If you had to be killed by a known serial killer, which one would it be? And why? This is just a topic to discuss here, don’t launch it over Easter dinner. Maybe toss it out at Thanksgiving. I’ll run this all week with prizes going to the top three arguments.
I feel like I'd have made a great lampshade, sew some beads onto my face to hide the wrinkles, long straight black hair makes for lovely fringe (just don't get it wet it's naturally curly.) My nose & septum ring would make the perfect turnkey, on/off switch and he could change the jewelry out whenever he wanted.
I grew up in Solano County, CA. And so I heard about Zodiac quite a bit - especially the so-called "Zodiac Shack." People would party there fairly often - I never attended. 🤣
ohh...forget about my comment then,the bride is obviously fictional, then there will be no one we "chose", fictional or real world, in our imagination about life and death, the creativity of the phenomenal abstraction is needed to explore this theme.
Definition of know: be aware of through observation, inquiry, or information. I observed a film, as did others, wherein a fictional serial killer know as Freddy diced some people up. Words are powerful. You live within the words that you think Chuck chose for this competition if you like. I choose my own reality. Thanks.
H.H Holmes (A.K.A Herman Webster Mudgett). Purely because if you're gonna be the victim of a serial killer, it may as well be one with some outside-of-the-box thinking and engineering skills. Also, he'd probably sell my skeleton to a medical school, so the future of medicine benefits from my grisly demise!
In keeping with the spirit of the holidays and the "edginess" of this post, I'm going to say God. How many people does God smite in the bible? So I'm ready for God to take me whenever s/he wants, maybe in an innovative way like having a sheet of glass decapitate me on my way to a sushi lunch (actual incident in my city).
Wow, I never would have thought of God as a serial killer. But I can see your point. He did end up killing countless people in the Bible. Especially with the whole flood thing.
I'm just giving credit where credit is due! haha Passover.. celebrating the death of hordes of Egyptians. Whoopee! ;) And if you think about it, one can argue that God takes *everyone's* life. You can't beat that!
Wow, you are kinda right. You have the ultimate answer. The only way a lesser serial killer can actually get a kill...is if God allows it. He takes all their kills.
Yep. And don’t forget that God killed children! A good friend of mine went to a private Catholic school. In grade school during the lesson on the plague he asked the teacher why God killed kids. They sent him home and his dad had to talk to the principal. His father was so bothered by his son’s question and the response from the administration that he left the church and pulled his kid from the school. No more Catholicism after that.
haha Maybe I'm just steaming because so many restaurants are shut due to Passover, Ramadan and the like ;) It makes an interesting twist on the contest.
Plus I am a self-avowed hypocrite because my first post of the day said that I would be desisting from contests! haha
I tried.. haha
Thanks for your support. I bombed in the last one, but I guess I'm not ready for my "greener pastures" just yet haha
Why, thank you! Ever have Passover fall on your birthday? I didn't think so haha I've been waiting until this very day to exact my revenge! hahaha
Plus I was invited to an Easter celebration today but it was cancelled at the last minute due to a suspected COVID case.
So I was ripe to launch my infidel remark. Not that it reflects my actual beliefs.... ;)
Hope your travels are going well. Happy Easter! I love this time of year. Everything is being reborn, even my participation in this blog/contests (I took a little break).
I'm hoping the break was everything you needed and I know it's a challenge being yourself every single day but I admire you because you stand your ground. Welcome back :)
Thanks. That's very kind of you. I just needed to reconnect with my regular life/friends more (because let's face it, here can be somewhat addictive, especially when it comes to contests) plus work has gotten very busy so my leisure time is more limited.
Now I'm trying to strike a balance. If Chuck notices my absence, it wouldn't be right if I just dropped the blog like a "hot potato latke" haha
I always forget there is an actual prize at stake and that this is a contest 😂 I feel like I've already won just knowing I could drive a few hours to study hall (if I drove) or submit writing for critique (if I ever mustered up the testicular fortitude.) I'm just genuinely enjoying the topics and discussion here, on any given post. Happy Easter to you!
