Chuck, I’m just hoping you feel better soon. Thank you for taking time out for this story. I’m learning a lot. I keep thinking about what Maegan said regarding the right puzzle pieces coming along from nowhere and BOOM— you got another one. This was fun to write— and I’m over the moon that you took time out while you are sick to go over it. (Rubs hands together) This next revision is gonna be UNDER THE COVERS READING WITH A FLASHLIGHT GOOD!
Kerri, this story is fantastic. And along the lines of what Chuck talks about with good stories connecting us with our own stories, that first section where she’s looking through all the old broken-down stuff she remembers from her childhood gave me sooooo many feels! A couple years ago, an uncle of mine passed away and left me the family farm in Colorado. There was so much old rusted-out farm equipment, and musty outbuildings filled with junk I remember from my childhood—even old poisonous jars of ancient preserved fruits and veggies in the basement of the house à la “We Have Always Lived in the Castle”. A couple summers ago, I went out there to deal with everything. I was walking around talking to the contractor I had hired to help me sort everything out, and we walked through a patch of these little purple weed-flowers. The smell, which brought back my entire childhood, almost ended me.
Anyway, my intention wasn’t to make my comment all about me. 😅 I just wanted to share how your imagery and descriptions touched those things inside me. Thank you!
Yes! That correlation to the preserved fruit in "We Have Always Live in the Castle" is perfect. The idea of all that collective labor becoming beautiful -- jewel toned -- but poisonous. Only Shirley Jackson could nail that.
On a name-dropping side note... In Chicago, at Trader Vics of all place, the writer Walter Kirn told me about his father-in-law dying. The man had been a doctor in Livingston, Montana, and when Kirn saw the huge jars of painkillers the man had left behind, well, Walter was buzzed for a long time.
That’s really good if it pulled up your memories! I couldn’t ask for anything better!! I’m just gonna say it—— I want to hear more about what you just wrote!! Like— I’m already invested. Mix a little bit of an old mysterious barn with some Shirley Jackson and I’m reading!!! Please write more! If you already did—- direct me thatah which way!
Thanks so much! I do have a story in me about all of this that I haven’t figured out how to get out. The buildings were all ancient and falling apart (even the house), so I had no choice but to have them torn down. It almost broke me…BUT at the same time I had squatters living on the property, and even when there was no one there, there was always evidence that people had been there—and, being a farm, of course it was isolated in the middle of nowhere—so it became this creepy place where I didn’t want to even be. The story I want to tell is about how I’m angry that these people kept me from being able to properly grieve over this. There was a woman (a friend of one set of squatters) who showed up one day and started showing me photos on her phone that she had taken of the night sky and telling me that they contained images of the ghosts of my dead relatives. (It was a very, very weird summer.) So I’m thinking of trying to make a story around the idea of ghosts but how what was really creepy/scary was the human people who invaded the space and made it feel threatening, which led to so much grief being unresolved for me. I think I’m maybe still too close to all of it to work it into fiction just yet, but this has inspired me to try again. Thanks for being interested!
Oh, and the very first story I read at NY Story Night (called “Rich”—about the guy who moved onto the farm thinking he was going to inherit it then refused to leave when he learned he wasn’t) is based on one of these people—but the story itself is about 95% fiction. That’s as close as I’ve come to actually writing about this.
I’ll check out your story!! …and now, you start your own Substack. You can cross post your video of you reading your story on it. That’s a great way to begin.
Also— may I suggest a good friend’s book, “One For Sorrow” by Christopher Barzak—- it has some elements about what happens to houses and the incidents inside. That’s just some of it. It became a movie— “Jami Marks is Dead.”
Please write more. I’m in the boat next to you. Man, this is great!!!!
I just looked up your friend's book. It sounds fantastic! I just ordered it.
That's a good idea to start a Substack. I actually have one set up, but only as a place to post a novel chapter I submitted to Chuck's call for stories. It didn't even occur to me to post my Story Night videos there.
This IS great!! I love connecting with you and talking about this stuff! 😁
Thanks for sharing Kerri, I really enjoyed reading what you’ve done so far. The descriptions Chuck suggested to cut, I know I would struggle with that if I’d written them, but I can see how these changes will really draw people in and build to your ending much more effectively.
Agreed. When I saw the three paragraphs slashed— I had my sad, “Awww” moment because I loved the details— but— I let it go and saw how it wasn’t necessary. Anyone else get caught up in the detail instead of moving the scene more and creating action?
