Thank you for reading and commenting. This story is just a short. My plan is to get it into a final draft using advice from this post, and after that, who knows. But I’m happy to hear that you’d be interested in more!
For this particular story, yes I sort of had in mind how in high school you are basically half-child, half-adult, and so I chose “freaking” to sort of add to that. Like they are watching a cartoon in class but also engaging in sex. It just is that time of life.
As a general rule, I try not to use the f bomb unless I think it adds to the story in a way other than say shocking the reader or whatever. I did make the decision to use it in my new story, Joy Ride, so there ya go. Just depends I guess.
Of course! Thank You! I think the new deep dive method Chuck has been doing does a great job of following the reading brain and pointing out like you said, how to help a writer figure out where those hiccups in clarity occur.
Enjoyed the feedback as always, Chuck. Quick question. It might not be a strong issue you have to deal with but here it goes. How do you deal with jealousy toward another writer? Like watching your peer succeed, get published, and so on, and you want to be happy for them but at the same time it's so hard to when you still haven't really gotten far yourself. Asking for a friend. Alright, I'm the friend lol
When I read submissions, I just think, "Gee, my work is nothing like that, how am I gonna measure up?"
Hey Joe, I've felt that before. Like, damn, why didn't I come up with that?! Like, what if all the good stories get used up before I figure out how to do this? What if I age out?
And then at some point I think you just gotta realize that creativity is not finite.
And then take the leap and write--if writing is what makes you happy.
I have written a lot of really crappy stories, and I still write a lot of really crappy stories. And maybe this is not one of my crappiest stories, but it still needs improved, and that's great! I've got concrete feedback to work with and can hone in on this story and try to apply to future stories. Because maybe I compare my work to others, but the measuring up is to yourself. What can I do to make my next story better than the last?
Doug Coupland told me, "After the age of thirty you're only competing against yourself." Meaning that you're so dedicated to your craft -- as are most of your remaining peers -- that you're less likely to define your success or failure in relation to others. So age and time help.
That's it. As you stick with it you'll see peers rise and fall. You'll recognize everything as a cycle, and your greatest joy will be to return to the work of writing. That sounds trite, but we all watched David Foster Wallace rise from the triumph of 'Infinite Jest' to fall into teaching at Pomona. Likewise, we've watched Sherman Alexis and Junot Diaz rise to fame, then vanish. Ultimately, the only real joy is in the act of writing, researching, sharing work.
Go out and shop for a copy of 'Cold Mountain' and you'll see how even the most massive success vanishes very quickly.
Jealousy, envy or lets say comparing oneself to others is tricky. There are some people like Nietzsche who saw the envy he had towards his peers as a sign of where his potential can reach. In his view, it's not a negative thing, it can be used as fuel. If you can implement his perspective that's great. For most, like myself, it can fuel hatred.
It's best to compare yourself with how you were 5 or 10 steps ago. Everyone has his own thing, his own pace. The trick is, to catch your mind in the act, then admiting envy, this way it's like you take control over that emotion. I've read works in the call for stories section and there are so many writers way way ahead of me. I think, great! lots to improve and the only way for me is up.
One other thing, I don't know if it might help but, try not to attach your value as a person with whether you succeed in writing or not. This how I move forward, it helps me do it for the fun of it.
All writers start with not great writing and worked their way up. Just keep writing. Sometimes I hope people don't see my old D&D publications because they are not great looking back. The more you write and are open to feed back, the better you will get. This is definitely a great spot to learn and sharpen your skills. We all have stuff to learn still. I know I have a TON I have to improve on. Keep writing, and use other people's work as a rung in the ladder to climb toward. A mile stone to achieve one day.
Exactly. A couple years ago Suzy Vitello gave me a cache of my 1991 stories written for Tom's workshop. She made me promise not to burn them. I burned them. They were worse than you could ever imagine.
Incredible piece Maeghan! Use Chuck's great advice, though-I read this before I knew about the prompt and was lost. Brilliant analysis Chuck. Was wondering about the "demonstrates" thing also.
Thank you, Jack! I will use his advice! I was worried about losing people without the prompt! The demonstration was meant to be literal--I got hung up on this being the age of internet and people thinking, well why didn't she just Google it. So I thought if I added about her mom checking her search history it could double as showing how her mom was strict and why she couldn't simply look up the word on the internet. I will revisit this area and see how to improve it! Thank you for calling out what needs attention! :)
I think the demonstration says it all-it also says a lot about the character. It's a colorful description to say the least. A strict Mom complicates things. At least that's what I think, but whatta I know? Great piece!
