Hello, Chuck. I was in a coma for three months (because of the accident), and only yesterday I returned to a "normal state". I saw what the hell is going on in the world right now... How are you doing in your creative activity? Will green pastures come out in paper form? By the way, I can tell you a couple of moments from my "Intra-coma life", do you want?
Thanks! Then I'll write individual notes. And... how do I send them? To your email, or something else? At the expense of pastures: I am very glad to hear about the physical carrier. Question: How do you feel about amateur translations? It's just that I translated "the invention of sound" in the summer even before the official translation in Russia. It's the same with the Invisible Monsters Remix. And with a couple of your early stories... By the way, I can say: what Douglas Copeland wrote in the novel "Girlfriend in a coma" was not exactly the same with MY coma.
P.S. I can only write notes in broken English, because I'm not a native speaker.
P.P.S Oooh, Chuck, I've just been told terrible news... The notes will have a wonderful "Gun".
Experience? I'm not even glad I'm back! Courts and so on, parents have health problems, because of this whole situation. Besides... Personal life turned upside down... Now I don't have a girlfriend....
Hey, it's good to see the work of Angel Homer here! I read this piece after the Halloween party, and it was a bit of woo-woo moment, in that I was working on a piece that had some of the same horses.
Those horses looked better Dan's wagon, so I let them stay.
I love this analysis because it provides what I need the most: to ground my work in the physical realm, by switching from my polarising obsession with existentialist self-help to the uncensored physical mechanics of reality.
Have you thought about implementing some nicknames/terms of endearment (possibly in alignment with the philosophical theme?) when talking about the wife? I want to read more… we’ll done. Always open for Critique Buddy 🤙🏼
Thanks for sharing the story and your feedback, which is always welcome/useful. Also, thanks to Dan for allowing us to read this piece.
I normally enjoy the numbered hyperlinks in your comments, but in this case I think this new format is also very suitable. It doesn't really distract you from keeping up with original story. I always love a good parentheses.
With all due respect, I would like to add something. I agree with Chuck when he says we could avoid saying "My wife" so many times and instead replace it with other nouns or maybe synonyms. Because I think is frecuently repeated and might be too much. The same goes to "my cracked watch", which was used I think 4 times. I would take the opportunity and the existence of the cracked watch to make references about feeling broken, timeless or stuck. Or just to create another atmosphere around the fact that the watch was destroyed, just as their kid's life or the guilty boy's life was about to be.
Does this make sense?
I'm sorry if I'm overstepping here. And thanks again for the writing advices!
After the fact, I was looking for a moment in the flashback when the watch got broken/cracked. It's not required, but the flaw in the watch did make it special in my awareness.
Thank you, SK! Very kind of you. And yes, you nailed it. It is the dead son's watch. His high school graduation gift. The watch's face is cracked but it still works.
The flashback fishhook prank could go awry. Fishing string is known for getting tangled, and a hook ripping through your lips sounds gruesome, but it would only result in a stitch or two. Plus, the man could have a scar on his face to remember the experience.
Loving the new format. It saves so much back and forth and I find it easier to apply the notes to my writing. To all those that bravely submit their stories - Thank You.
A small note: it’s an unusual campus where “The windows in the other dorms stay pitch black.” My first thought was the action was occurring during a break when school was closed. Even if no students were up, there’s usually lit hallways/common spaces. I’d suggest have Dad see students studying (or making influencer content), but not looking out their windows. Or the darkness of the roof keeps your trio hidden.
Amazing. Thank you oh-so-much, Chuck! As always, your guidance, mentorship, and kindness is unprecedented. And thank you to everyone who read my story. A huge honor.
Hello, Chuck. I was in a coma for three months (because of the accident), and only yesterday I returned to a "normal state". I saw what the hell is going on in the world right now... How are you doing in your creative activity? Will green pastures come out in paper form? By the way, I can tell you a couple of moments from my "Intra-coma life", do you want?
Congratulations! You didn't miss much. Plague. War. Corruption.
Yes, 'Pastures' will be a book-book in a year, with extra value-added portions. And sure, give us all a glimpse of coma life! Sounds fascinating.
Thanks! Then I'll write individual notes. And... how do I send them? To your email, or something else? At the expense of pastures: I am very glad to hear about the physical carrier. Question: How do you feel about amateur translations? It's just that I translated "the invention of sound" in the summer even before the official translation in Russia. It's the same with the Invisible Monsters Remix. And with a couple of your early stories... By the way, I can say: what Douglas Copeland wrote in the novel "Girlfriend in a coma" was not exactly the same with MY coma.
P.S. I can only write notes in broken English, because I'm not a native speaker.
P.P.S Oooh, Chuck, I've just been told terrible news... The notes will have a wonderful "Gun".
Glad you've back and recovered. We'd like to hear your experiences.