This. I edited my brother-in-law's memoir some time ago, cut out so many unnecessary paragraphs that I think he hated me for a while. The same way I hated the editor of my own book each time the publisher came back to me with the revisions.
But after a while you forget those missing paragraphs ever existed, and what you're left with is a much sharper story. Chuck's made some excellent suggestions with this one.
Thanks Kerri, this was great! I really liked the “It was a freak accident” punchline, so I hope you keep that.
I also really liked the entire scene you set of the eerie amusement park, I think switching things up from static descriptions into dynamic descriptions will make it even more memorable.
Kerri what a great piece! Loved how threatening the adult found even an inanimate object’s reminder of this childhood memory. Such a good hook into the deeper story! I was immediately drawn in. The description is so lush and such a tantalising contrast to the toxic taunting.
I wonder if you might consider showing more of the reactions of your female characters to this clown?For example, when the high school jock throws the two baseballs to defend himself and his girlfriend, could we see her face perhaps? Is she pissed? Bored? High? Does she try to pay for some balls/tries herself before being dragged off? If the narrator is a young boy (?) then he *could* likely be very observant of the female members of the crowd in particular. Does he have the male gaze yet or is he confused by it? (He doesn’t mention his reaction one way or another to understanding the sexual taunts or not at present. His comprehension of them, and level of comprehension, would give us a great indication of his age. Or hers, if the narrator is female.) It’d be great to see a woman dunk this guy hard--softball players are brutal and unexpected pitchers. Particularly seeing that after the expected person fails to do so. Also, Mom is only mentioned in passing. She might have a strong contrasting viewpoint on the wisdom of exposing children (narrator or members of the crowd) to such abuse, that would be interesting fodder for more action/drama. Or she could be preventing Dad from getting rid of him sooner, seeing how much money he brings in, really stressing Dad out about being sued or something.
Your knack for finding an unusual world to tell a story that slyly creeps up on the reader is self evident. Your prose is assured and so smooth, making this particularly fun to read! Thank you!
Thanks so much for sharing this piece Kerri. So much about it reminded me of Stephen King -- but not in the way it’s written. More so the overall tone and themes. Even the word “Bo-bo” reminds me of SK -- it makes me think of The Yum Yum Tree in Lisey’s Story (loved that book).
Chuck... “This is why minimalism eschews pronouns where possible. I’d no idea this “it” was the Bo-Bo.” I didn’t exactly understand what you were saying when you gave me this feedback on my story, but now I do. For anyone wanting a run-down on this, here’s a quick article giving some examples on avoiding overuse of pronouns. I definitely have to work on breaking this habit. Luckily, I don’t think it will be that hard as it’s not much different from submerging the I and *I* think I’ve formed that habit pretty well.
Right! I’m still learning and all this feedback is outstanding. I have some good bones of a story people might actually want to read. I was writing it the way the person spoke out loud and in their head, but some sections were too writerly with descriptions. Also, people remember names wrong or always said them wrong. That was the case with the Gong Show host name. That was intentional. I still do that even with people I’ve known for awhile. I was trying that out to see if it would work and make the reader pay attention and want to correct the narrator. Not sure if it worked.
Really liked Chuck’s advice about people stumbling over their words in real life— it’s not always clear cut dialog.
Well, right away, I love the line, "The 'concession stand graveyard' we all called it." and Chuck's suggestion to start with it. It's just a good visual, plus the combination of words makes the reader go, Yes? Tell me more!
Me? I am a total junkie for my hometown's annual Fair, so some of these descriptions are just hog heaven for me being right up that same alley. (P.S. Love your mention of the Zipper. I am a nutso fool for the Zipper, but that's a story for another day...And the Scrambler--I cannot not think of my dad when I see that ride.)
I love this line: "The Bo-Bo— doesn’t hold that type of energy— this type was made wrong from the get go"
You could almost change 'get go' to 'go-go', but either way really has a good sound to it that bounces back to the Bo-Bo at the beginning of the line.
This start, "Since the fence was open," is excellent because a fence implies an area that you are supposed to keep out, but don't. Good for tension.
Same with this, "but what it’s done—what it’s done, people don’t talk about." gives a nice foreshadowing/tension building clue to what's to come.
I love, "the clap clap clap of the tongs."
Your bits about what can go wrong with towing a trailer were spot on! I like Chuck's idea for giving them nicknames.
I love this: "written out real large in black electrical tape, “BO-BO.” The electrical tape is a great specific and unique visual.