That litany paragraph about how kids were shunned for mishaps -- peeing, menstruation, pubes -- was so brilliant. It demonstrates how "looking good" is the only power most young people have.
Yep, you’re really here. Really reading feedback on your story from Chuck The Legend Palahniuk.
Chuck, thank you so much for taking the time to help me improve my writing. Excellent points.
I too was worried about the story still having legs if the reader had not known about the radioactive prompt. Your suggestion about the thumbnail/fingernails falling off is brilliant. For one, whole nails coming off is practically my least favorite thing that can happen to a body (just typing this makes me cringe), and for two, that detail will really help to set the tone (hi folks, horror story here!) And the glowing Josie in ceramics. Bringing the roses in more… Great suggestions!
I also spent a lot of time him-hawing over which tense to use for the flashback to ceramics class. Sometimes I’ve heard people tell stories in this way: “And I SAYS to him, blah blah blah” and so part of me was trying to emulate that a bit and the other part was trying not to lose story momentum by going into past-tense flashback. But it helps to get your read on it, and maybe it is OK to use the past tense after all.
Thank you for the reminders:
-Include attributions
-Don’t evaluate for the reader
-Gerunds, check (Although I may have sort of intentionally put these in my latest story on the new call--eek!)
-Abstracts: This one is big. Thanks so much for pointing some of these out. Sometimes in my head I get so used to looking at something one way that I don’t even realize it is abstract!
You suggested using the tv show Hee Haw to measure time (loved that show as a kid!) Is to OK to use names of real TV shows/radio songs in fiction? I’ve always worried this might be faux pas. Should I be dating my story with a show from a different decade?
Thank you for the rose symbolism information.
Finally, Josie and the queef. Yes, she is meant to literally be on the floor like, here listen to the sound I can make with my body. Josie is meant to be a little wild, but in a lovable way. The narrator looks up to her, thinks of her as a legend. I put the search history thing in because in the days of internet, I worry people would say, why didn’t she just look it up on the internet. Well, 'cause she didn’t want her strict mom to find out, that's why... But noted to revisit this section and work it out better.
Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.
This feedback is so incredibly helpful, valuable, and I cannot say enough how glad I am that you are offering this learning opportunity.
Thank you for being so coach-able. You've got a truly frightening story in the works.
Also note, in both the films 'Stir or Echoes' and 'The Ring' we get multiple insert shots of fingernails being ripped off. In 'The Ring' the fingernail doesn't even figure into the plot! It's simply a jump scare way of going on-the-body for a physical reaction from the audience. Never fails.
I have to cover my eyes! Eyaaakkk! Heebie jeebies over here. Gonna have to type with my eyes closed or something when I add that part!! Which actually may backfire (by enhancing my visualization), now that I think about it...
Nails have a special place in my heart. Warning -- TMI for some... As a kid I had repeated overgrown toe nail operations. My doctor said it was the worst he’s ever seen. On my fifth and sixth operation, after the repeated growth and infections, my doctor finally made it so that the sides of my toe nails don’t grow back. Each time he had to inject me with numbing through my big toes. A long needle that is extremely painful as the injection burns into the tissue -- stabbing into the toe about ten times it seemed like. After it’s numb, they clip the sides all the way down to the root. But in the final two operations he had to go in with an tool and scrape the growth plates hard with a device that was dipped in some sort of chemical that basically killed the cells that would grow nails there. I have it saved in my memory bank as something I may potentially use later in a story. Needless to say, to this day I hate to wear sandals due to my mutant deformed toe nails, but hey they feel great now haha.
Might be more common than you think! Now I’m going to assume everyone at the beach in swim shoes or closed toed sandals has a similar lack of toe nail!
Yes, you may use real names of things in fiction. It's one of the few advantages fiction has. When making the 'Fight Club' movie they had to rename Ikea and all the Ikea products to avoid copyright violations. While in the novel, I'm legally free to use all the Ikea trademarked names.
