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Yes, this is in very questionable taste, but consider the source...

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Jeffrey Dahmer. Cannibalism is the highest form of flattery.

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Jack the Ripper, because then I’d be a pretty destitute lady instead of an ugly destitute man.

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The Zodiac Killer because I’d become part of an ongoing mystery. That, and I’d be played by someone in a David Fincher film.

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Apr 17, 2022·edited Apr 17, 2022

It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.

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Freddy from Dream Warriors. Specifically that film. He had an imaginative bloodlust, and I’d like to be a part of that.

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Jack the Ripper. You'd be remembered every evening (weather permitting) during those Whitechapel walking tours.

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Apr 17, 2022·edited Apr 17, 2022

H.H Holmes (A.K.A Herman Webster Mudgett). Purely because if you're gonna be the victim of a serial killer, it may as well be one with some outside-of-the-box thinking and engineering skills. Also, he'd probably sell my skeleton to a medical school, so the future of medicine benefits from my grisly demise!

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Apr 17, 2022·edited Apr 17, 2022

I'd go with either the Zodiac killer because people would be left puzzling over your death which would grant you a kind of immortality,

Or

Ted Kaczynski because... I'm not sure I should say why, could get me in trouble.

EDIT: let's say, because Ted K showed strong academic writing ability.

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My fictional choice is Patrick Bateman. I want to go out listening to Huey Lewis and the News’ ‘Hip to be Square’.

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Apr 17, 2022Liked by Chuck Palahniuk

In keeping with the spirit of the holidays and the "edginess" of this post, I'm going to say God. How many people does God smite in the bible? So I'm ready for God to take me whenever s/he wants, maybe in an innovative way like having a sheet of glass decapitate me on my way to a sushi lunch (actual incident in my city).

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The Zodiac Killer... Can't deny I can see something interesting when it comes to the the focus on detail, symbolism, storytelling and mystery...

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Oh wow! What a question…

Harold Shipman. On the basis that if it was him then it would mean I’d have lived a while longer, and not to downplay how awful he was at least going by injection wouldn’t be brutal and would hopefully be fast.

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Well, if I really had to choose, Harold shipman (UK serial killer), because it would be serial killer death administered by a GP, so hopefully painless and blissfully unaware of what's going on.

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If I had to choose I would chose to be killed by the unabomber. Now, I know a lot of people don’t believe that he is a serial killer, but I disagree. He killed multiple people in succession over the course of decades and wasn’t discovered until the mid 90’s. Though his method of killing is considered terrorism, distance doesn’t make it different to me. To be targeted by him meant a lot. You were in high academic esteem, as well as directly opposed to his ideology of anarchism such that you stuck in his head. The man thought enough about me to build a bomb to blow me up. (Chuck you’re making me sing the praises of a killer. Jeez.)

Just one day, I’m going outside to get my mail and let my dog shit there’s a package for me wrapped in brown paper. While Loki shits there’s a bright flash and everything goes black. It’d be a fitting end to all the existential worry I’ve experienced over the years. I gather one day I just won’t. Won’t what? Just won’t anything. Gone. Thanks unabomber.

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Apr 17, 2022·edited Apr 17, 2022

Jane Toppan, because women just don't get enough notoriety in that field. Perhaps if I could help increase her numbers, people would give the ladies of the industry some credit. Plus, she was known as "Jolly Jane" and the idea of being murdered by a Santa-like person feels somehow more palatable.

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Jack the Ripper. I'm into dressing up.

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Does ideology count?

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Apr 17, 2022·edited Apr 17, 2022Liked by Chuck Palahniuk

Leonarda Cianciulli. She killed women and used their bodies to make soap & cake, and gave them as gifts to neighbors. I like the bit of family-lore that I would be a part of forever for anyone who was gifted some of the soap. Maybe I'd still be in a closet somewhere, wrapped in tissue paper and kept in a tin, passed down for generations because everyone is too afraid to throw away the ghost soap

Edit to add: she thought these "human sacrifices" would protect her son, and if I get to choose my disturbed murder, I choose the lady who did it for a "good" albeit flawed reason

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Vlad the Impaler because I can brag about being killed by the person that inspired Dracula while doing a pretty good impression of a shish kebab.