I feel like monarchs, rulers, and oligarchs also fit a similar thread. How many folks have died in the name of the industrial revolution or in wars lead by rich leaders who don't ever fight in them.
Harold Shipman. On the basis that if it was him then it would mean I’d have lived a while longer, and not to downplay how awful he was at least going by injection wouldn’t be brutal and would hopefully be fast.
Also goes without saying that I wouldn’t want to be raped, mutilated, never found again or have family killed at the same time! So further reasons for picking…
My friend nearly bought Shipman's old house not so long ago. In the end, he went for another house, but he did take a photo of himself sitting on Shipman's toilet.
Was it discounted, was it well known to be his house or did the estate agents tell them? I wonder how many houses get left - when you have others demolished (Fred & Rose West’s, Brady & Hindley’s and Ian Huntley’s etc)
I believe it was well known, but not where he was last living when arrested. I believe the estate agents told my friend about the history when he went to look around and that Shipman had lived there for 10 years.
Well, if I really had to choose, Harold shipman (UK serial killer), because it would be serial killer death administered by a GP, so hopefully painless and blissfully unaware of what's going on.
If I had to choose I would chose to be killed by the unabomber. Now, I know a lot of people don’t believe that he is a serial killer, but I disagree. He killed multiple people in succession over the course of decades and wasn’t discovered until the mid 90’s. Though his method of killing is considered terrorism, distance doesn’t make it different to me. To be targeted by him meant a lot. You were in high academic esteem, as well as directly opposed to his ideology of anarchism such that you stuck in his head. The man thought enough about me to build a bomb to blow me up. (Chuck you’re making me sing the praises of a killer. Jeez.)
Just one day, I’m going outside to get my mail and let my dog shit there’s a package for me wrapped in brown paper. While Loki shits there’s a bright flash and everything goes black. It’d be a fitting end to all the existential worry I’ve experienced over the years. I gather one day I just won’t. Won’t what? Just won’t anything. Gone. Thanks unabomber.
Jane Toppan, because women just don't get enough notoriety in that field. Perhaps if I could help increase her numbers, people would give the ladies of the industry some credit. Plus, she was known as "Jolly Jane" and the idea of being murdered by a Santa-like person feels somehow more palatable.
I was going to suggest Aileen Wuornos for the same reason - giving women serial killers their due. I mean, I end up dead in this scenario but maybe I'd be unsuspecting until the very last minutes. Plus she shot her victims, so bonus for a relatively quick death.
Shoutout to Belle Gunness, too. Her victims were mostly deluded by promises of companionship.
I've always suspected there's many more female serial killers - they're just perhaps more subtle that they don't get caught. Either way, I dig the idea of...what could we call it....extreme feminism? A sacrifice with the intent of elevating females in male-dominated industries.
Apr 17, 2022·edited Apr 17, 2022Liked by Chuck Palahniuk
Leonarda Cianciulli. She killed women and used their bodies to make soap & cake, and gave them as gifts to neighbors. I like the bit of family-lore that I would be a part of forever for anyone who was gifted some of the soap. Maybe I'd still be in a closet somewhere, wrapped in tissue paper and kept in a tin, passed down for generations because everyone is too afraid to throw away the ghost soap
Edit to add: she thought these "human sacrifices" would protect her son, and if I get to choose my disturbed murder, I choose the lady who did it for a "good" albeit flawed reason
Tea cakes! The cake part was normal. She would dry out the victim's blood in the oven, and grind it up with butter/flour/etc to make frosting for the tea cakes
If the Romans had impaled Jesus rather than crucifying him, we would not be making the sign of the cross in church, we would be giving each other the finger.