Maegan I really enjoyed this. I had no idea it was from the writing prompt and got some satisfaction as I began to realize where this was going. This is so small, but I really love how you used the word ‘goes’ in dialogue attribution. It sounds so much like how a teenager would retell a story. It really builds the voice wonderfully. I find myself defaulting to ‘says’ a lot and while that’s not necessarily bad, it’s also not contributing to the voice of the character. ‘Goes’ is a nice alternative -- especially for this piece. It makes me think of kids retelling a story to their friend over a land line.
Chuck,
Everything here was helpful to see, but this portion really hit home with me:
“Radioactivity should be coded into as much as possible. Including the warmth of the driver’s seat, as the narrator feels the body heat left by Josie.”
There are instances in my writing where I wonder how much is too much and it seems here that you are encouraging us to hammer our themes/storylines. I forget the writing term for over-explaining, but I know it’s a big no-no. But this feedback helped me to understand that you can subtly sew the information in without hitting the reader over the head with an explanation. That comment really has me churning over a new question I’m going to ask myself going forward -- what do I want the reader to take away from this?
Thanks for your comments, Matt!!! So glad you enjoyed this. And yes, I totally agree, I believe we are trying to avoid info-dumping, and rather shooting for weaving in specific details (that come off as subtleties) that lead the reader to an Ah-ha! moment (about a paragraph before the reader reads the outright ah-ha, I believe Chuck has previously said said is good timing). My newest short story, I couldn't figure out how to weave some of this in and my good reader friend, Wil Dalton from here had some suggestions that helped me to sew in a few more subtleties that I hadn't thought of before. An outside perspective can do wonders!!
Keep in mind the commercial for Skipper's Seafood. Every image or action should reinvent fish. You can morph your 'horses' but they're still various versions of fish.
Hi Maegan. I didn't recall the writing prompt and managed to read your story to completion without ever figuring it out. Blame me, your slow-witted reader. Even without 'getting' it, I don't feel cheated. Your story was captivating. Scenes were vivid. Your language flowed. And if I were to get the payoff at the end too - Oh boy. It's a keeper. I hope you post the revisions. As always, thanks, Chuck. I'm learning so much.
Hi Brandon! Don't feel bad, I could feel in my gut the radiation poisoning wasn't embedded enough, just couldn't think what to do about it. Glad to hear that you still enjoyed the other elements. It's such a motivator to read positive responses like yours and others. After all the suggestions come in and have had a chance to seep into my subconscious, I promise to revise! Thank you for taking the time!!
I absolutely loved your story Maegan! Reading Chuck's insightful polishing tips is such an amazing tool and treat. It's incredible to see someone whose work I've always admired taking the time to help guide and mold other great minds. After reading through everything, I do totally see the need for more emphasis on the radiation poisoning. As I was personally unaware of radioactive properties in old countertops. I chalked up the sickness to it being caused by the "honey wagon" human waste after the flashback to the FIPS right at the end there. I had acknowledged the weather change from Indian Summer to the Snow so the roses being in bloom didn't strike me as odd because I attributed it to the snow coming in for a day or two and then melting again. I live in Tennessee so that's not an uncommon occurrence for the temperature to go from Summer to Winter and back again in the same 24 hours. Other than that and some other minor tweakings I hope to see this published for all to see somewhere soon. Thanks for sharing this! Best of luck to you!!!
Thank you very much, both for reading my story and for taking the time to share some of the thoughts you were having as you read. These specifics are SO helpful come editing time. Nice to hear the fickle weather is relatable for others! I will never stop being delighted that Chuck is offering this mentorship. Thanks again for taking the time. Hope you have a wonderful weekend! Send some warm weather north if you have it! :)
You're so very welcome. I truly enjoyed reading it and I'm so happy my feedback has helped you out! Yes the fickle weather is certainly relatable. It's SO delightful that Chuck is offering such an incredible opportunity. I hope to put something down in text sooner than later worthy of submittal for his critiquing as well. Welcome, can't wait to read more from you! Thanks, I hope you have a wonderful weekend too! It'll be in the 80's all weekend here so I'll happily send some warmer weather North for you! :)
Excellent work here Maegan! I can't add any more constructive criticism (for obvious reasons) but I really enjoyed your story. I kinda wish I'd've read it in its entirety before reading the notes but either way, good job!
I'm weirdly proud of all the stories getting critiqued, I feel like we're all in it together, everyone cheering everyone along.
