Thank you so much Chuck! This was honestly the most insightful and useful critique I've ever received. I'll be sure to be more of an egotistical asshole in the future.
I actually read this piece a month ago! This is a really neat time-capsule story, with some great trivia. The shape of the story is perfect.
I found myself craving just a few on the body, tactile experiences. Chuck mentioned when the narrator walks the Mercurian, burying bodies (yes.)
Another space might be near "how did the not expect us to tear each other apart?" Does the ship always record? This might be a space to provide a snapshot of sound, if the narrator was held up in their room while someone was murdered outside. You can pay this off again later, in the hive mind passage. Maybe if I just opened the door, I wouldn't be vibrating my vocals on this microphone. I'd be talking to someone who talks back, etc.
Thank you for sharing this piece, and going boldly to Chuck's Inbox.
Really dug the premise and most of the execution but agreeing with Chuck that the voice needs texture! My mind, while reading, went to the role-playing game Paranoia ( https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paranoia_(role-playing_game) ) which has every player start with an ability that is outlawed and must be kept hidden from other players. Also, I’m currently wrapping up a second reading of William Gibson’s “Pattern Recognition”. wherein the protagonist gets triggered or exhausted when exposed to certain logos or mascots. While having an egotistical lead would work well, I think other personality types/flaws might also generate a satisfying method for becoming a (possible) lone survivor on the Mercurian, and you would surely deserve bonus points if it was something unnoticed by the other passengers. The story, as it stands now, reads quickly (breezily, even, so you deserve points for that) but, honestly, I felt starved for gory details. The planters need color, dimension and possibly earlier introduction followed by a later revelation of their dual purpose beyond decorative. Some descriptions of how people were killed (and specifically why?) would also bring me closer to the tragedy and sad humor of the Mercurian’s fate. Whether your character ends up an asshole is up to you but finding that ego to share with the reader is key. I’d argue that a mild-mannered shut-in can also have strong egotistical leanings. In the end, it doesn’t really matter who your protagonist was paired with originally. The tale works fine without the information, yet it’s an unexplored avenue that, since you brought up the pairings, could open into some nice details. Thanks for letting Chuck put this up so we subscribing yahoos can poke at it with our sharp (at times) instruments! It’s sure as hell better than any story I’ve produced!
One of the best short stories I’ve read in a while. The framing of the world is fantastic - the perspective was interesting. I almost had the voice of an AI telling the story.
Thank you for allowing your wonderful work to be studied so openly like this. I look forward to reading more of your work, especially the egoist narcissistic asshole stuff. I’m 100% here for it!
In other news, guess what play is being featured on Play Me. I thought it could interest the group (bearing in mind that no one goes back to old threads) ;)
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'd like to offer a bit of feedback:
I like at the very beginning how you pulled me in with the line, "First, I want to apologize." It made me feel close to the narrator, like they were talking directly to me, which I liked. It also made me wonder what was next. Apologize for what? You got me curious. There is tension in having to apologize for something, and when I read tension, I have to keep reading to resolve it.
Another place I found tension in your story was when we discover that the narrator is seemingly alone, only finding bodies so far, even after a year of roaming. That could really be done up more or call me crazy, but maybe that's where your story starts. The narrator searching for life, hearing skittering on the ship--the few others still alive perhaps? Or just another bump to scare the crap out of the you when you are all alone...Then as the narrator searches you could give us through story how they arrived at this point.
You have a whole story laid out out here; a solid foundation, and I think that is one of the hardest parts. Sometimes when I can't figure out where a story is going I will pretend I am the main character and tell myself the entire story in that character's voice so that I know what the story is about and what happened to them/their backstory. Then I go back and dramatize it or as Chuck suggests, use different textures.
I think SciFi can be a real challenge in terms of world-building. How much is too much, how much is too little. How to do it without info dumping. I recently wrote a SciFi story myself (on a whim; not my typical genre) and my biggest struggle has been getting onto the page what I was envisioning in my head in a way that a reader could see as well, and without losing them. You have the entire world and its history painted clearly. I commend you and can't wait to see where you take it from here.
Ha! And as I'm re-reading Chuck's advice, I see that exploring an empty ship has been done and the beauty of your story is that you are going about it differently. Of course, listen to Chuck!!! :) :) :)
This was fun read to follow. I love it when a piece of writing leaves me little frame of reference as to where this is going or why or what time and place I’m in. I didn’t know where I was at at the beginning and that hooked me and lead my curiosity. It strings me along.