Clowns are naturally creepy, but this dunk tank element you've added to it is really something special. So special that all three uncles fought over it! I liked that part. The tension the situation created.
The tension you create by what comes out of the clown's mouth is really great too. You can totally amp it up like Chuck suggested with delving into not just general insults, but people's secrets type insults. That would add a spooky element to it that I think is fitting for this story.
I understand that the Bo-Bo is a hired clown, but I think it would still work to have him "know" people's secrets. The hired clown could be like, "What are you talking about?" Like he doesn't even know what he is saying. Maybe he blacks out when it happens. Like it is just something that comes over whoever is in the Bo-Bo costume. Something where the Bo-Bo has a mind of it's own. You'll figure it out.
On the other hand, you could make the Bo-Bo a robotic clown attached to the dunk-tank, But I still love when things start to go wrong with the dunk tank that affects the person/people being dunked. So in this case, I feel that the Bo-Bo does have to be a human clown rather than something integrated into the dunk tank.
Again, you will figure it all out, but just know that this is where your tension is. When the dunk tank starts to "malfunction." And it is really great stuff!
Great story and really really looking forward to the revision on this one.
Excellent. Thanks you for the comments! I am in total agreement about the clown having something supernatural happen. I am on board. The clown is human if that helps. I’m jumping back in next week to go over it. Also love the new opening line. That works hardcore. Hard to find a balance with too much and too little description and getting things to not seem so separate and have a point. Like the little girl repeating dirty jokes she heard just to get laughs and adult attention. That being the reason to be drawn to the Bo-Bo— to maybe borrow his jokes and liking “bad things”/growing up too fast.
Damn fine writer’s group we
have here. I want to improve and show it. Last thing I want to do is waste anyone’s time. Thank you all for the feedback. This meant a lot to put this in Gloves Off and take a chance.
All cool. I'm covid-sick at home by the fire. Nothing to do but deep dives.
Listen to the Jane Curtain version on YouTube!!
Oh no! Hope you feel better soon.
“Call me”
My point about the unresolved clown who vanishes, is that there has to be something that draws the narrator back to her doom.
No evil demon-possessed clown would use the word "Beneficial."
And we should all applaud Kerri for this story. It takes courage to put out work.
I adore Kerri.
(Slides you a ball to throw at Bo-Bo) Go get ‘em.
Chuck, I’m just hoping you feel better soon. Thank you for taking time out for this story. I’m learning a lot. I keep thinking about what Maegan said regarding the right puzzle pieces coming along from nowhere and BOOM— you got another one. This was fun to write— and I’m over the moon that you took time out while you are sick to go over it. (Rubs hands together) This next revision is gonna be UNDER THE COVERS READING WITH A FLASHLIGHT GOOD!
Kerri, this story is fantastic. And along the lines of what Chuck talks about with good stories connecting us with our own stories, that first section where she’s looking through all the old broken-down stuff she remembers from her childhood gave me sooooo many feels! A couple years ago, an uncle of mine passed away and left me the family farm in Colorado. There was so much old rusted-out farm equipment, and musty outbuildings filled with junk I remember from my childhood—even old poisonous jars of ancient preserved fruits and veggies in the basement of the house à la “We Have Always Lived in the Castle”. A couple summers ago, I went out there to deal with everything. I was walking around talking to the contractor I had hired to help me sort everything out, and we walked through a patch of these little purple weed-flowers. The smell, which brought back my entire childhood, almost ended me.
Anyway, my intention wasn’t to make my comment all about me. 😅 I just wanted to share how your imagery and descriptions touched those things inside me. Thank you!
Yes! That correlation to the preserved fruit in "We Have Always Live in the Castle" is perfect. The idea of all that collective labor becoming beautiful -- jewel toned -- but poisonous. Only Shirley Jackson could nail that.
On a name-dropping side note... In Chicago, at Trader Vics of all place, the writer Walter Kirn told me about his father-in-law dying. The man had been a doctor in Livingston, Montana, and when Kirn saw the huge jars of painkillers the man had left behind, well, Walter was buzzed for a long time.
Karin,
That’s really good if it pulled up your memories! I couldn’t ask for anything better!! I’m just gonna say it—— I want to hear more about what you just wrote!! Like— I’m already invested. Mix a little bit of an old mysterious barn with some Shirley Jackson and I’m reading!!! Please write more! If you already did—- direct me thatah which way!
