I really enjoyed this Benjamin. Great job and I hope to read more of your work. It really is cool how it goes from this mundane environment to a place of wonder that you’d never expect. I love it when two polar opposites are paired together like that. I know there’s a term for that. I think Chuck mentioned it once in one of his posts talking about contrasting colors. The fact that things can come out of the bagel and that the character can enter into the other side is enticing too. And the thought that the character doesn’t know how to get to the other side leaves me feeling so sad for him, knowing where he’s stuck at, and it keeps me locked in even after I’m done reading it because I want to know how the hell he can get through that bagel portal. How can he get through the bagel??!
Knowing Chuck, I’m surprised he didn’t make a comment about the “- a centaur” reveal. He espouses describe before you name. I really enjoyed this story but feel that reveal came a little too quickly. I think it might be fun to have the narrator try to remember the name for that creature….which is man/horse and I actually thought you were describing a man/goat creature. Great work! I really liked this story, and what a treat to be featured by Chuck!
First, thank you. This is wildly cool and helpful. I’ve been reading your work since before I was writing, so waking up to this was a bit like a little dream.
I am delighted you enjoyed it and enjoy the absurd (I love Tom Robbins. If you haven’t read Jitterbug Perfume, highly recommended)—I am hugely drawn to the absurd and the magical. That is often where my ideas begin—with the funky bits. The ‘draw them in’ is precisely where I struggle. I love the idea of using the calendar to build this up. I’ve spent so much time thinking up the weird ideas, but since reading your newsletter, I’ve been paying a lot more attention to the “hypnosis” elements. If I can up the believability, I think it’ll make things stronger—as you said.
I’m glad you mentioned the gestures—after your recent newsletters on it, I realized that’s something I need to work on. After you wrote about it, I started seeing it all over the place in the book I was reading and thought, “Crap! I haven’t been doing this.” I’ve started making lists of my own for these and trying to think of other things like that to fortify my stories—I suppose I’ve started to see them like the cement between bricks. I’d been neglecting that, and your posts have got me thinking a lot about those sorts of things. This breakdown of my work brings even more of those to light—not just for this story, but for my storytelling brain.
Thank you so much again—for this and for this newsletter as a whole. It continues to help me improve my work and is wonderfully entertaining all rolled into one.
Note on the blood: An artist recently made a comic out of this story, and we had a whole conversation about the blood. In my mind, it was always there, but she saw it as magical and unable to be seen outside the bagel—I hadn’t thought about how that small detail could be read into (excuse the pun). Now—all I can think about is how I could write a version where the centaur head comes flopping out onto the breakroom table. So thank you for the hilarious idea for my imagination to play with.
This might seem like a stupid question...but, gotta ask. When unpacking something summarized into a moment by moment reveal, is there a practical trick or maybe a skill that you do, chuck? What questions do you ask?
Not sure if this relates to hypnogogia, but I read something about Salvador Dali where he held something in his hand as he drifted to sleep in a chair. And when he did, he dropped the object as a way to wake him up. And after that he was in a certain mental state.
I read in an essay that you cringed when you see a story begin with "I." Was wondering, do you still have that reaction or has it changed over the years?
So characters and objects in motion are best for that hypnotic effect? I love when you compared it to a dog watching a squirrel intensely. Hell, sometimes when I'm at the park, I always stop to stare at the squirrels. Does that make me weird? The squirrels, they just give me the side-eye from up in the tree.
This was a really fun story to read! I like how the bagel is a mini portal. I think all of us who have worked in a cubicle farm wishes something this cool would happen.
I got groundhog day vibes with this one and though you took it in an interesting way you didn't do enough. The dialogue between coworkers was too short create more tension. I didn't feel the tension in the story and then when the centaur comes around again too short, I did feel the tension but you could have done more. I got blood on myself I would have freaked especially from a centaur. The coworker comes around is no way I'm parting with the bagel it might be my only chance to escape the hell hole I'm currently in. Increase the stakes, you didn't get me fun invested
Finally got around to reading this. Would've liked to seen a longer story. More interaction between worlds, more depressing, monotonous life on this side of the bagel. But I agree: great job, Benjamin Davis.
But my calendar IS broken.
Awesome feedback. And great work
Yes they still make desk blotters with calendars on them.
Hi Benjamin! I loved this story. And the pacing, the voice, just great. Chuck, great feedback, I’ll be mulling it over! Thanks for sharing.
