Yes! Gloves Off comes back with a bare knuckle crack into my cerebrum. Gosh there is some good stuff I can use for my latest story. Thank you Chuck. Congratulations on getting your story torn apart John! Good luck on the open mic!!
You know, the sous conversation of your story is that the narrator is the child's father. Right? Just because you don't put a dad in the video you open up the possibility...
The crowd was great, except for a very rude chap breathing like he just ran a marathon, smacking his lips, and lapping up gallons of water with his massive tongue at the beginning. Someone brought their horse sized dog.
And I got tremors, as expected, but not full on dissociation like in Youngstown. An improvement.
My performance could have been better if I had some beta blockers. The reaction in Youngstown was excellent. Natural laughs feel nice, even during dissociation.
I try to learn from other people mistakes but sometimes it takes something a bit more embarrassing to drive the point home for other short comings. Craig, Matt, And John have all helped me out quite a bit with workshopping as did, Suzy's crew, Monica, and your Portland workshop. The Gloves Off are a nice deep dive educational device that I can refer back too.
I miss all of you too. Ha, yes I would have enjoyed it. I could have told him how we had to use strict isolation and herpes medication to quell and outbreak on chickpox on my ship. Adult chicken pox is no joke.
It really isn’t. In my early 20s I got shingles in my eye. Luckily it only took the eye doctor FOUR WEEKS to figure it out and treat me. I was living in Chicago at the time and at one point it was like walking around with a white sheet over the right side of my face. Try crossing the State Street with one eyeball. 👁️
That open! We've all eaten or encountered orange cheese snacks. Every human that's had them can smell them via memory, feel the second-hand grease, hear themselves cursing when they accidentally come in contact. On kid's toys, especially. Awesome.
Note that every time you juxtapose finger-food and filth, you get a win. When I first workshopped the scene in 'Snuff' where guys are eating from the craft services buffet while flogging their junk... ah, I can still hear the groan of disgust from my fellow writers.
Hey John! What a treat to see your story up here! I was fascinated by the part where the narrator talks about actors and how they have tells, and I wondered what the narrator's tell is. Did it have to do with his neck? And I'm very curious about the relationship between the narrator and the mother/daughter. Would love to see some more clues that hint at why he is onto them in the first place. That splash of orange you threw in at the beginning is great; give us more. Nice work!
John, congratulations on a great story. When I got to the end, I went back to read the part about the mama whale eating the little fish because I didn't remember whether it said eating a little whale or a little fish - it certainly felt like the mama whale was eating its own.
I actually wrote the actor authority paragraph as "ask any actor" in the first draft, but changed it in revision because I wanted to make sure that the reader understood the narrator's authority on reading nonverbal cues. But it works just as well in second person. Second guessing myself never does me any favors.
I will cut some elements, further unpack, morph what's left, and keep it under 1000 words.
The smoke alarm is an A+ detail that I should have thought of. Also should have recognized the usefulness of the orange fingers.
I got the "maroney" sticker wrong on purpose. And hoped that the MPG details help people put it together when they don't know the name of it.
Dammit. I missed that passive sentence at the end.
Hitting on the neck twice at the end is a brilliant idea.
Oh! Gloves off is back! Yes!
I wanna be next!
Give me a link first, and I'll respond within the week.
DM’d you.
Oh dear. I'm lousy at that, but I'll check.
https://open.substack.com/pub/atticusblake/p/goo-goos-basilisk?r=sqvsi&utm_medium=ios idk if links work here but that’s the one.
I'm guessing you've had to do work with Chuck to submit? I don't have anything ready, yet. Just wondering.
Yes! Gloves Off comes back with a bare knuckle crack into my cerebrum. Gosh there is some good stuff I can use for my latest story. Thank you Chuck. Congratulations on getting your story torn apart John! Good luck on the open mic!!
An hour earlier and I coulda been the star of the show. Not an open mic. Little event the group put together at a defunct catholic church.
Smaller is usually better. You can gauge the crowd better, and you're less likely to get that oblivious noisemaker in the background.
You know, the sous conversation of your story is that the narrator is the child's father. Right? Just because you don't put a dad in the video you open up the possibility...
The surrogate father narrator in Trades. Long distance fathering here.
Had a surprisingly good turnout. 10-15 writers group members. About 30-40 audience in addition.
The guy I worked with to get it started is an old punk turned record store owner who knows everyone.
The crowd was great, except for a very rude chap breathing like he just ran a marathon, smacking his lips, and lapping up gallons of water with his massive tongue at the beginning. Someone brought their horse sized dog.
And I got tremors, as expected, but not full on dissociation like in Youngstown. An improvement.
Awwwh you did great at the Youngstown reading!!!!
My performance could have been better if I had some beta blockers. The reaction in Youngstown was excellent. Natural laughs feel nice, even during dissociation.
Like old times. Forward plot with dialog at your own peril...
Well my latest short story doesn't further any plot with dialogue so maybe I'm learning.
Thanks for sharing this piece with everyone John, I’m going to love the revised version even more.