Sam Little. Admitted to killing 93 people. He’s slowly releasing painted portraits of victims from his cell after the FBI asked him to do so in a bid to bring closure to loved ones. I’d be immortalized if identified or an enigma if not. Either way, I’d be remembered
Rodney Alcala, winner of the Dating Game and described as “a killing machine”. But more importantly, before he killed them, he took pictures of his victims. (Not that I want a selfie with the creep) This way, in lieu of a body, there’s proof that most likely I was one of his victims. For my family and my 15 minutes.
Which is crazy because Bundy in the context of just being a white dude is just "not ugly" but when Zac Efron plays him his heartthrob status jumps to an 11.
Lizzie Borden. It was a hundred years (approx) before the guilty except insanity plea. I'd have a conversation, right before she axed me, to look for clues on whether she had capacity at the time of her other crime(s), and moments before my last gurgling breath, I will carry an opinion she did experience a mental defect at the moment she swung those axes and should have spent her life locked in a lunatic asylum. And, of course, who doesn't love this rhyme: Lizzie Borden took an axe -- and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one. Andrew Borden now is dead, Lizzie hit him on the head. Up in heaven he will sing, on the gallows she will swing.
Has anyone said Aileen Wuornos? She was a sex worker who killed some of her clients. So I figure if she killed me while we're at it, "La petite mort" won't be so little. And you know what, a woman brought me into this world, so there's something beautifully circular about a woman taking me out. Aileen Wuornos.
Okay this was a hard one. Rapists are out. With cannibals, you want to know how well they cook. And a murder house is probably less fun for the murderee. Ultimately, I have to go with Burke and Hare (assuming duos are allowed). It's like donating your body to science, but with a hiccup in the timing.
For me, yes, it’d have to be one of the trophy-keepers. But not Dahmer, because I wouldn’t want my last moments to be as a bleach-brain sex zombie; numbed and unaware of pain. I’d much prefer the most intense torture; a reminder I’m flesh with nerves and alive, so very much alive before I die.
Why would I want a piece of me kept for a trophy? 1) When caught, my remains could help convict my killer. 2) when caught, my remains could confirm my death for grieving family and give some closure. 3) Subscribing to the idea popularized in the Jensen Ackles and Jared Padelicki TV show, Supernatural, that ghosts are limited to haunt places only where their remains lie, I’d hope I could haunt and terrorize my tormentor after death.
Why not numb when tortured? So much of my life is numbing - Netflix, headphones, jerking off, etc. It’d be nice to have a death that’s intense, super-present, and drawn-out.
Ed Gein seems like the most likely preferred killer - EXCEPT his victim’s remains ran the gamut of twisted reduce/reuse/recycle. So, obviously who wouldn’t be happy to have their face used to make something cool like a lampshade? But what if my face was the inside of a wastebasket? Gein’s victims’ remains end up with too many variables, not all of them awesome.
So, for me, I think it’d have to be John Wayne Gacy, Jr. 1) the remains are there under the floorboards. So my bones could help convict, be given to family members for closure, and maybe let me haunt him. 2) while he did intoxicate/drug his victims initially, after they were handcuffed, his torture “tricks” lasted for far too long 3) he’s my favorite Sufjan Stevens song!
I can’t say I grasp all the theological implications Sufjan is singing about in his closing lyrics:
“And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floor boards
For the secrets I have hid”
But horrifyingly, I feel they’re true; and they keep me humble. So, if my death could become a part of the song that helps to keep a check on my self-righteousness and arrogance? Wow. That’s how I would want to be killed.
So for me?
It’s got to be John Wayne Gacy, Jr.
1) kept a keepsake/my remains
2) dragged out the death
3) inspired one of my favorite songs*
*note that while I love Sufjan’s song, if I could magically save all his victims, I would happily not have it in my life.
I imagine if your last moments are drawn out and horrible, then the memories of the rest of your life, even your lowest moments, well, they must seem wonderful in comparison.
Granted, no doubt I’m imagining myself to be braver than I am, but if I get to hypothetical which serial killer would kill me, can’t I also hypothetical the best idea I have of myself being the me that’s killed?