I really liked the idea of burying the bodies in the planter. So many times we see the body shot out into space through a sucking airlock. Whoosh! Never seen again. Boring. Like dumping a body out to sea. Using bodies to self sustain is fun and it could also leave this sort sense of impending doom or hopelessness in the character(s). That all he’ll get to be is just another dead guy dumped in a flower pot. And the idea of all the other bodies being there is so creepy. Makes me think of old catacombs under cities.
I’m a big fan of the mouse utopia experiment. If anyone here wants to learn about it, a great video that will not disappoint you is The Mouse Utopia Experiments on YouTube on the Down the Rabbit Hole channel. That guy puts out amazing content and every video is done as well as a thesis.
RE: “Or… break all the ‘chuck rules’ and burn this sucker down. Consider that as the final survivor of the “beautiful ones” this narrator is the ultimate egotist. An arrogant prick.”
I’ve thought this before and I’m glad you touched on this, Chuck. This has been on my ‘Chuck Questions’ list for a while. One of my characters has a tendency to use thought verbs. I purposefully try to avoid overdoing it, but the character is a runt who has been picked on most of his life and in adulthood he sometimes tries to use large vocabulary even though he does not have an educated background. It’s little man’s syndrome.
Also, I’ve noticed that a number of authors who you’ve recommended still use plenty of to-be verbs. I know you’ve said that that rule isn’t necessarily an absolute, but more so about avoiding the habit; that it’s ok to use was/had/is if it’s a bland moment that you want to act as a bridge to the next piece of action. At least, that how I’ve come to understand when it is ok to use to-be verbs.
You can still use abstract and ten-dollar words, but use them wrong. That will show even more insecurity and aspiration. Check out my short-short story 'Eleanor' for misused pretension language.
Unless you steer the reader into thinking he/she is smarter than the narrator whose misuse of language betrays a weakness. If the reader feels smarter, the reader will be even more attached to the narrative. Wanting confirmation. The way we guess at game shows, then stayed glued to the television for confirmation that we're right.
Cool! Thanks. I will definitely check that one out. Lately I’ve making lists when I come across examples of misused words in conversation. The other day someone said to me, “That idea makes me speculative,” rather than skeptical. I put it on my list. And maybe that sentence or use isn’t technically wrong, but it still struck me as quirky.
Ha. I always liked the saying “use your brains”. You know, as if we have more than one... Gotta admit I say that in group texts a lot just to piss off my friends.
Thanks for pointing me to ‘Eleanor’. I read it over my lunch break. What a huge help. I’m now going through each chapter and burning the language more to fit my character. It helped me realize that there was still some writerly ego in me that wanted to phrase things certain ways that made it less enticing and less believable given the main character’s background. Especially when it came to description. I came across so many examples where I’d wanted to paint a beautiful picture dripping with gaudy detail to the point that it was not my character telling the story.
Great story. Great notes. Seeing these critiques really helps land all the tools from Consider This and from this site. Looking forward to the next one (and the next version of this story from SinisterInkSmudge!)
Would you say there's a distinguishing factor in finding a good voice between 1st and 3rd person narration? For instance, do you think a person is liable to write in one perspective better than the other, or is that a semantic fallacy?
Excellent story, Sinisterinsmudge (i thought it was "sister" ink smudge until just now)! Thanks for stepping up as another feedback volunteer for Chuck's review. Echoing what others have mentioned, I just wanted a few more tactile descriptions sprinkled throughout. I still burned through it on quick read. Thanks!
Random question for anyone. I need some help describing something.
You know how you open a garbage bag? Does anyone lick their finger and massage it open? And when you get the opening to split, what do you do after that? Because I shake the bag to get air in.
"With the tip of my finger coated in saliva, I work and massage the split, driving the digit deeper and working it into the crevice. Then it's two fingers. Then three. Then four. The whole hand. I drive my fist through the hole, allowing my arm to go as deep as the elbow. Then, finally, I shake my arm about inside, pushing the interior surfaces this way and that. That done, I remove the enveloped arm and with both hands pull the split apart, creating an opening big enough to drop a small boulder into. It's done: the garbage bag is now open and ready for use."
What? Why's everybody staring at me like that? It's a description of opening a garbage bag.
As far as writing voice, I take refuge in third person. It's a fear thing. And also because I feel like I only have my own boring voice to work with. Even though I adore first-person the best, knowing that Chuck builds up a voice and reinvents language for each story...dude, that was like a shotgun blast to my soul when I heard that lol
Maybe it's because I still have perfectionism infecting my mind. Imagine trying to perfect and imperfect voice. Sounds like a weird dilemma.