I really enjoyed this Benjamin. Great job and I hope to read more of your work. It really is cool how it goes from this mundane environment to a place of wonder that you’d never expect. I love it when two polar opposites are paired together like that. I know there’s a term for that. I think Chuck mentioned it once in one of his posts talking about contrasting colors. The fact that things can come out of the bagel and that the character can enter into the other side is enticing too. And the thought that the character doesn’t know how to get to the other side leaves me feeling so sad for him, knowing where he’s stuck at, and it keeps me locked in even after I’m done reading it because I want to know how the hell he can get through that bagel portal. How can he get through the bagel??!
Knowing Chuck, I’m surprised he didn’t make a comment about the “- a centaur” reveal. He espouses describe before you name. I really enjoyed this story but feel that reveal came a little too quickly. I think it might be fun to have the narrator try to remember the name for that creature….which is man/horse and I actually thought you were describing a man/goat creature. Great work! I really liked this story, and what a treat to be featured by Chuck!
Hi Chuck—
First, thank you. This is wildly cool and helpful. I’ve been reading your work since before I was writing, so waking up to this was a bit like a little dream.
I am delighted you enjoyed it and enjoy the absurd (I love Tom Robbins. If you haven’t read Jitterbug Perfume, highly recommended)—I am hugely drawn to the absurd and the magical. That is often where my ideas begin—with the funky bits. The ‘draw them in’ is precisely where I struggle. I love the idea of using the calendar to build this up. I’ve spent so much time thinking up the weird ideas, but since reading your newsletter, I’ve been paying a lot more attention to the “hypnosis” elements. If I can up the believability, I think it’ll make things stronger—as you said.
I’m glad you mentioned the gestures—after your recent newsletters on it, I realized that’s something I need to work on. After you wrote about it, I started seeing it all over the place in the book I was reading and thought, “Crap! I haven’t been doing this.” I’ve started making lists of my own for these and trying to think of other things like that to fortify my stories—I suppose I’ve started to see them like the cement between bricks. I’d been neglecting that, and your posts have got me thinking a lot about those sorts of things. This breakdown of my work brings even more of those to light—not just for this story, but for my storytelling brain.
Thank you so much again—for this and for this newsletter as a whole. It continues to help me improve my work and is wonderfully entertaining all rolled into one.
Note on the blood: An artist recently made a comic out of this story, and we had a whole conversation about the blood. In my mind, it was always there, but she saw it as magical and unable to be seen outside the bagel—I hadn’t thought about how that small detail could be read into (excuse the pun). Now—all I can think about is how I could write a version where the centaur head comes flopping out onto the breakroom table. So thank you for the hilarious idea for my imagination to play with.
This might seem like a stupid question...but, gotta ask. When unpacking something summarized into a moment by moment reveal, is there a practical trick or maybe a skill that you do, chuck? What questions do you ask?
Not sure if this relates to hypnogogia, but I read something about Salvador Dali where he held something in his hand as he drifted to sleep in a chair. And when he did, he dropped the object as a way to wake him up. And after that he was in a certain mental state.
I read in an essay that you cringed when you see a story begin with "I." Was wondering, do you still have that reaction or has it changed over the years?
So characters and objects in motion are best for that hypnotic effect? I love when you compared it to a dog watching a squirrel intensely. Hell, sometimes when I'm at the park, I always stop to stare at the squirrels. Does that make me weird? The squirrels, they just give me the side-eye from up in the tree.
This was a really fun story to read! I like how the bagel is a mini portal. I think all of us who have worked in a cubicle farm wishes something this cool would happen.
I got groundhog day vibes with this one and though you took it in an interesting way you didn't do enough. The dialogue between coworkers was too short create more tension. I didn't feel the tension in the story and then when the centaur comes around again too short, I did feel the tension but you could have done more. I got blood on myself I would have freaked especially from a centaur. The coworker comes around is no way I'm parting with the bagel it might be my only chance to escape the hell hole I'm currently in. Increase the stakes, you didn't get me fun invested
It was pretty cool, made me think of the book "flatland" for some reason.
Loved the straightforward, “no-bullshit” dialog in this, particularly the opening line.
Finally got around to reading this. Would've liked to seen a longer story. More interaction between worlds, more depressing, monotonous life on this side of the bagel. But I agree: great job, Benjamin Davis.