Thank you so much, Matt! And yes, I feel this togetherness as well--one of my favorite things about Chuck's Substack! Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!
Sorry, Chuck. Beat you to it. I confused the glitter balls for sprinkled Munchkins. They crawled down my throat real slow. But Dunkin really let me down with these new flavors. Very chewy. Can't taste a thing.
Wow! This is a great story. The dialog is so natural that it’s as if the characters are leaking out of the page. It pulled me right in and kept me there. The initial flashback did throw me off at first, but once you established the “Pinch me” cue, everything else flowed nicely.
Hi Matt! Thank you very much!! “Leaking out of the page,” I love that, wow!! ☺️ Thanks for letting me know about how the flashback jarred you a bit! Looking forward to edits on this one. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment! Have a great weekend.
Hi Tony,
Thank you for reading and commenting. This story is just a short. My plan is to get it into a final draft using advice from this post, and after that, who knows. But I’m happy to hear that you’d be interested in more!
For this particular story, yes I sort of had in mind how in high school you are basically half-child, half-adult, and so I chose “freaking” to sort of add to that. Like they are watching a cartoon in class but also engaging in sex. It just is that time of life.
As a general rule, I try not to use the f bomb unless I think it adds to the story in a way other than say shocking the reader or whatever. I did make the decision to use it in my new story, Joy Ride, so there ya go. Just depends I guess.
Thanks for taking the time!!
Well said.
Of course! Thank You! I think the new deep dive method Chuck has been doing does a great job of following the reading brain and pointing out like you said, how to help a writer figure out where those hiccups in clarity occur.
Enjoyed the feedback as always, Chuck. Quick question. It might not be a strong issue you have to deal with but here it goes. How do you deal with jealousy toward another writer? Like watching your peer succeed, get published, and so on, and you want to be happy for them but at the same time it's so hard to when you still haven't really gotten far yourself. Asking for a friend. Alright, I'm the friend lol
When I read submissions, I just think, "Gee, my work is nothing like that, how am I gonna measure up?"
Hey Joe, I've felt that before. Like, damn, why didn't I come up with that?! Like, what if all the good stories get used up before I figure out how to do this? What if I age out?
And then at some point I think you just gotta realize that creativity is not finite.
And then take the leap and write--if writing is what makes you happy.
I have written a lot of really crappy stories, and I still write a lot of really crappy stories. And maybe this is not one of my crappiest stories, but it still needs improved, and that's great! I've got concrete feedback to work with and can hone in on this story and try to apply to future stories. Because maybe I compare my work to others, but the measuring up is to yourself. What can I do to make my next story better than the last?
Doug Coupland told me, "After the age of thirty you're only competing against yourself." Meaning that you're so dedicated to your craft -- as are most of your remaining peers -- that you're less likely to define your success or failure in relation to others. So age and time help.
That's it. As you stick with it you'll see peers rise and fall. You'll recognize everything as a cycle, and your greatest joy will be to return to the work of writing. That sounds trite, but we all watched David Foster Wallace rise from the triumph of 'Infinite Jest' to fall into teaching at Pomona. Likewise, we've watched Sherman Alexis and Junot Diaz rise to fame, then vanish. Ultimately, the only real joy is in the act of writing, researching, sharing work.
Go out and shop for a copy of 'Cold Mountain' and you'll see how even the most massive success vanishes very quickly.
‘Cold Mountain’ by Charles Frazier?
Jealousy, envy or lets say comparing oneself to others is tricky. There are some people like Nietzsche who saw the envy he had towards his peers as a sign of where his potential can reach. In his view, it's not a negative thing, it can be used as fuel. If you can implement his perspective that's great. For most, like myself, it can fuel hatred.
It's best to compare yourself with how you were 5 or 10 steps ago. Everyone has his own thing, his own pace. The trick is, to catch your mind in the act, then admiting envy, this way it's like you take control over that emotion. I've read works in the call for stories section and there are so many writers way way ahead of me. I think, great! lots to improve and the only way for me is up.
One other thing, I don't know if it might help but, try not to attach your value as a person with whether you succeed in writing or not. This how I move forward, it helps me do it for the fun of it.