Thanks for sharing! Chuck’s comments on what works and what he’d like to see more of is always spot-on. And super helpful for the rest of us. I had an idea, don’t know if it’d work for you or not, but if you go the name-dropping pretentiousness route, you could explore some of the magnificent items humans have made that the narrator references in the closing of the letter, but show a preference for luxury goods, saying “okay, I’m back... I had to pause this message to make myself an espresso? Do you have that? Ideally, the beans are from_______, grown in soil fertilized by the remains of _____ and fed with water from the springs of______. It’s divine... Why some passengers settled for Nescafe I’ll never understand...”
Incidentally, I lived in Bulgaria for a couple years and was proudly (and often) told that one of their songs was on the golden record.
Very good story and great analysis from Chuck. One thing that struck me early on, and my only criticism, is based on something Margaret Atwood once explained about sci-fi in a Big Think video that was on YouTube (now taken down apparently):
In a utopian/dystopian story there tends to be "Tour of the Recycling Plant" at some point, where a "knowing" character takes others around the modern recycling facility/etc. and explains exactly how things went wrong in the past and how they were improved upon. The Mercurian addresses this question and answers it brilliantly (i.e. there is no real answer, human nature is what it is, so there can be no Utopia, etc.), but the story still *felt* like one long tour of the recycling plant--a bit expository by its nature.
Like Chuck suggests, a bit more showing and a bit less telling might help to make the exposition a bit more seamless.
Thank you so much Chuck! This was honestly the most insightful and useful critique I've ever received. I'll be sure to be more of an egotistical asshole in the future.
Hi Inky,
I actually read this piece a month ago! This is a really neat time-capsule story, with some great trivia. The shape of the story is perfect.
I found myself craving just a few on the body, tactile experiences. Chuck mentioned when the narrator walks the Mercurian, burying bodies (yes.)
Another space might be near "how did the not expect us to tear each other apart?" Does the ship always record? This might be a space to provide a snapshot of sound, if the narrator was held up in their room while someone was murdered outside. You can pay this off again later, in the hive mind passage. Maybe if I just opened the door, I wouldn't be vibrating my vocals on this microphone. I'd be talking to someone who talks back, etc.
Thank you for sharing this piece, and going boldly to Chuck's Inbox.
You have a brilliant idea and a great angle. Indulge in a great voice, and it will be a classic. Thank YOU.
Really dug the premise and most of the execution but agreeing with Chuck that the voice needs texture! My mind, while reading, went to the role-playing game Paranoia ( https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paranoia_(role-playing_game) ) which has every player start with an ability that is outlawed and must be kept hidden from other players. Also, I’m currently wrapping up a second reading of William Gibson’s “Pattern Recognition”. wherein the protagonist gets triggered or exhausted when exposed to certain logos or mascots. While having an egotistical lead would work well, I think other personality types/flaws might also generate a satisfying method for becoming a (possible) lone survivor on the Mercurian, and you would surely deserve bonus points if it was something unnoticed by the other passengers. The story, as it stands now, reads quickly (breezily, even, so you deserve points for that) but, honestly, I felt starved for gory details. The planters need color, dimension and possibly earlier introduction followed by a later revelation of their dual purpose beyond decorative. Some descriptions of how people were killed (and specifically why?) would also bring me closer to the tragedy and sad humor of the Mercurian’s fate. Whether your character ends up an asshole is up to you but finding that ego to share with the reader is key. I’d argue that a mild-mannered shut-in can also have strong egotistical leanings. In the end, it doesn’t really matter who your protagonist was paired with originally. The tale works fine without the information, yet it’s an unexplored avenue that, since you brought up the pairings, could open into some nice details. Thanks for letting Chuck put this up so we subscribing yahoos can poke at it with our sharp (at times) instruments! It’s sure as hell better than any story I’ve produced!
One of the best short stories I’ve read in a while. The framing of the world is fantastic - the perspective was interesting. I almost had the voice of an AI telling the story.
Thank you for allowing your wonderful work to be studied so openly like this. I look forward to reading more of your work, especially the egoist narcissistic asshole stuff. I’m 100% here for it!
That story was out of this world!
