it’s a better tease.

And can you specify what’s an ideal body from the narrator’s POV? That would give us an emotion at-stakeness for the story. For instance, in Requiem for a Dream the mother wants to wear her red dress on television. What’s the emotional goal for your narrator?

Even if you don’t present it here. I want you to be aware of that goal, okay? The emotional hook.

If you just stuck in the word “Helicobacer pylori” with no explanation, it would snag in the reader’s mind without spoiling your very nice surprise. You could push the goal of weight loss at first, before merging that goal with the scary science words.

Did I tell you to sit back? Please, have your addiction and picture this gym run by sadists, and serial killers. Set in the same zip code as those hopeless romantics in the movie Salò. Picture the deranged gym-boss, in this semi honourable side quest – once in a while, you’d imagine a psycho growing tired of making loved ones eat a slice of pureed cauliflower seasoned with piss. So, he opens a gym.

What kind of weight loss program they would be offering? Cough, cough

‘’ Tell me what happened’’ Jim asks

My Input: Nice poetic language, and good job keeping it short. You did throw me with Jim’s sudden appearance. Can you ground him before he speaks? For example, can he cross his arms and lean back in his chair? Just a beat of physical gesture or a facial expression would help create him before he’s suddenly speaking.

Also, look at your verb tenses. The gym scenes are in present tense. So are the Jim scenes. Would you consider switching the gym scenes to past tense, for clarity, because the narrator is recounting them?

To me a story can go crazy and surreal, but only if one element stays clear and realistic. For example, Anne Bancroft can recount her crazy dream that goes off the rails… only because the context is so clear and simple. She’s lying on a couch, talking to her analyst. If you make the context clear — the story is being told to Jim, Jim’s sitting (where? A cafe? a bar?), and Jim’s asking questions that prompt details — then the narrator’s story is less likely to confuse and alienate the reader. Do you see how a few solid details (Jim, his actions, his setting) are enough to ground your reader in sufficient reality?

A blonde guy came in, naked and fit as a fiddle. Didn’t muster a word, but looked at us and started flexing his muscles. Two groups of gym buffs came approaching, one were pushing a special bench press machine. The others were carrying a giant diamond, about as big as a piano. They set it up. The blonde guy started to bench press it, straining every inch of his chest and biceps. Set one, set two, veins popping up, screaming in perfection. The others were cheering, and pushing him to the max. At the end of set 5, the mammoth diamond weighted so heavy on the bar. As one of them tried to help, Blonde spoke in both agony and defiance: ‘’ Leave it!’’.  He slowly pushed the shiny giant for one last rep, but a bone stood up in the middle of his biceps like a boner. A muscle tear but Blonde couldn’t care. He addressed his pals: ‘’ Stop’’, and continued. He is, Complete. Set. Done.

My Input: Wow, I kind of adored this dream-like surrealism. The repetition of “bone” and “boner” delighted the fuck out of me. Is the blonde guy a successful user of this system? If so, can you mention stretch marks that suggest he’d once been fat? Can you hint at “no sign of illness” or some vague reassurance that’s he’s endured the program and remains healthy?

Is there just one aspect of this sequence you could really particularize? The muscles? The diamond? The piano used for comparison? If you drilled down — the size of an L Model baby Steinway F1-11 in Tibetan mahogany with original ivory treble keys and replated pedals — you could show us the narrator’s body of knowledge. Or, at the least, you could push the absurd a step further.

Depending on your narrator, the blonde’s dick might be that one detail. He is naked. As always, how your narrator describes the world in turn describes your narrator.

‘’ This isn’t theatre!

You don’t listen to your body.

In the gym, you got to tell your body to shut up. ‘’                                                                                        ---

- Said by whoever.

Jim lights up a cig, and says: ‘’ What about afterwards?’’

My Input: Jim lighting a cigarette is exactly the sort of physical beat I wanted earlier. Now you must keep the cigarette present. You’ve got an object to maintain now. If the Narrator took the cigarette, puffed on it, and gave it back… that might be your big explosive ending.

Otherwise, if Jim were to use a fork or glass, that would pay off in a big way, as I describe later.

Led by blonde, all of us held arms as we entered through an entrance both grand and ornate. Majestic, in the same way we’d think of heaven’s gates as endlessly tall and grand. The room, well, it wasn’t a room but, it resembled a gladiator arena but of the size of an opera house. A gym that’s modelled to reflect gym goers as warriors, I suppose? Tim inches back, crosses his arm and says in his head: ‘’ Or lab rats! Or slaves!’’ As I stepped my foot further in, it hit me that the arena’s floor is made of sand. Looking up on the ceiling, there was an imposing structure of a large Snake. The weight equipment was shiny new. And forgot to mention, the whole place was incredibly well lit and impeccably clean. It smelled nice, and clear too. The air felt like a clinic’s operation room. We gathered in the middle, and were told to stand in wait.

My Input: Did Jim suddenly become Tim? Can you go on-the-body with fat arms linked? Fat sweaty arms? How does that feel to the narrator?