All writers start with not great writing and worked their way up. Just keep writing. Sometimes I hope people don't see my old D&D publications because they are not great looking back. The more you write and are open to feed back, the better you will get. This is definitely a great spot to learn and sharpen your skills. We all have stuff to learn still. I know I have a TON I have to improve on. Keep writing, and use other people's work as a rung in the ladder to climb toward. A mile stone to achieve one day.
Write on!!
Exactly. A couple years ago Suzy Vitello gave me a cache of my 1991 stories written for Tom's workshop. She made me promise not to burn them. I burned them. They were worse than you could ever imagine.
Incredible piece Maeghan! Use Chuck's great advice, though-I read this before I knew about the prompt and was lost. Brilliant analysis Chuck. Was wondering about the "demonstrates" thing also.
Thank you, Jack! I will use his advice! I was worried about losing people without the prompt! The demonstration was meant to be literal--I got hung up on this being the age of internet and people thinking, well why didn't she just Google it. So I thought if I added about her mom checking her search history it could double as showing how her mom was strict and why she couldn't simply look up the word on the internet. I will revisit this area and see how to improve it! Thank you for calling out what needs attention! :)
I think the demonstration says it all-it also says a lot about the character. It's a colorful description to say the least. A strict Mom complicates things. At least that's what I think, but whatta I know? Great piece!
Great input, thanks!
That litany paragraph about how kids were shunned for mishaps -- peeing, menstruation, pubes -- was so brilliant. It demonstrates how "looking good" is the only power most young people have.
Chuck, thank you again for such a thoughtful critique. I’ll take great care on this next round of edits.
BTW Sorry Maegan not Maeghan..
❤️
I've never seen so many people pay such attention to a queef. ;) Great piece, Maegan, and fantastic feedback, Chuck.
Haha! Thank you, Robb!!
Yeah well it's better than chatting about the weather...;-)
Sure is breezy.
This is great! Thanks Maegan! Thanks Chuck!
Thank you, Wil!
Damn auto-correct! Sorry about that!
So happy to be seeing some of my favourite people receiving the exposure they deserve, thank you Chuck, you are doing the world a favour!
Anyone who isn't already subscribed to Maegan's substack really should be. Same goes for Kerri's. Great writing on both counts.
Awh, Kris, thank you for the kind words! xoxoxo
That's a great one Megan.
That snap making the nail pop image is haunting.
As usual, these tips will be usefull for everyone.
I hope my short story will be picked too.
Thanks Megan, and thanks Chuck.
Thank you, David! I agree about the nails! Will be incorporating for sure....
Pinch yourself.
Yep, you’re really here. Really reading feedback on your story from Chuck The Legend Palahniuk.
Chuck, thank you so much for taking the time to help me improve my writing. Excellent points.
I too was worried about the story still having legs if the reader had not known about the radioactive prompt. Your suggestion about the thumbnail/fingernails falling off is brilliant. For one, whole nails coming off is practically my least favorite thing that can happen to a body (just typing this makes me cringe), and for two, that detail will really help to set the tone (hi folks, horror story here!) And the glowing Josie in ceramics. Bringing the roses in more… Great suggestions!
I also spent a lot of time him-hawing over which tense to use for the flashback to ceramics class. Sometimes I’ve heard people tell stories in this way: “And I SAYS to him, blah blah blah” and so part of me was trying to emulate that a bit and the other part was trying not to lose story momentum by going into past-tense flashback. But it helps to get your read on it, and maybe it is OK to use the past tense after all.
Thank you for the reminders:
-Include attributions
-Don’t evaluate for the reader
-Gerunds, check (Although I may have sort of intentionally put these in my latest story on the new call--eek!)
-Abstracts: This one is big. Thanks so much for pointing some of these out. Sometimes in my head I get so used to looking at something one way that I don’t even realize it is abstract!
You suggested using the tv show Hee Haw to measure time (loved that show as a kid!) Is to OK to use names of real TV shows/radio songs in fiction? I’ve always worried this might be faux pas. Should I be dating my story with a show from a different decade?
Thank you for the rose symbolism information.
Finally, Josie and the queef. Yes, she is meant to literally be on the floor like, here listen to the sound I can make with my body. Josie is meant to be a little wild, but in a lovable way. The narrator looks up to her, thinks of her as a legend. I put the search history thing in because in the days of internet, I worry people would say, why didn’t she just look it up on the internet. Well, 'cause she didn’t want her strict mom to find out, that's why... But noted to revisit this section and work it out better.
Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.
This feedback is so incredibly helpful, valuable, and I cannot say enough how glad I am that you are offering this learning opportunity.
Have a great weekend,
Maegan
Thank you for being so coach-able. You've got a truly frightening story in the works.
Also note, in both the films 'Stir or Echoes' and 'The Ring' we get multiple insert shots of fingernails being ripped off. In 'The Ring' the fingernail doesn't even figure into the plot! It's simply a jump scare way of going on-the-body for a physical reaction from the audience. Never fails.
The nail scene from the twin peaks movie also comes to mind.
Always gets a cringe.
Can you put nail polish on those gross fingertips ? I Wonder how it would look.
I have to cover my eyes! Eyaaakkk! Heebie jeebies over here. Gonna have to type with my eyes closed or something when I add that part!! Which actually may backfire (by enhancing my visualization), now that I think about it...
Nails have a special place in my heart. Warning -- TMI for some... As a kid I had repeated overgrown toe nail operations. My doctor said it was the worst he’s ever seen. On my fifth and sixth operation, after the repeated growth and infections, my doctor finally made it so that the sides of my toe nails don’t grow back. Each time he had to inject me with numbing through my big toes. A long needle that is extremely painful as the injection burns into the tissue -- stabbing into the toe about ten times it seemed like. After it’s numb, they clip the sides all the way down to the root. But in the final two operations he had to go in with an tool and scrape the growth plates hard with a device that was dipped in some sort of chemical that basically killed the cells that would grow nails there. I have it saved in my memory bank as something I may potentially use later in a story. Needless to say, to this day I hate to wear sandals due to my mutant deformed toe nails, but hey they feel great now haha.
I had a good friend back in high school who had no toe nails on his big toes!
Hahah that’s basically my situation at this point. They just don’t really grow much, and that’s totally fine.
Might be more common than you think! Now I’m going to assume everyone at the beach in swim shoes or closed toed sandals has a similar lack of toe nail!
Yes, you may use real names of things in fiction. It's one of the few advantages fiction has. When making the 'Fight Club' movie they had to rename Ikea and all the Ikea products to avoid copyright violations. While in the novel, I'm legally free to use all the Ikea trademarked names.
Ahhhh! Great to know. Thank you.
Great job!
Thank you, Jake!!
Maegan I really enjoyed this. I had no idea it was from the writing prompt and got some satisfaction as I began to realize where this was going. This is so small, but I really love how you used the word ‘goes’ in dialogue attribution. It sounds so much like how a teenager would retell a story. It really builds the voice wonderfully. I find myself defaulting to ‘says’ a lot and while that’s not necessarily bad, it’s also not contributing to the voice of the character. ‘Goes’ is a nice alternative -- especially for this piece. It makes me think of kids retelling a story to their friend over a land line.
Chuck,
Everything here was helpful to see, but this portion really hit home with me:
“Radioactivity should be coded into as much as possible. Including the warmth of the driver’s seat, as the narrator feels the body heat left by Josie.”
There are instances in my writing where I wonder how much is too much and it seems here that you are encouraging us to hammer our themes/storylines. I forget the writing term for over-explaining, but I know it’s a big no-no. But this feedback helped me to understand that you can subtly sew the information in without hitting the reader over the head with an explanation. That comment really has me churning over a new question I’m going to ask myself going forward -- what do I want the reader to take away from this?
Thanks for your comments, Matt!!! So glad you enjoyed this. And yes, I totally agree, I believe we are trying to avoid info-dumping, and rather shooting for weaving in specific details (that come off as subtleties) that lead the reader to an Ah-ha! moment (about a paragraph before the reader reads the outright ah-ha, I believe Chuck has previously said said is good timing). My newest short story, I couldn't figure out how to weave some of this in and my good reader friend, Wil Dalton from here had some suggestions that helped me to sew in a few more subtleties that I hadn't thought of before. An outside perspective can do wonders!!
Keep in mind the commercial for Skipper's Seafood. Every image or action should reinvent fish. You can morph your 'horses' but they're still various versions of fish.
Hi Maegan. I didn't recall the writing prompt and managed to read your story to completion without ever figuring it out. Blame me, your slow-witted reader. Even without 'getting' it, I don't feel cheated. Your story was captivating. Scenes were vivid. Your language flowed. And if I were to get the payoff at the end too - Oh boy. It's a keeper. I hope you post the revisions. As always, thanks, Chuck. I'm learning so much.