In other news, guess what play is being featured on Play Me. I thought it could interest the group (bearing in mind that no one goes back to old threads) ;)
https://www.cbc.ca/listen/cbc-podcasts/211-playme/episode/15788286-the-quarantine-chronicles-dont-get-me-startered
"Out of this world."
Karen is spacing out on us lol
Hi SinisterInkSmudge,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'd like to offer a bit of feedback:
I like at the very beginning how you pulled me in with the line, "First, I want to apologize." It made me feel close to the narrator, like they were talking directly to me, which I liked. It also made me wonder what was next. Apologize for what? You got me curious. There is tension in having to apologize for something, and when I read tension, I have to keep reading to resolve it.
Another place I found tension in your story was when we discover that the narrator is seemingly alone, only finding bodies so far, even after a year of roaming. That could really be done up more or call me crazy, but maybe that's where your story starts. The narrator searching for life, hearing skittering on the ship--the few others still alive perhaps? Or just another bump to scare the crap out of the you when you are all alone...Then as the narrator searches you could give us through story how they arrived at this point.
You have a whole story laid out out here; a solid foundation, and I think that is one of the hardest parts. Sometimes when I can't figure out where a story is going I will pretend I am the main character and tell myself the entire story in that character's voice so that I know what the story is about and what happened to them/their backstory. Then I go back and dramatize it or as Chuck suggests, use different textures.
I think SciFi can be a real challenge in terms of world-building. How much is too much, how much is too little. How to do it without info dumping. I recently wrote a SciFi story myself (on a whim; not my typical genre) and my biggest struggle has been getting onto the page what I was envisioning in my head in a way that a reader could see as well, and without losing them. You have the entire world and its history painted clearly. I commend you and can't wait to see where you take it from here.
Thank you again for sharing.
A pleasure to read.
Ha! And as I'm re-reading Chuck's advice, I see that exploring an empty ship has been done and the beauty of your story is that you are going about it differently. Of course, listen to Chuck!!! :) :) :)
This was fun read to follow. I love it when a piece of writing leaves me little frame of reference as to where this is going or why or what time and place I’m in. I didn’t know where I was at at the beginning and that hooked me and lead my curiosity. It strings me along.
I really liked the idea of burying the bodies in the planter. So many times we see the body shot out into space through a sucking airlock. Whoosh! Never seen again. Boring. Like dumping a body out to sea. Using bodies to self sustain is fun and it could also leave this sort sense of impending doom or hopelessness in the character(s). That all he’ll get to be is just another dead guy dumped in a flower pot. And the idea of all the other bodies being there is so creepy. Makes me think of old catacombs under cities.
I’m a big fan of the mouse utopia experiment. If anyone here wants to learn about it, a great video that will not disappoint you is The Mouse Utopia Experiments on YouTube on the Down the Rabbit Hole channel. That guy puts out amazing content and every video is done as well as a thesis.
RE: “Or… break all the ‘chuck rules’ and burn this sucker down. Consider that as the final survivor of the “beautiful ones” this narrator is the ultimate egotist. An arrogant prick.”
I’ve thought this before and I’m glad you touched on this, Chuck. This has been on my ‘Chuck Questions’ list for a while. One of my characters has a tendency to use thought verbs. I purposefully try to avoid overdoing it, but the character is a runt who has been picked on most of his life and in adulthood he sometimes tries to use large vocabulary even though he does not have an educated background. It’s little man’s syndrome.
Also, I’ve noticed that a number of authors who you’ve recommended still use plenty of to-be verbs. I know you’ve said that that rule isn’t necessarily an absolute, but more so about avoiding the habit; that it’s ok to use was/had/is if it’s a bland moment that you want to act as a bridge to the next piece of action. At least, that how I’ve come to understand when it is ok to use to-be verbs.
You can still use abstract and ten-dollar words, but use them wrong. That will show even more insecurity and aspiration. Check out my short-short story 'Eleanor' for misused pretension language.
Unless you steer the reader into thinking he/she is smarter than the narrator whose misuse of language betrays a weakness. If the reader feels smarter, the reader will be even more attached to the narrative. Wanting confirmation. The way we guess at game shows, then stayed glued to the television for confirmation that we're right.
Cool! Thanks. I will definitely check that one out. Lately I’ve making lists when I come across examples of misused words in conversation. The other day someone said to me, “That idea makes me speculative,” rather than skeptical. I put it on my list. And maybe that sentence or use isn’t technically wrong, but it still struck me as quirky.
Ha. I always liked the saying “use your brains”. You know, as if we have more than one... Gotta admit I say that in group texts a lot just to piss off my friends.