Experience? I'm not even glad I'm back! Courts and so on, parents have health problems, because of this whole situation. Besides... Personal life turned upside down... Now I don't have a girlfriend....
Wishing you well. Are you from Iceland?
Chuck, Lie Factory?
The first in-person workshop I led was called 'The Lie Factory.' Dan and Tricia were stars, as was Nathan.
Bitchin. Hiding any more up your sleeve?
I would also like those details please…
Hey, it's good to see the work of Angel Homer here! I read this piece after the Halloween party, and it was a bit of woo-woo moment, in that I was working on a piece that had some of the same horses.
Those horses looked better Dan's wagon, so I let them stay.
Hah! Thank you for the kind words, Colton. Very kind of you. I look forward to your next great story!
I love this analysis because it provides what I need the most: to ground my work in the physical realm, by switching from my polarising obsession with existentialist self-help to the uncensored physical mechanics of reality.
Only the moving object/person will hypnotize your reader.
Sexy shit! 🤌🏻😎
Have you thought about implementing some nicknames/terms of endearment (possibly in alignment with the philosophical theme?) when talking about the wife? I want to read more… we’ll done. Always open for Critique Buddy 🤙🏼
Sexy shit? Hah! I love it. And a great point. Thank you, Erik!
Thanks for sharing, Dan! That first line of yours is so golden. Ooh, a body? What kind of body? A dead one? No, a live one, oohhh!!!
Really digging the new format, Chuck! Helps me to process writing/revision in a whole new way. Thanks!
Thank you, Maegan! Very kind of you.
I enjoy this new format of your comments within the story. Definitely easier to follow.
These are extremely helpful, thank you Chuck!
I love this idea! gonna steal it for my writing newsletter...Chuck is a genius
Steal away.
Thanks for sharing the story and your feedback, which is always welcome/useful. Also, thanks to Dan for allowing us to read this piece.
I normally enjoy the numbered hyperlinks in your comments, but in this case I think this new format is also very suitable. It doesn't really distract you from keeping up with original story. I always love a good parentheses.
With all due respect, I would like to add something. I agree with Chuck when he says we could avoid saying "My wife" so many times and instead replace it with other nouns or maybe synonyms. Because I think is frecuently repeated and might be too much. The same goes to "my cracked watch", which was used I think 4 times. I would take the opportunity and the existence of the cracked watch to make references about feeling broken, timeless or stuck. Or just to create another atmosphere around the fact that the watch was destroyed, just as their kid's life or the guilty boy's life was about to be.
Does this make sense?
I'm sorry if I'm overstepping here. And thanks again for the writing advices!
After the fact, I was looking for a moment in the flashback when the watch got broken/cracked. It's not required, but the flaw in the watch did make it special in my awareness.
Thank you, Wuinona!
Snap. I was waiting for a reveal that showed it was their son's watch, broken at his time of death. Or is that too on the nose?
Dan, I LOVED this story! Thanks so much for sharing and thank you, Chuck, for the stella critique.
Thank you, SK! Very kind of you. And yes, you nailed it. It is the dead son's watch. His high school graduation gift. The watch's face is cracked but it still works.
Please write more. I need to read more of your stories!
Thank you! Here’s “Flash”: http://www.blazevox.org/BX%20Covers/BXfall16/Dan%20Frazier%20-%20Fall%2016.pdf
The flashback fishhook prank could go awry. Fishing string is known for getting tangled, and a hook ripping through your lips sounds gruesome, but it would only result in a stitch or two. Plus, the man could have a scar on his face to remember the experience.
Loving the new format. It saves so much back and forth and I find it easier to apply the notes to my writing. To all those that bravely submit their stories - Thank You.
Thanks for dive-secting the story so masterfully.
And yes, I'm mainly posting this to reassure you that I'm not a dive-a. ;)
If Chuck sends Dan chocolate for this story, will it be Go-dive-a?
Hah!
Good one. I guess it's his divin' right.
I'm sure it's a coincidence, but it sounds like you should also read my short story "Flash": http://www.blazevox.org/BX%20Covers/BXfall16/Dan%20Frazier%20-%20Fall%2016.pdf
Dan, great job!
A small note: it’s an unusual campus where “The windows in the other dorms stay pitch black.” My first thought was the action was occurring during a break when school was closed. Even if no students were up, there’s usually lit hallways/common spaces. I’d suggest have Dad see students studying (or making influencer content), but not looking out their windows. Or the darkness of the roof keeps your trio hidden.
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you, Wil! And yes, good point. A college campus never sleeps.
Format and comments are great, as is the generosity of the writers willing to participate.
Amazing. Thank you oh-so-much, Chuck! As always, your guidance, mentorship, and kindness is unprecedented. And thank you to everyone who read my story. A huge honor.