Oh, to Hell with the Email-Length Format! Cameron's Sent a Story That Requires a Little More Time and Space, So Let's Throw Caution to the Wind and Go Long!
I’m halfway through, but that point you made about all the different ways we can elapse time really helped put a bunch of stuff in focus that I’ve been trying to get at for (what feels like) years now.
Cameron, I love how good you are at describing the moment and staying on the body. But I’d like to see different textures intercut through to break things up and keep my attention (like Chuck said about big voice)
Looking forward to finishing the rest later today!
I really enjoyed reading your story. It kept me hooked and I really enjoy your creativity and writing style. I do agree with a lot of Chuck's critique. Less dialog would probably increase tension. And I'm old and probably a little dull, but I also think that I got the horizontal, but am not completely sure. My interpretation is spot on with what Chuck wrote. But overall, excellent work. Keep em coming, I really enjoyed reading your story, and would like to read more.
Wow, lots to digest here - both in the story itself and Chuck’s feedback. It’s a “review it multiple times” one for sure. That said, Cameron: really love the way the way you describe a single action (making the spitball, for example) in a series of individual fragments. It forced me to slow down and really picture what was happening rather than racing ahead to the next line or event. Same applies to the way you created imagery with little dollops of description. And of course, I’m immediately smitten whenever I see “colour” and “centre” rather than color and center. Would I be labeled a cultural appropriator if I started borrowing the much-prettier Canadian spelling of words such as those? A risk worth taking (plus I’m only 35 minutes from Canada and there are a dozen Tim Horton’s within 20 minutes of my house, so I’m basically a dual-citizen).
The same thing happened with Value Village. It was bought out by Walmart and now is expensive. Though, tbh, I am. It sure if Value Village was American to begin with.
Sorry for the length. I think I missed the part about email format.
So yes, the plot. The opening scene is actually a rrriot girl. The man standing in front of the mirror is acting as a mentor, but is actually a type of skin changer.
So when Caleb meets the riot girl, her hair is preserved and her forehead shifts weird because it is only the riot girl in skin.
The “skin changer” is then wanting to take Caleb’s skin. Basically the skin changer shows up at cultural shifts and then takes over the talents that lead them so as to direct conflict and chaos.
Caleb is gay and the skin changer taps him as someone who could be influential in this shift towards tolerance. It wants Caleb’s skin so that it can direct the “queer” movement that we see now.
Since Caleb didn’t win he failed to gain influence over his peers and the skin changer disappeared, leaving him alone in the parking lot.
However, at the end, the CD taps Leslie’s foot. She sees her future but it’s actually the skin changer in her skin directing a type of religious backlash through Christian rock.
Basically, I was attempting something Lovecraftian. The skin changer is actually Nyarlathotep using music as politics to destabilize a relatively peaceful society.
When Caleb looks through the disc at Kimmy one last time, he sees her in the future and a kid of hers with a shirt that has a baby with tentacles. Another name for Nyarlathotep is Crawling Chaos.
Thank you for reading my writing! I will focus less linear next time.
Got it. You were working with several conventions I'd no inkling of. However, your writing was so clear and unpacked that I could still follow most of what you were doing. You have a gift for phrasing.
The 'rrr' goes in grrrl, not riot. So I was supposed to feel mid-90s in that? Bc the 2002 later confused me. That cheap bleach kit hair, eyeliner, (Chanel Vamp) nail polish, all fairly screaming 90s. Well done.
Yup. The 90’s. She was a Riot Grrrl— thank you for correcting— and her skin moved on without her to 2002. There are three time lines in the story: 90’s, ‘02, and somewhat present time with the Christian rock closing.
I think it’s because my horizontal and vertical kinda got tied up in each other. The antagonist could probably have been a bit more described. But, I still see it, lol.
Just finished, I admit I wasn’t able to pick up the horizontal very well either.
It’s good descriptive writing (very lovecraftian in that sense) but it may be one of those instances where it’s too much of a good thing. Those on the body moments might hit better if used sparingly.
I’ll admit I’m a bit jealous though, you’ve got a lot of good material to work with for revision. It takes me such a long time to get to the point where I even know what my horizontal is.
Just to review: The horizontal is the beat-by-beat plot events. What happens.
The vertical is how the emotional and psychological weight of the story builds. The elements that repeat and the associations that arise that deepen our connection to that's happening.
The horizontal is the Titanic sinking. The vertical is Rose & Jack.
https://substack.com/home/post/p-98359843 Hope I get picked.
https://open.substack.com/pub/garbageterminal/p/grows
I’m halfway through, but that point you made about all the different ways we can elapse time really helped put a bunch of stuff in focus that I’ve been trying to get at for (what feels like) years now.
Cameron, I love how good you are at describing the moment and staying on the body. But I’d like to see different textures intercut through to break things up and keep my attention (like Chuck said about big voice)
Looking forward to finishing the rest later today!
