Hello, Chuck. I was in a coma for three months (because of the accident), and only yesterday I returned to a "normal state". I saw what the hell is going on in the world right now... How are you doing in your creative activity? Will green pastures come out in paper form? By the way, I can tell you a couple of moments from my "Intra-coma life", do you want?
Hey, it's good to see the work of Angel Homer here! I read this piece after the Halloween party, and it was a bit of woo-woo moment, in that I was working on a piece that had some of the same horses.
Those horses looked better Dan's wagon, so I let them stay.
I love this analysis because it provides what I need the most: to ground my work in the physical realm, by switching from my polarising obsession with existentialist self-help to the uncensored physical mechanics of reality.
Have you thought about implementing some nicknames/terms of endearment (possibly in alignment with the philosophical theme?) when talking about the wife? I want to read more… we’ll done. Always open for Critique Buddy 🤙🏼
Thanks for sharing the story and your feedback, which is always welcome/useful. Also, thanks to Dan for allowing us to read this piece.
I normally enjoy the numbered hyperlinks in your comments, but in this case I think this new format is also very suitable. It doesn't really distract you from keeping up with original story. I always love a good parentheses.
With all due respect, I would like to add something. I agree with Chuck when he says we could avoid saying "My wife" so many times and instead replace it with other nouns or maybe synonyms. Because I think is frecuently repeated and might be too much. The same goes to "my cracked watch", which was used I think 4 times. I would take the opportunity and the existence of the cracked watch to make references about feeling broken, timeless or stuck. Or just to create another atmosphere around the fact that the watch was destroyed, just as their kid's life or the guilty boy's life was about to be.
Does this make sense?
I'm sorry if I'm overstepping here. And thanks again for the writing advices!
The flashback fishhook prank could go awry. Fishing string is known for getting tangled, and a hook ripping through your lips sounds gruesome, but it would only result in a stitch or two. Plus, the man could have a scar on his face to remember the experience.
Loving the new format. It saves so much back and forth and I find it easier to apply the notes to my writing. To all those that bravely submit their stories - Thank You.
A small note: it’s an unusual campus where “The windows in the other dorms stay pitch black.” My first thought was the action was occurring during a break when school was closed. Even if no students were up, there’s usually lit hallways/common spaces. I’d suggest have Dad see students studying (or making influencer content), but not looking out their windows. Or the darkness of the roof keeps your trio hidden.
Amazing. Thank you oh-so-much, Chuck! As always, your guidance, mentorship, and kindness is unprecedented. And thank you to everyone who read my story. A huge honor.
Hello, Chuck. I was in a coma for three months (because of the accident), and only yesterday I returned to a "normal state". I saw what the hell is going on in the world right now... How are you doing in your creative activity? Will green pastures come out in paper form? By the way, I can tell you a couple of moments from my "Intra-coma life", do you want?
Chuck, Lie Factory?
Hey, it's good to see the work of Angel Homer here! I read this piece after the Halloween party, and it was a bit of woo-woo moment, in that I was working on a piece that had some of the same horses.
Those horses looked better Dan's wagon, so I let them stay.
I love this analysis because it provides what I need the most: to ground my work in the physical realm, by switching from my polarising obsession with existentialist self-help to the uncensored physical mechanics of reality.
Sexy shit! 🤌🏻😎
Have you thought about implementing some nicknames/terms of endearment (possibly in alignment with the philosophical theme?) when talking about the wife? I want to read more… we’ll done. Always open for Critique Buddy 🤙🏼
Thanks for sharing, Dan! That first line of yours is so golden. Ooh, a body? What kind of body? A dead one? No, a live one, oohhh!!!
Really digging the new format, Chuck! Helps me to process writing/revision in a whole new way. Thanks!
I enjoy this new format of your comments within the story. Definitely easier to follow.
These are extremely helpful, thank you Chuck!
I love this idea! gonna steal it for my writing newsletter...Chuck is a genius
Thanks for sharing the story and your feedback, which is always welcome/useful. Also, thanks to Dan for allowing us to read this piece.
I normally enjoy the numbered hyperlinks in your comments, but in this case I think this new format is also very suitable. It doesn't really distract you from keeping up with original story. I always love a good parentheses.
With all due respect, I would like to add something. I agree with Chuck when he says we could avoid saying "My wife" so many times and instead replace it with other nouns or maybe synonyms. Because I think is frecuently repeated and might be too much. The same goes to "my cracked watch", which was used I think 4 times. I would take the opportunity and the existence of the cracked watch to make references about feeling broken, timeless or stuck. Or just to create another atmosphere around the fact that the watch was destroyed, just as their kid's life or the guilty boy's life was about to be.
Does this make sense?
I'm sorry if I'm overstepping here. And thanks again for the writing advices!
The flashback fishhook prank could go awry. Fishing string is known for getting tangled, and a hook ripping through your lips sounds gruesome, but it would only result in a stitch or two. Plus, the man could have a scar on his face to remember the experience.
Loving the new format. It saves so much back and forth and I find it easier to apply the notes to my writing. To all those that bravely submit their stories - Thank You.
Thanks for dive-secting the story so masterfully.
And yes, I'm mainly posting this to reassure you that I'm not a dive-a. ;)
Dan, great job!
A small note: it’s an unusual campus where “The windows in the other dorms stay pitch black.” My first thought was the action was occurring during a break when school was closed. Even if no students were up, there’s usually lit hallways/common spaces. I’d suggest have Dad see students studying (or making influencer content), but not looking out their windows. Or the darkness of the roof keeps your trio hidden.
Thanks for sharing!
Format and comments are great, as is the generosity of the writers willing to participate.
Amazing. Thank you oh-so-much, Chuck! As always, your guidance, mentorship, and kindness is unprecedented. And thank you to everyone who read my story. A huge honor.