Thanks so much! I do have a story in me about all of this that I haven’t figured out how to get out. The buildings were all ancient and falling apart (even the house), so I had no choice but to have them torn down. It almost broke me…BUT at the same time I had squatters living on the property, and even when there was no one there, there was always evidence that people had been there—and, being a farm, of course it was isolated in the middle of nowhere—so it became this creepy place where I didn’t want to even be. The story I want to tell is about how I’m angry that these people kept me from being able to properly grieve over this. There was a woman (a friend of one set of squatters) who showed up one day and started showing me photos on her phone that she had taken of the night sky and telling me that they contained images of the ghosts of my dead relatives. (It was a very, very weird summer.) So I’m thinking of trying to make a story around the idea of ghosts but how what was really creepy/scary was the human people who invaded the space and made it feel threatening, which led to so much grief being unresolved for me. I think I’m maybe still too close to all of it to work it into fiction just yet, but this has inspired me to try again. Thanks for being interested!
Oh, and the very first story I read at NY Story Night (called “Rich”—about the guy who moved onto the farm thinking he was going to inherit it then refused to leave when he learned he wasn’t) is based on one of these people—but the story itself is about 95% fiction. That’s as close as I’ve come to actually writing about this.
I’ll check out your story!! …and now, you start your own Substack. You can cross post your video of you reading your story on it. That’s a great way to begin.
Also— may I suggest a good friend’s book, “One For Sorrow” by Christopher Barzak—- it has some elements about what happens to houses and the incidents inside. That’s just some of it. It became a movie— “Jami Marks is Dead.”
Please write more. I’m in the boat next to you. Man, this is great!!!!
I just looked up your friend's book. It sounds fantastic! I just ordered it.
That's a good idea to start a Substack. I actually have one set up, but only as a place to post a novel chapter I submitted to Chuck's call for stories. It didn't even occur to me to post my Story Night videos there.
This IS great!! I love connecting with you and talking about this stuff! 😁
Thanks for sharing Kerri, I really enjoyed reading what you’ve done so far. The descriptions Chuck suggested to cut, I know I would struggle with that if I’d written them, but I can see how these changes will really draw people in and build to your ending much more effectively.
Agreed. When I saw the three paragraphs slashed— I had my sad, “Awww” moment because I loved the details— but— I let it go and saw how it wasn’t necessary. Anyone else get caught up in the detail instead of moving the scene more and creating action?
Every single time I do this. I’ve only started to become aware of many of my mistakes since doing weekly readings.
This. I edited my brother-in-law's memoir some time ago, cut out so many unnecessary paragraphs that I think he hated me for a while. The same way I hated the editor of my own book each time the publisher came back to me with the revisions.
But after a while you forget those missing paragraphs ever existed, and what you're left with is a much sharper story. Chuck's made some excellent suggestions with this one.
Really needed Bo Bo to be reincarnated as the little brother at the end there.
Thanks Kerri, this was great! I really liked the “It was a freak accident” punchline, so I hope you keep that.
I also really liked the entire scene you set of the eerie amusement park, I think switching things up from static descriptions into dynamic descriptions will make it even more memorable.
Kerri what a great piece! Loved how threatening the adult found even an inanimate object’s reminder of this childhood memory. Such a good hook into the deeper story! I was immediately drawn in. The description is so lush and such a tantalising contrast to the toxic taunting.
I wonder if you might consider showing more of the reactions of your female characters to this clown?For example, when the high school jock throws the two baseballs to defend himself and his girlfriend, could we see her face perhaps? Is she pissed? Bored? High? Does she try to pay for some balls/tries herself before being dragged off? If the narrator is a young boy (?) then he *could* likely be very observant of the female members of the crowd in particular. Does he have the male gaze yet or is he confused by it? (He doesn’t mention his reaction one way or another to understanding the sexual taunts or not at present. His comprehension of them, and level of comprehension, would give us a great indication of his age. Or hers, if the narrator is female.) It’d be great to see a woman dunk this guy hard--softball players are brutal and unexpected pitchers. Particularly seeing that after the expected person fails to do so. Also, Mom is only mentioned in passing. She might have a strong contrasting viewpoint on the wisdom of exposing children (narrator or members of the crowd) to such abuse, that would be interesting fodder for more action/drama. Or she could be preventing Dad from getting rid of him sooner, seeing how much money he brings in, really stressing Dad out about being sued or something.
Your knack for finding an unusual world to tell a story that slyly creeps up on the reader is self evident. Your prose is assured and so smooth, making this particularly fun to read! Thank you!