Thanks for doing this Chuck, it’s always helpful to see analysis in context as we stumble around trying to get better.
In workshop it's always less painful to learn from other folks' missteps.
I try to learn from other people mistakes but sometimes it takes something a bit more embarrassing to drive the point home for other short comings. Craig, Matt, And John have all helped me out quite a bit with workshopping as did, Suzy's crew, Monica, and your Portland workshop. The Gloves Off are a nice deep dive educational device that I can refer back too.
I feel like the gloves off post have also taught me to be a better at critiquing others stories (hopefully.)
I wish you'd been there recently when Josh explained a medico backstory about chicken pox. Stunning, but no one grasped it. You would've loved it.
I miss all of you too. Ha, yes I would have enjoyed it. I could have told him how we had to use strict isolation and herpes medication to quell and outbreak on chickpox on my ship. Adult chicken pox is no joke.
It really isn’t. In my early 20s I got shingles in my eye. Luckily it only took the eye doctor FOUR WEEKS to figure it out and treat me. I was living in Chicago at the time and at one point it was like walking around with a white sheet over the right side of my face. Try crossing the State Street with one eyeball. 👁️
Gosh only 4 weeks. Well I am glad you aren't a cyclops anymore.
That’s why I always read first…
And I’m happy to volunteer something for review if you’re looking for more submissions.
I second this nomination!
I third this nomination. I learn a lot from Craig's mistakes. I bet others will too
I truly do make some of the greatest mistakes
Sweeeet
Share a link!
Painful lessons stick.
Stumbling around in the dark has been working pretty well for us the past 2 years.
Chuck, we meet every Sunday at 8am PST for readings/critique if you want to save some typing, and give Craig feedback face to face.
I’m so happy to see another gloves off post. I’m even happier to see that it’s John’s story.
Thank you both.
“It’s about keeping limited elements present but morphing them.”
Thanks John for putting your story on Chuck’s chopping block!
Been waiting years for this. Appreciate you, Chuck.
Credit goes to Matt, Sean and Craig if I got anything write.
Was reading this same story to a crowd when this was posted. Nice little synchronicity.
That open! We've all eaten or encountered orange cheese snacks. Every human that's had them can smell them via memory, feel the second-hand grease, hear themselves cursing when they accidentally come in contact. On kid's toys, especially. Awesome.
Note that every time you juxtapose finger-food and filth, you get a win. When I first workshopped the scene in 'Snuff' where guys are eating from the craft services buffet while flogging their junk... ah, I can still hear the groan of disgust from my fellow writers.
Telling my wife "this is a great book" was easy. Getting her to stop grimacing and shaking her head as I described what I'd read that day, well.
The grimace is always an endorsement. "You're going in the right direction!"
A sign of authenticity, incarnate?
Hey John! What a treat to see your story up here! I was fascinated by the part where the narrator talks about actors and how they have tells, and I wondered what the narrator's tell is. Did it have to do with his neck? And I'm very curious about the relationship between the narrator and the mother/daughter. Would love to see some more clues that hint at why he is onto them in the first place. That splash of orange you threw in at the beginning is great; give us more. Nice work!
Appreciate you.
I took your advice.
Also, I wrote this right before I had to threaten to contact an investigative reporter on a storage facility who did me dirty, which is weird.
that is weird! I'll check out your revision this eve :)
John, congratulations on a great story. When I got to the end, I went back to read the part about the mama whale eating the little fish because I didn't remember whether it said eating a little whale or a little fish - it certainly felt like the mama whale was eating its own.
This terrifies me, and further encourages me.
I’ll just be over here watching someone else enjoy their public flogging, wishing it was me.
Though I do think this type of feedback will help me return to stories I’ve written and make them better…
I actually wrote the actor authority paragraph as "ask any actor" in the first draft, but changed it in revision because I wanted to make sure that the reader understood the narrator's authority on reading nonverbal cues. But it works just as well in second person. Second guessing myself never does me any favors.
I will cut some elements, further unpack, morph what's left, and keep it under 1000 words.
The smoke alarm is an A+ detail that I should have thought of. Also should have recognized the usefulness of the orange fingers.
I got the "maroney" sticker wrong on purpose. And hoped that the MPG details help people put it together when they don't know the name of it.
Dammit. I missed that passive sentence at the end.
Hitting on the neck twice at the end is a brilliant idea.
Thanks again!
Revised. 1000 words on the money. Was scared I was going to have to cut the proxy stuff out of there to make it. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1O5UA7FcB27gZb9iQW8A810n8chTNo4xCLZ0566HTSww/edit?usp=sharing
That must be a Gloves Off revising record!
It helps when its only 1000 words. But I did go over it 3 times yesterday.
You. Are. The. Best. Editor.
I feel extra fancy since you stopped by too.
Good job, John.
So helpful advices. Thank you, Chuck!
"Whale eating a little fish" - really good symbol. A little of spoiler, a lot of tension.
"brow dives down onto her nose" - just thumb up, thank you, John!