Can you switch out the “is” verbs for something more interesting? How exactly did the air feel like an operating room? The smell of ether? The brightness? A smell of latex or ???? Can you unpack that simile with one strong detail?

A red curtain opened in the imperial box, there was a middle aged man, good looking, hair laid back with eyes as deep green as an aging olive tree, the type that is earthly, ancient, timeless and savage. Accompanied by what appears to be his servants. All dressed perfectly sharp, and expensive.

That man is The Duke. The Duke grabs a mike

And says:

‘’ A mad person with a plan, can beat a sane one without any. A cancer plan is all you need, but to help cancer working out better, you will need a cancer plan.’’

My Input: Would you consider replacing “cancer” with weight loss, here? If at first you mention Helicobacer pylori… then you mention weight loss or fitness… then you reveal Helicobacer pylori to be cancer, you might get a smoother discovery process.

You have such a good, warped reveal (Fat + Cancer = Happiness) I’d like to see you eke out your reveal.

In the next paragraph you’re really giving it all away. Instead, consider using: “For 9.99 Euros, you get to kiss a beautiful woman on the lips… open mouthed.” Go through the process: Pay your money. See and meet the woman. Feel anxious. Then during the kiss be aware of every taste and smell in her saliva. Only once that’s accomplished give us a sense of the narrator’s guts. Only then begin to hint at the cancer cells arriving with the saliva. Seriously, this is all too good to rush and give away. If you begin with the medical word (unexplained) then give the goal of weight loss (emotional anchor) then give the kiss (physical and on-the-body) THEN you can discuss the cancer method of losing weight.

In the context scene with Jim, the narrator can be experiencing the loss of appetite and other symptoms, so that would get them in early — yet still leave them unexplained.

For 9.99 Euros, you get a cancer that occurs from a bacterial infection, also known as Helicobacer pylori infection, it can help with significant weight loss. As the cancerous cells can interfere with the body’s ability to properly digest food and absorb nutrients. The H. pylori infection can also cause inflammation in the stomach and small intestine, which can lead to a great loss of appetite, nausea and vomiting. The Duke raises a glass of wine, his servants follow: ‘’ All of which can contribute to weight loss. Guaranteed by me. Stomach cancer is the best possible plan YOU have right now.’’ He says.

We sat there with our eyes, and jaws dropped. Can a workout plan be this simple, this easy, that effortless?

My Input: Pay your first fee. Baby steps. A funny gesture — like using Binaca — would underscore the imminent kiss.

‘’ Cancer won’t feel as bad, as thin will feel so good’’ He adds.

My Input: A wonderful line! And it indirectly links the cancer to the goal of weight loss. You can leave this line here — mysterious — but don’t mention cancer until this point. Allow the reader to connect the dots.

For the addition of 4.99 EUROS, we’ll make H. pylori infections also affecting ulcers in the stomach and small intestine, which can also lead to more weight loss. The ulcers can cause pain and discomfort during eating, leading to a decrease in food intake, and most importantly to more weight loss.

The magnificent cells can also cause mal-absorption, which is great, which is when the body is unable to absorb nutrients from food. This can lead to malnutrition, which can cause YOU to lose weight, muscle mass, and fat.

My Input: Consider putting the preceding two paras of information in the context scene with Jim. Jim can say, “You don’t look so good, dude.” The narrator can refer to the mal-absorption, all while looking and feeling awful. And using Jim’s fork or water glass. Or cigarette.

Also for a 1.99 EUROS addition, in the last stage, when the cancer progresses, YOU’d get cachexia, a condition characterized by muscle wasting and weakness, which cause YOU to lose a significant amount of weight.

My Input: This info about cachexia can also be told to Jim in the context situation. My point is to use those sticky terms, but not yet mention cancer. Instead, have the Duke use a euphemism such as “Kiss the lady.”

Keep the mystery going.

‘’ Ladies and gentlemen, on the other side of cancer is the body you want.’’ Said The Duke

My Input: The preceding would be, “Ladies and gentlemen, kiss the lovely lady and get the body you want!” And, “This lady is YOUR future!”

‘’ What about the others who were with you’’ Jim asks. ‘’ Before The Duke ended his speech they ran away’’ I replied. You know what they say, Jim, ‘’ When you cross the extra mile, it’s usually not crowded.’’

My Input: Just the fact that others fled, that creates tension and threat. Show them running. Even if you don’t say “cancer” the physical action of people exiting gives you more tension.

That’s the thing. Working out demands more than motivation of being there, it’s also the patience and willingness to do something you’ve never done before, in order to have something you’ve never had before. A perfectly healthy and skinny body we all chase.