Thanks so much for sharing this piece Kerri. So much about it reminded me of Stephen King -- but not in the way it’s written. More so the overall tone and themes. Even the word “Bo-bo” reminds me of SK -- it makes me think of The Yum Yum Tree in Lisey’s Story (loved that book).
Chuck... “This is why minimalism eschews pronouns where possible. I’d no idea this “it” was the Bo-Bo.” I didn’t exactly understand what you were saying when you gave me this feedback on my story, but now I do. For anyone wanting a run-down on this, here’s a quick article giving some examples on avoiding overuse of pronouns. I definitely have to work on breaking this habit. Luckily, I don’t think it will be that hard as it’s not much different from submerging the I and *I* think I’ve formed that habit pretty well.
https://howtodothewritething.com/avoid-pronouns-in-writing/
Thank you. What a great tool for everyone to enjoy.
Right! I’m still learning and all this feedback is outstanding. I have some good bones of a story people might actually want to read. I was writing it the way the person spoke out loud and in their head, but some sections were too writerly with descriptions. Also, people remember names wrong or always said them wrong. That was the case with the Gong Show host name. That was intentional. I still do that even with people I’ve known for awhile. I was trying that out to see if it would work and make the reader pay attention and want to correct the narrator. Not sure if it worked.
Really liked Chuck’s advice about people stumbling over their words in real life— it’s not always clear cut dialog.
Thank you everyone. Super insightful.
Bo-Bo is coming for you.
Kerri!
Well, right away, I love the line, "The 'concession stand graveyard' we all called it." and Chuck's suggestion to start with it. It's just a good visual, plus the combination of words makes the reader go, Yes? Tell me more!
Me? I am a total junkie for my hometown's annual Fair, so some of these descriptions are just hog heaven for me being right up that same alley. (P.S. Love your mention of the Zipper. I am a nutso fool for the Zipper, but that's a story for another day...And the Scrambler--I cannot not think of my dad when I see that ride.)
I love this line: "The Bo-Bo— doesn’t hold that type of energy— this type was made wrong from the get go"
You could almost change 'get go' to 'go-go', but either way really has a good sound to it that bounces back to the Bo-Bo at the beginning of the line.
This start, "Since the fence was open," is excellent because a fence implies an area that you are supposed to keep out, but don't. Good for tension.
Same with this, "but what it’s done—what it’s done, people don’t talk about." gives a nice foreshadowing/tension building clue to what's to come.
I love, "the clap clap clap of the tongs."
Your bits about what can go wrong with towing a trailer were spot on! I like Chuck's idea for giving them nicknames.
I love this: "written out real large in black electrical tape, “BO-BO.” The electrical tape is a great specific and unique visual.
Clowns are naturally creepy, but this dunk tank element you've added to it is really something special. So special that all three uncles fought over it! I liked that part. The tension the situation created.
The tension you create by what comes out of the clown's mouth is really great too. You can totally amp it up like Chuck suggested with delving into not just general insults, but people's secrets type insults. That would add a spooky element to it that I think is fitting for this story.
I understand that the Bo-Bo is a hired clown, but I think it would still work to have him "know" people's secrets. The hired clown could be like, "What are you talking about?" Like he doesn't even know what he is saying. Maybe he blacks out when it happens. Like it is just something that comes over whoever is in the Bo-Bo costume. Something where the Bo-Bo has a mind of it's own. You'll figure it out.
On the other hand, you could make the Bo-Bo a robotic clown attached to the dunk-tank, But I still love when things start to go wrong with the dunk tank that affects the person/people being dunked. So in this case, I feel that the Bo-Bo does have to be a human clown rather than something integrated into the dunk tank.
Again, you will figure it all out, but just know that this is where your tension is. When the dunk tank starts to "malfunction." And it is really great stuff!
Great story and really really looking forward to the revision on this one.
Excellent. Thanks you for the comments! I am in total agreement about the clown having something supernatural happen. I am on board. The clown is human if that helps. I’m jumping back in next week to go over it. Also love the new opening line. That works hardcore. Hard to find a balance with too much and too little description and getting things to not seem so separate and have a point. Like the little girl repeating dirty jokes she heard just to get laughs and adult attention. That being the reason to be drawn to the Bo-Bo— to maybe borrow his jokes and liking “bad things”/growing up too fast.
Damn fine writer’s group we
have here. I want to improve and show it. Last thing I want to do is waste anyone’s time. Thank you all for the feedback. This meant a lot to put this in Gloves Off and take a chance.