Jeffrey Dahmer. Why? I'll atleast have fucked up sex before my last breath. And I'll continue to have my anus wrecked long after i die. Bad situarion. No one wins here.
Prime example; the God we know is the gnarliest of them all. Grim Reaper's been doing his cleaning since forever. But, maybe, also just an allegation, he was never caught on tape, and no hard evidence.
HH Holmes I suppose, just because experiencing the late 1800s firsthand would be fascinating, and then you’d spend your last few earthly days in a “castle”.
Considering death always comes too soon no matter your age.
I'll argue The grim reaper is the greatest serial killer. Beating me in a die or live heads up poker game, playing with tarot cards instead. A fitting end.
Huh.....................John Wayne Gacy because he would realize I only sound like a young boy and not actually one and change his mind and I won't die.............
John Allen Muhammad, the DC sniper. That way I'd never see it coming, and if it was a good enough shot, it'd likely be painless. One minute I'd be filling my gas tank, looking at the price and saying, "Just kill me now."
Wait I got a good one only cuz I was in the elevator with him 9 months pregnant......no lie. Connecticut's Michael Ross and I did name that kid Michael.......I win don't I. How can I not lol
Thanks........I actually had no idea. I went to St Francis Hospital because they called to tell me there was an issue with my ultrasound and had to do another cuz it appeared my baby was too big.......he was 10 10. My Godmother took me and I'm from Hartford and paid no attention to the man in shackles covered in a sheet with armed guards flanking him. Its a hospital, you see shit and they just told me my kid was way too big to come out my hoo ha. My Godmother clutched me white, shaking, visibly upset and I'll never forget her "Do you know who that was?" I remembered laughing at the fucking irony because I had planned my firstborns name for 4 years........but I almost only renamed him Cobain cuz Kurt Cobain commuted suicide days before.........my Mom twisted my arm and stopped that from happening lol
I was just looking for something to watch................ty................kind of weird I know everything bout Ted Bundy but not much about the guy in my backyard lol.
Oh wow watching it.......if I tell you that my son's last name translates into Chicken Farmer will I get double the prize lol..........and I had no idea.........almost too weird but when has my life been anything but?
Robert C. Hansen would transport his victims to a remote area in Alaska, release them, and then hunt them like game. If he was ultimately successful, at least he had to earn it (though, as a seasoned hunter, he had significant advantages over his poor victims). I would much rather know the rules of his "game" and participate with a slight chance of survival, then to be blindsided by a violent end.
And me.......you sexy beast........just nibble that piece of skin to your left where I thought it was cool to tattoo my own name on my arm. Yeah it's faded Tommy Hilfiger colors too. Take the whole arm lol .....
I value being a regular nobody. I hate the idea of fame, even after I die. So, for this reason my fictional killer would be Dexter. Getting thrown in deep sea where no one will find me. A regular silent rest. I like that.
George Joseph Smith, an English serial killer who liked to drown his wives in the bathtub. His victims became known as The Brides In The Bath'. At the time of his trial, they only had solid evidence to go for one count of murder. However this was the first time they re-enacted the murder style to prove a link to the other victims. If they hadn't, then he wouldn't have been deemed a serial killer (you need three or more victims). So GJS was something of an inadvertent trendsetter.
When trying to recreate the way the murders happened, they discovered death would have been via a sudden loss of consciousness followed by drowning. No blunt force, no sexual violence, no mutilation and trophy taking, just instant death. As someone who has paracetamol in their bag at all times just in case I get a headache, this seems like a murder I could get on board with.
The motive was to cash in on life insurance policies and I like the idea of Smith toddling down to the bank only to be greeted by my account that's as red as a sunburnt strawberry.
Finally, I'm distantly related to one of George Joseph Smith's victims and honestly, I think the synchronicity of it would be just too delicious.
Heretic!
“How many communion wafers do you have to eat before you’ve eaten an entire Jesus?”
- Jeffrey Dahmer
Holy balls...