I signed a non-disclosure agreement, which I’m breaking by talking to you. Anyway, they’ll never know. I was led by The Duke into a colourfully circular room, like a freak show circus setting. In the large centre, a perfectly looking red head dressed in a green party grown, dancing to jazz played by a band of two deformed freaks. Yes, they’re awful to look at, it’s okay to admit. An audience came in. Sat and were very eager to see me get a stomach cancer infection. The red head reached her hand to me, and we kissed. I’ve never kissed a woman before, so my lips stuck on hers like glue. Maybe, I thought this was like those last minute dinner wishes death row inmates get served before death. But, now this was an actual kiss of death. The red head was infected by H. pylori. It can be spread through kissing, oral sex, contaminated food or drinking water.

My Input: Even if you’d not mentioned cancer before now, this would still be a tense moment. The ominous medical words. The psycho staffers. A strange cult and a beautiful woman. Above all, the narrator knows what’s taking place (although we should not) so the narrator should be experiencing serious on-the-body sensations.

The Duke signals to the production crew to light up fireworks. The deformed ghouls intensified the music playing. One or two audience members even started masturbating. I guess that red head was really sought after, or some people get turned on by cancer?

The Duke demands music to stop. Everybody’s attention on him while he raises a glass of champagne and says to me: ‘’ My dear boy Jonah, remember that to enjoy the glow of good health, you must get cancer’’

My Input: Okay, here I’d suggest you replace “cancer” with “tumors.” Here you can begin dropping in the actual details about ulcers, now that it’s too late. Can Duke say, “Already your stomach is being devoured”? Because that line is brutal and great.

And how true was that. Every day, in every way, I’m getting sicker and sicker. Better and better. Weeks into my weight loss program, I vomit every morning, can barely eat food. My intestines and stomach is devoured and working the way you’d want it to be. No more junk food, more hunger and success. And once I get to my perfect weight, my body will be able to improve health, reduce the risk of disease, improve my ability to do everyday activities. Like, window shopping without having to ride a multiple cabs to reach different stores. Like, taking selfies and posting updates on my social media account that’s been deserted since George.W. Bush was in office. I’ll get likes and followers, and be rich and famous. Be in a movie and meet a famous movie star and have babies. Be like Brad Pitt, or Chris Evans, or Cristiano Ronaldo, or Dan ‘mother fucking’ Bilzerian. Live the Bilzirian Dream. Let’s face it, that’s what counts most in life.

My Input: Here let’s talk about cultural precedent. Do you recall us talking about the Krakauer book Into the Wild? In that book Jon Krakauer depicts Chris McCandless bumming around North America. Then he widens the premise to show us the historic precedent for young men to do that same journey. Then he widens the precedent to show a 20-year-old Jon Krakauer almost dying on his own journey. My point is… at this point in the story, you might cite other biological forms of parasitic weight loss — tape worms, Toxoplasma gondii that MMA fighters contract to heighten their recklessness, swallowing Kleenex. Cite other forms of radical weight loss as a way to hint at the danger of this one — before you reveal it to be cancer.

Citing past precedents also build your head authority (credibility).

In my story The Toad Prince the narrator cites a list of historical ways people modified their bodies, then the narrator explains that he was experimenting with a new method, then he reveals his new modification — only lastly do we realize he’s used HPV-related warts to enlarge his penis. By citing precedent, you can allow the reader to guess at the reveal long before you ever say “cancer” or “tumor.” A progression of gruesome hints builds the tension.

But, the best way to get there is to have perfect health.

And The Duke once said: ‘’the best way to predict your health is to destroy it.’’

My Input: An okay ending. It’s a Big Voice summation. But might there be a better ending? Maybe we see the wedding ring fall from a now-too-thin finger. Or the narrator loses a shoe because even his feet are starved too thin. What physical action or actions might demonstrate a new peril? For pathos, the narrator might even be preening and fishing for compliments about his new look, while Jim is recoiling in horror from this walking skeleton.

How can you suggest an explosion into a new possibility at the end? Perhaps the narrator has drunk from Jim’s glass or used his fork (or cigarette), and now Jim realizes he’s also been infected. Perhaps the narrator has done this on purpose because he thinks Jim is too fat? What’s one final big way to escalate this story? Pass the cancer to Jim?

As always, thank you, Rabbi. But remember the metaphor: You’re a stripper, and I don’t really want to see your junk until the last, last, last moment. And even then, I want to see more than I ever expected. You’ve got an early draft of a story that could be a landmark.

A huge special thank-you to John R. for the book on film editing. I can’t wait to dig into it after or while I’m reading the Donnellan book on acting. Also reading Winesburg, Ohio. Also set to attend the HypnoThought Convention in Las Vegas on July 19th.

Again, thank you John R! And for the seeds. I’ll get them into the ground.

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About future Gloves Off submissions, I’d prefer not to review rewrites. The goal is to see more work from the greatest number of writers. To qualify for review, the work should be readily available via a platform such as Substack or Medium. Post a link in the Comments below. To keep it manageable, you might submit a portion of something longer. If you submit a portion, you might provide some context. For instance: This is a montage that depicts… or this is a stretch of mythopoetic language to paint a picture of the scene… just let us know the purpose the sample serves in a longer work.

As always, don’t submit your solid gold ideas. Keep those cards close to your chest.