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Gotta go with Don Pollock's Sandy Henderson and Carl Henderson from the novel/film Devil All The Time. That way you go out with a serious bang.

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Gustave, The Man Eating Crocodile.

Why? Because by including an animal I’m adding flavor to both this list and said animal’s tastebuds.

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Sam Little. Admitted to killing 93 people. He’s slowly releasing painted portraits of victims from his cell after the FBI asked him to do so in a bid to bring closure to loved ones. I’d be immortalized if identified or an enigma if not. Either way, I’d be remembered

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Rodney Alcala, winner of the Dating Game and described as “a killing machine”. But more importantly, before he killed them, he took pictures of his victims. (Not that I want a selfie with the creep) This way, in lieu of a body, there’s proof that most likely I was one of his victims. For my family and my 15 minutes.

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Apr 17, 2022·edited Apr 17, 2022

Lizzie Borden. It was a hundred years (approx) before the guilty except insanity plea. I'd have a conversation, right before she axed me, to look for clues on whether she had capacity at the time of her other crime(s), and moments before my last gurgling breath, I will carry an opinion she did experience a mental defect at the moment she swung those axes and should have spent her life locked in a lunatic asylum. And, of course, who doesn't love this rhyme: Lizzie Borden took an axe -- and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one. Andrew Borden now is dead, Lizzie hit him on the head. Up in heaven he will sing, on the gallows she will swing.

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Has anyone said Aileen Wuornos? She was a sex worker who killed some of her clients. So I figure if she killed me while we're at it, "La petite mort" won't be so little. And you know what, a woman brought me into this world, so there's something beautifully circular about a woman taking me out. Aileen Wuornos.

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H H Holmes.... Why... Because I always wanted to see a "castle".

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Okay this was a hard one. Rapists are out. With cannibals, you want to know how well they cook. And a murder house is probably less fun for the murderee. Ultimately, I have to go with Burke and Hare (assuming duos are allowed). It's like donating your body to science, but with a hiccup in the timing.

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Earle Nelson. Necrophiliac. I like the idea of getting more sex when dead than when I was alive.

Happy Easter!

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Lol.

For me, yes, it’d have to be one of the trophy-keepers. But not Dahmer, because I wouldn’t want my last moments to be as a bleach-brain sex zombie; numbed and unaware of pain. I’d much prefer the most intense torture; a reminder I’m flesh with nerves and alive, so very much alive before I die.

Why would I want a piece of me kept for a trophy? 1) When caught, my remains could help convict my killer. 2) when caught, my remains could confirm my death for grieving family and give some closure. 3) Subscribing to the idea popularized in the Jensen Ackles and Jared Padelicki TV show, Supernatural, that ghosts are limited to haunt places only where their remains lie, I’d hope I could haunt and terrorize my tormentor after death.

Why not numb when tortured? So much of my life is numbing - Netflix, headphones, jerking off, etc. It’d be nice to have a death that’s intense, super-present, and drawn-out.

Ed Gein seems like the most likely preferred killer - EXCEPT his victim’s remains ran the gamut of twisted reduce/reuse/recycle. So, obviously who wouldn’t be happy to have their face used to make something cool like a lampshade? But what if my face was the inside of a wastebasket? Gein’s victims’ remains end up with too many variables, not all of them awesome.

So, for me, I think it’d have to be John Wayne Gacy, Jr. 1) the remains are there under the floorboards. So my bones could help convict, be given to family members for closure, and maybe let me haunt him. 2) while he did intoxicate/drug his victims initially, after they were handcuffed, his torture “tricks” lasted for far too long 3) he’s my favorite Sufjan Stevens song!