Weird. I didn't delete it. Did you?
If I play this one I'll be served with divorce papers.
I feel like I'd have made a great lampshade, sew some beads onto my face to hide the wrinkles, long straight black hair makes for lovely fringe (just don't get it wet it's naturally curly.) My nose & septum ring would make the perfect turnkey, on/off switch and he could change the jewelry out whenever he wanted.
If the shoe fits, I have to go sometime 😂
That would any of the so-called 'angel of death' nurses.
Yes, this is in very questionable taste, but consider the source...
Three or more.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Questionable Taste". Anyone who paid money to be here oughta know what they got themselves into.
Jeffrey Dahmer. Cannibalism is the highest form of flattery.
Words to live by.
If you were delectable it wouldnt be a leap.
Confession: I stole the latter from a friend. Learned from the best.
While I’m not his type, I agree.
Trudat
I'd never eaten dog before and I didn't intend to start now. "No, thanks," I said. "But I wouldn't mind another helping of that co-pilot."
Plot twist: the copilot was patient zero that caused a prion pandemic.
Jack the Ripper, because then I’d be a pretty destitute lady instead of an ugly destitute man.
you'd be in Alan Moore's From Hell but also in its shitty movie adaptation. Ah!
I’d be hot ánd in a movie?! Stop selling me on this idea, Dave.
The Zodiac Killer because I’d become part of an ongoing mystery. That, and I’d be played by someone in a David Fincher film.
Damn, beat me to it
In the spirt of Easter joy, we can both be victims of the Zodiac. Everyone’s a winner/corpse!
I grew up in Solano County, CA. And so I heard about Zodiac quite a bit - especially the so-called "Zodiac Shack." People would party there fairly often - I never attended. 🤣
It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.
Freddy from Dream Warriors. Specifically that film. He had an imaginative bloodlust, and I’d like to be a part of that.
Classic film though I didn't know we were including fictional killers.
Yeah. Sorry.
ohh...forget about my comment then,the bride is obviously fictional, then there will be no one we "chose", fictional or real world, in our imagination about life and death, the creativity of the phenomenal abstraction is needed to explore this theme.
Man— didn’t know that was an option!! But, I’ll stand by mine. Real life is terrifying enough.
I don’t like real serial killers much, and if it doesn’t specify in the rules….
I think "killed by a known serial killer" implies an actual person.
Definition of know: be aware of through observation, inquiry, or information. I observed a film, as did others, wherein a fictional serial killer know as Freddy diced some people up. Words are powerful. You live within the words that you think Chuck chose for this competition if you like. I choose my own reality. Thanks.
Jack the Ripper. You'd be remembered every evening (weather permitting) during those Whitechapel walking tours.
H.H Holmes (A.K.A Herman Webster Mudgett). Purely because if you're gonna be the victim of a serial killer, it may as well be one with some outside-of-the-box thinking and engineering skills. Also, he'd probably sell my skeleton to a medical school, so the future of medicine benefits from my grisly demise!
I like your thinking of how your death could help others!
I'd go with either the Zodiac killer because people would be left puzzling over your death which would grant you a kind of immortality,
Or
Ted Kaczynski because... I'm not sure I should say why, could get me in trouble.
EDIT: let's say, because Ted K showed strong academic writing ability.
I don't think genocidal politicians count.
I'm no expert but I think he did have that mindset.
If genocide counts I’d like to change my entry to either G.W. Bush, Barack Obama or whoever made the Armenians walk ‘til death.
Well, the premise is certainly something I lose sleep over
Ach! You got to him before me....
My fictional choice is Patrick Bateman. I want to go out listening to Huey Lewis and the News’ ‘Hip to be Square’.
That can be arranged... jk happy easter.
In keeping with the spirit of the holidays and the "edginess" of this post, I'm going to say God. How many people does God smite in the bible? So I'm ready for God to take me whenever s/he wants, maybe in an innovative way like having a sheet of glass decapitate me on my way to a sushi lunch (actual incident in my city).