Probably, but they don’t text me. :(
Exactly. That's 'burning' the language. It's completely seductive.
Thanks for pointing me to ‘Eleanor’. I read it over my lunch break. What a huge help. I’m now going through each chapter and burning the language more to fit my character. It helped me realize that there was still some writerly ego in me that wanted to phrase things certain ways that made it less enticing and less believable given the main character’s background. Especially when it came to description. I came across so many examples where I’d wanted to paint a beautiful picture dripping with gaudy detail to the point that it was not my character telling the story.
This story was super cool! I love sci-fi! Great feedback and tips too! I have much to learn!
Great story. Great notes. Seeing these critiques really helps land all the tools from Consider This and from this site. Looking forward to the next one (and the next version of this story from SinisterInkSmudge!)
A note. If Sinister can nail a good voice, the woo-woo will happen, and the author will never go back to more conventional writing.
Would you say there's a distinguishing factor in finding a good voice between 1st and 3rd person narration? For instance, do you think a person is liable to write in one perspective better than the other, or is that a semantic fallacy?
Excellent story, Sinisterinsmudge (i thought it was "sister" ink smudge until just now)! Thanks for stepping up as another feedback volunteer for Chuck's review. Echoing what others have mentioned, I just wanted a few more tactile descriptions sprinkled throughout. I still burned through it on quick read. Thanks!
Random question for anyone. I need some help describing something.
You know how you open a garbage bag? Does anyone lick their finger and massage it open? And when you get the opening to split, what do you do after that? Because I shake the bag to get air in.
Is there a better way of describing that?
I rub mine open…and yeah then shake violently haha
Sometimes I fit it around the trash bin and then push it down…
It must be a universal thing. I shake that bag like I'm mad at it haha
I am for sure mad at it.
"With the tip of my finger coated in saliva, I work and massage the split, driving the digit deeper and working it into the crevice. Then it's two fingers. Then three. Then four. The whole hand. I drive my fist through the hole, allowing my arm to go as deep as the elbow. Then, finally, I shake my arm about inside, pushing the interior surfaces this way and that. That done, I remove the enveloped arm and with both hands pull the split apart, creating an opening big enough to drop a small boulder into. It's done: the garbage bag is now open and ready for use."
What? Why's everybody staring at me like that? It's a description of opening a garbage bag.
Haha nice!!!
Wow Brandan, you just proved that you can make ANYTHING sexy. That's pure skill.
Some call it a curse...
As far as writing voice, I take refuge in third person. It's a fear thing. And also because I feel like I only have my own boring voice to work with. Even though I adore first-person the best, knowing that Chuck builds up a voice and reinvents language for each story...dude, that was like a shotgun blast to my soul when I heard that lol
Maybe it's because I still have perfectionism infecting my mind. Imagine trying to perfect and imperfect voice. Sounds like a weird dilemma.
Thanks for sharing! Chuck’s comments on what works and what he’d like to see more of is always spot-on. And super helpful for the rest of us. I had an idea, don’t know if it’d work for you or not, but if you go the name-dropping pretentiousness route, you could explore some of the magnificent items humans have made that the narrator references in the closing of the letter, but show a preference for luxury goods, saying “okay, I’m back... I had to pause this message to make myself an espresso? Do you have that? Ideally, the beans are from_______, grown in soil fertilized by the remains of _____ and fed with water from the springs of______. It’s divine... Why some passengers settled for Nescafe I’ll never understand...”
Incidentally, I lived in Bulgaria for a couple years and was proudly (and often) told that one of their songs was on the golden record.
I loved the story. What a fresh voice. Love this exercise. Thanks.
Very good story and great analysis from Chuck. One thing that struck me early on, and my only criticism, is based on something Margaret Atwood once explained about sci-fi in a Big Think video that was on YouTube (now taken down apparently):
In a utopian/dystopian story there tends to be "Tour of the Recycling Plant" at some point, where a "knowing" character takes others around the modern recycling facility/etc. and explains exactly how things went wrong in the past and how they were improved upon. The Mercurian addresses this question and answers it brilliantly (i.e. there is no real answer, human nature is what it is, so there can be no Utopia, etc.), but the story still *felt* like one long tour of the recycling plant--a bit expository by its nature.
Like Chuck suggests, a bit more showing and a bit less telling might help to make the exposition a bit more seamless.
Thank you for sharing your story. It was wonderful. I agree that Chuck's suggestions will only make it that much better.