Hi Brandon! Don't feel bad, I could feel in my gut the radiation poisoning wasn't embedded enough, just couldn't think what to do about it. Glad to hear that you still enjoyed the other elements. It's such a motivator to read positive responses like yours and others. After all the suggestions come in and have had a chance to seep into my subconscious, I promise to revise! Thank you for taking the time!!
I absolutely loved your story Maegan! Reading Chuck's insightful polishing tips is such an amazing tool and treat. It's incredible to see someone whose work I've always admired taking the time to help guide and mold other great minds. After reading through everything, I do totally see the need for more emphasis on the radiation poisoning. As I was personally unaware of radioactive properties in old countertops. I chalked up the sickness to it being caused by the "honey wagon" human waste after the flashback to the FIPS right at the end there. I had acknowledged the weather change from Indian Summer to the Snow so the roses being in bloom didn't strike me as odd because I attributed it to the snow coming in for a day or two and then melting again. I live in Tennessee so that's not an uncommon occurrence for the temperature to go from Summer to Winter and back again in the same 24 hours. Other than that and some other minor tweakings I hope to see this published for all to see somewhere soon. Thanks for sharing this! Best of luck to you!!!
Thank you very much, both for reading my story and for taking the time to share some of the thoughts you were having as you read. These specifics are SO helpful come editing time. Nice to hear the fickle weather is relatable for others! I will never stop being delighted that Chuck is offering this mentorship. Thanks again for taking the time. Hope you have a wonderful weekend! Send some warm weather north if you have it! :)
You're so very welcome. I truly enjoyed reading it and I'm so happy my feedback has helped you out! Yes the fickle weather is certainly relatable. It's SO delightful that Chuck is offering such an incredible opportunity. I hope to put something down in text sooner than later worthy of submittal for his critiquing as well. Welcome, can't wait to read more from you! Thanks, I hope you have a wonderful weekend too! It'll be in the 80's all weekend here so I'll happily send some warmer weather North for you! :)
Excellent work here Maegan! I can't add any more constructive criticism (for obvious reasons) but I really enjoyed your story. I kinda wish I'd've read it in its entirety before reading the notes but either way, good job!
I'm weirdly proud of all the stories getting critiqued, I feel like we're all in it together, everyone cheering everyone along.
Thank you so much, Matt! And yes, I feel this togetherness as well--one of my favorite things about Chuck's Substack! Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!
Chuck!
Just got my package in the mail.
A bigger box!
Thanks so much!
Lots of cool stuff in here.
Your packages are always a barrage of great smells!
Love using the little soap.
And mints for days!
But my favorite will always be whatever is in the manila envelope.
Personalized stuff FTW
And also...more magnetic poetry! I've been wanting some more words for the fridge.
The little wrapped red box...I hated cutting the ribbons to get at the inside :(
Gave Snow her dog toys and mom the pill box. Although mom might need another six of them haha
While messing with the fish, this little bag fell out and we thought you send us weed. But it's catnip. Which is kinda like weed...but for cats lol
Thanks again, Chuck!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
You hid one candy in the box that tasted funny. Something called Silica Gel? Hah! Just kidding lol
Wait! Don't eat the glitter balls. And nothing flies under the radar better than smells, in fiction and in real life.
Sorry, Chuck. Beat you to it. I confused the glitter balls for sprinkled Munchkins. They crawled down my throat real slow. But Dunkin really let me down with these new flavors. Very chewy. Can't taste a thing.
And don't even get me going on those packing peanuts. I swear man, taste nothing like a peanut.
Fun fact: Some packing peanuts are actually edible. I know you've probably thought about using those!
Wow! This is a great story. The dialog is so natural that it’s as if the characters are leaking out of the page. It pulled me right in and kept me there. The initial flashback did throw me off at first, but once you established the “Pinch me” cue, everything else flowed nicely.
Hi Matt! Thank you very much!! “Leaking out of the page,” I love that, wow!! ☺️ Thanks for letting me know about how the flashback jarred you a bit! Looking forward to edits on this one. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment! Have a great weekend.
Great story, Meagan! Thank you for submitting it for a deep dive. I learned loads from this critique.
Thank you, Katy! 😊😊😊