Beat me to it.
I guess my "divine inspiration" kicked in slightly before yours! ;)
Happy Easter!
You hit a very good point with this one.
Wow, I never would have thought of God as a serial killer. But I can see your point. He did end up killing countless people in the Bible. Especially with the whole flood thing.
I'm just giving credit where credit is due! haha Passover.. celebrating the death of hordes of Egyptians. Whoopee! ;) And if you think about it, one can argue that God takes *everyone's* life. You can't beat that!
Wow, you are kinda right. You have the ultimate answer. The only way a lesser serial killer can actually get a kill...is if God allows it. He takes all their kills.
YOU ARE BIG BRAIN!
I just needed a little break, I guess :)
Grazie. On the down side, I'm going to hell now for sure! haha
Yep. And don’t forget that God killed children! A good friend of mine went to a private Catholic school. In grade school during the lesson on the plague he asked the teacher why God killed kids. They sent him home and his dad had to talk to the principal. His father was so bothered by his son’s question and the response from the administration that he left the church and pulled his kid from the school. No more Catholicism after that.
I guess I'm being a bit of a "smite ass", but Chuck "egged" me on today!
Love this
Good thing there can be 3 winners.....I was eating a canary I'm so genius until I read you lol
Winner winner ham dinner, in my opinion anyway. He's escalating, devolving, and still has a cult following.
haha Maybe I'm just steaming because so many restaurants are shut due to Passover, Ramadan and the like ;) It makes an interesting twist on the contest.
Plus I am a self-avowed hypocrite because my first post of the day said that I would be desisting from contests! haha
I tried.. haha
Thanks for your support. I bombed in the last one, but I guess I'm not ready for my "greener pastures" just yet haha
Happy Easter!
Happy Easter hon. I swear I come here to see what you are going to say next. Always controversial but tasteful. This Catholic approves.
Why, thank you! Ever have Passover fall on your birthday? I didn't think so haha I've been waiting until this very day to exact my revenge! hahaha
Plus I was invited to an Easter celebration today but it was cancelled at the last minute due to a suspected COVID case.
So I was ripe to launch my infidel remark. Not that it reflects my actual beliefs.... ;)
Hope your travels are going well. Happy Easter! I love this time of year. Everything is being reborn, even my participation in this blog/contests (I took a little break).
I'm hoping the break was everything you needed and I know it's a challenge being yourself every single day but I admire you because you stand your ground. Welcome back :)
Thanks. That's very kind of you. I just needed to reconnect with my regular life/friends more (because let's face it, here can be somewhat addictive, especially when it comes to contests) plus work has gotten very busy so my leisure time is more limited.
Now I'm trying to strike a balance. If Chuck notices my absence, it wouldn't be right if I just dropped the blog like a "hot potato latke" haha
Keep well! Happy trails!
I always forget there is an actual prize at stake and that this is a contest 😂 I feel like I've already won just knowing I could drive a few hours to study hall (if I drove) or submit writing for critique (if I ever mustered up the testicular fortitude.) I'm just genuinely enjoying the topics and discussion here, on any given post. Happy Easter to you!
I feel like monarchs, rulers, and oligarchs also fit a similar thread. How many folks have died in the name of the industrial revolution or in wars lead by rich leaders who don't ever fight in them.
These days it's even a virus.
The war analogy is certainly applicable today too. 😔
They were more like Charles Manson then. They didn't actually do the deed though so not sure they count 🤔
Ah bollocks that's what I was going to say.
The Zodiac Killer... Can't deny I can see something interesting when it comes to the the focus on detail, symbolism, storytelling and mystery...
Oh wow! What a question…
Harold Shipman. On the basis that if it was him then it would mean I’d have lived a while longer, and not to downplay how awful he was at least going by injection wouldn’t be brutal and would hopefully be fast.