I can’t say I grasp all the theological implications Sufjan is singing about in his closing lyrics:

“And in my best behavior

I am really just like him

Look beneath the floor boards

For the secrets I have hid”

But horrifyingly, I feel they’re true; and they keep me humble. So, if my death could become a part of the song that helps to keep a check on my self-righteousness and arrogance? Wow. That’s how I would want to be killed.

So for me?

It’s got to be John Wayne Gacy, Jr.

1) kept a keepsake/my remains

2) dragged out the death

3) inspired one of my favorite songs*

*note that while I love Sufjan’s song, if I could magically save all his victims, I would happily not have it in my life.

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Edmund Kemper. I have a thing for men with mommy issues, so it just feels fitting.

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I’m going with Ed Gein, as I have decent skin and would actually make a lovely lampshade.

Unless Lizzie Borden counts, since I would love to have my murder chanted about by jump-roping children.

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Can we write two of them?

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Hello darkness my old friend.

Jeffrey Dahmer. Why? I'll atleast have fucked up sex before my last breath. And I'll continue to have my anus wrecked long after i die. Bad situarion. No one wins here.

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Apr 17, 2022·edited Apr 17, 2022

HH Holmes I suppose, just because experiencing the late 1800s firsthand would be fascinating, and then you’d spend your last few earthly days in a “castle”.

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Considering death always comes too soon no matter your age.

I'll argue The grim reaper is the greatest serial killer. Beating me in a die or live heads up poker game, playing with tarot cards instead. A fitting end.

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I don't know what this says about me but I'm really enjoying the responses here.

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Huh.....................John Wayne Gacy because he would realize I only sound like a young boy and not actually one and change his mind and I won't die.............

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Ed Gein… I wouldn’t mind being a keychain or lamp shade.

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Ted Kaczynski. Why? What can I say I love getting surprise packages in the mail and I always wanted to go out with a bang 😉!

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John Allen Muhammad, the DC sniper. That way I'd never see it coming, and if it was a good enough shot, it'd likely be painless. One minute I'd be filling my gas tank, looking at the price and saying, "Just kill me now."

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Wait I got a good one only cuz I was in the elevator with him 9 months pregnant......no lie. Connecticut's Michael Ross and I did name that kid Michael.......I win don't I. How can I not lol

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Robert C. Hansen would transport his victims to a remote area in Alaska, release them, and then hunt them like game. If he was ultimately successful, at least he had to earn it (though, as a seasoned hunter, he had significant advantages over his poor victims). I would much rather know the rules of his "game" and participate with a slight chance of survival, then to be blindsided by a violent end.

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Dahmer. When we’re eating fried chicken, we all have something in common with the man. We all think the skin is the best part.

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I value being a regular nobody. I hate the idea of fame, even after I die. So, for this reason my fictional killer would be Dexter. Getting thrown in deep sea where no one will find me. A regular silent rest. I like that.

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George Joseph Smith, an English serial killer who liked to drown his wives in the bathtub. His victims became known as The Brides In The Bath'. At the time of his trial, they only had solid evidence to go for one count of murder. However this was the first time they re-enacted the murder style to prove a link to the other victims. If they hadn't, then he wouldn't have been deemed a serial killer (you need three or more victims). So GJS was something of an inadvertent trendsetter.

When trying to recreate the way the murders happened, they discovered death would have been via a sudden loss of consciousness followed by drowning. No blunt force, no sexual violence, no mutilation and trophy taking, just instant death. As someone who has paracetamol in their bag at all times just in case I get a headache, this seems like a murder I could get on board with.

The motive was to cash in on life insurance policies and I like the idea of Smith toddling down to the bank only to be greeted by my account that's as red as a sunburnt strawberry.

Finally, I'm distantly related to one of George Joseph Smith's victims and honestly, I think the synchronicity of it would be just too delicious.

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