Throwing my (also music related) story into the ring:
https://open.substack.com/pub/mattandersen/p/forevermore?r=1epxph&utm_medium=ios
I really enjoyed reading your story. It kept me hooked and I really enjoy your creativity and writing style. I do agree with a lot of Chuck's critique. Less dialog would probably increase tension. And I'm old and probably a little dull, but I also think that I got the horizontal, but am not completely sure. My interpretation is spot on with what Chuck wrote. But overall, excellent work. Keep em coming, I really enjoyed reading your story, and would like to read more.
Thanks Chris!
Wow, lots to digest here - both in the story itself and Chuck’s feedback. It’s a “review it multiple times” one for sure. That said, Cameron: really love the way the way you describe a single action (making the spitball, for example) in a series of individual fragments. It forced me to slow down and really picture what was happening rather than racing ahead to the next line or event. Same applies to the way you created imagery with little dollops of description. And of course, I’m immediately smitten whenever I see “colour” and “centre” rather than color and center. Would I be labeled a cultural appropriator if I started borrowing the much-prettier Canadian spelling of words such as those? A risk worth taking (plus I’m only 35 minutes from Canada and there are a dozen Tim Horton’s within 20 minutes of my house, so I’m basically a dual-citizen).
Thanks Bryan. I think Tim Hortons is now American owned. But, if you ever make it to Alberta, try the Calmar Bakery.
American owned…that’s disappointing.
The same thing happened with Value Village. It was bought out by Walmart and now is expensive. Though, tbh, I am. It sure if Value Village was American to begin with.
Also, Krispy Kreme far out does Tim’s.
It’s owned by a conglomerate based in Canada and the US and one third owned by a Brazilian hedge fund now…
Hey Chuck!
Sorry for the length. I think I missed the part about email format.
So yes, the plot. The opening scene is actually a rrriot girl. The man standing in front of the mirror is acting as a mentor, but is actually a type of skin changer.
So when Caleb meets the riot girl, her hair is preserved and her forehead shifts weird because it is only the riot girl in skin.
The “skin changer” is then wanting to take Caleb’s skin. Basically the skin changer shows up at cultural shifts and then takes over the talents that lead them so as to direct conflict and chaos.
Caleb is gay and the skin changer taps him as someone who could be influential in this shift towards tolerance. It wants Caleb’s skin so that it can direct the “queer” movement that we see now.
Since Caleb didn’t win he failed to gain influence over his peers and the skin changer disappeared, leaving him alone in the parking lot.
However, at the end, the CD taps Leslie’s foot. She sees her future but it’s actually the skin changer in her skin directing a type of religious backlash through Christian rock.
Basically, I was attempting something Lovecraftian. The skin changer is actually Nyarlathotep using music as politics to destabilize a relatively peaceful society.
When Caleb looks through the disc at Kimmy one last time, he sees her in the future and a kid of hers with a shirt that has a baby with tentacles. Another name for Nyarlathotep is Crawling Chaos.
Thank you for reading my writing! I will focus less linear next time.
Got it. You were working with several conventions I'd no inkling of. However, your writing was so clear and unpacked that I could still follow most of what you were doing. You have a gift for phrasing.
One last request: could you highlight an example of this “phrasing?” I’m trying to search what it is and I have no idea.
The 'rrr' goes in grrrl, not riot. So I was supposed to feel mid-90s in that? Bc the 2002 later confused me. That cheap bleach kit hair, eyeliner, (Chanel Vamp) nail polish, all fairly screaming 90s. Well done.
Yup. The 90’s. She was a Riot Grrrl— thank you for correcting— and her skin moved on without her to 2002. There are three time lines in the story: 90’s, ‘02, and somewhat present time with the Christian rock closing.
Ah, okay. Glad I got it right, high school was so freaking long ago... (but I still have that shade of nail polish somewhere)
I’m still finding CDs in my parent’s basement. It’s been a while for a lot of us. Thanks for the read! I’m glad you saw the 90’s.
I have to admit that I didn't grasp any of that quite intricate intention.
I think it’s because my horizontal and vertical kinda got tied up in each other. The antagonist could probably have been a bit more described. But, I still see it, lol.
Protagonist and antagonist, motivations, and point of view, were all a bit opaque for me.
Perhaps need to put more of the vision in your head onto the page?
Or perhaps I'm a bit dense.
Just finished, I admit I wasn’t able to pick up the horizontal very well either.
It’s good descriptive writing (very lovecraftian in that sense) but it may be one of those instances where it’s too much of a good thing. Those on the body moments might hit better if used sparingly.
I’ll admit I’m a bit jealous though, you’ve got a lot of good material to work with for revision. It takes me such a long time to get to the point where I even know what my horizontal is.
Looking forward to where you go with it.
I’m still not too sure on this “horizontal” thing as of yet. It’s coming. Thanks for reading, Matt!
Just to review: The horizontal is the beat-by-beat plot events. What happens.
The vertical is how the emotional and psychological weight of the story builds. The elements that repeat and the associations that arise that deepen our connection to that's happening.
The horizontal is the Titanic sinking. The vertical is Rose & Jack.
https://skharrison.substack.com/p/pretty-please