Also goes without saying that I wouldn’t want to be raped, mutilated, never found again or have family killed at the same time! So further reasons for picking…
My friend nearly bought Shipman's old house not so long ago. In the end, he went for another house, but he did take a photo of himself sitting on Shipman's toilet.
Was it discounted, was it well known to be his house or did the estate agents tell them? I wonder how many houses get left - when you have others demolished (Fred & Rose West’s, Brady & Hindley’s and Ian Huntley’s etc)
I believe it was well known, but not where he was last living when arrested. I believe the estate agents told my friend about the history when he went to look around and that Shipman had lived there for 10 years.
Well, if I really had to choose, Harold shipman (UK serial killer), because it would be serial killer death administered by a GP, so hopefully painless and blissfully unaware of what's going on.
If I had to choose I would chose to be killed by the unabomber. Now, I know a lot of people don’t believe that he is a serial killer, but I disagree. He killed multiple people in succession over the course of decades and wasn’t discovered until the mid 90’s. Though his method of killing is considered terrorism, distance doesn’t make it different to me. To be targeted by him meant a lot. You were in high academic esteem, as well as directly opposed to his ideology of anarchism such that you stuck in his head. The man thought enough about me to build a bomb to blow me up. (Chuck you’re making me sing the praises of a killer. Jeez.)
Just one day, I’m going outside to get my mail and let my dog shit there’s a package for me wrapped in brown paper. While Loki shits there’s a bright flash and everything goes black. It’d be a fitting end to all the existential worry I’ve experienced over the years. I gather one day I just won’t. Won’t what? Just won’t anything. Gone. Thanks unabomber.
Obligatory Loki update: https://twitter.com/finiteatticus/status/1515835991419932676?s=21&t=wNmMyGNrrJHkxu068y46Ug
Jane Toppan, because women just don't get enough notoriety in that field. Perhaps if I could help increase her numbers, people would give the ladies of the industry some credit. Plus, she was known as "Jolly Jane" and the idea of being murdered by a Santa-like person feels somehow more palatable.
Oooooh, I must look for a podcast now.
Here's one that goes in depth: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/jane-toppan-serial-killer/id1223807546?i=1000539165599
Not sure if you've ever caught it, but Lore is my go-to podcast of bedtime stories. Weird, wonderful, horrible and true.
I was going to suggest Aileen Wuornos for the same reason - giving women serial killers their due. I mean, I end up dead in this scenario but maybe I'd be unsuspecting until the very last minutes. Plus she shot her victims, so bonus for a relatively quick death.
Shoutout to Belle Gunness, too. Her victims were mostly deluded by promises of companionship.
https://www.kenoshanews.com/old-weird-america-takes-on-midwests-first-female-serial-killer/article_cb3b824b-c605-5e16-97ba-c7716af8536f.html
I've always suspected there's many more female serial killers - they're just perhaps more subtle that they don't get caught. Either way, I dig the idea of...what could we call it....extreme feminism? A sacrifice with the intent of elevating females in male-dominated industries.
There's a cult idea in there somewhere.
I have a theory that all those men who fell into retired wells during the early 1900’s were actually pushed by angry wives.
Shrink that whole murder gap thing.
Jack the Ripper. I'm into dressing up.
Does ideology count?
It's all your personal choice.
Well, in that case, may the ideologues grab their pitchforks, torches, smart devices and kill either my body or soul.
Leonarda Cianciulli. She killed women and used their bodies to make soap & cake, and gave them as gifts to neighbors. I like the bit of family-lore that I would be a part of forever for anyone who was gifted some of the soap. Maybe I'd still be in a closet somewhere, wrapped in tissue paper and kept in a tin, passed down for generations because everyone is too afraid to throw away the ghost soap
Edit to add: she thought these "human sacrifices" would protect her son, and if I get to choose my disturbed murder, I choose the lady who did it for a "good" albeit flawed reason
Love the concept of ghost soap. But also wondering what kind of cake she was making.
Tea cakes! The cake part was normal. She would dry out the victim's blood in the oven, and grind it up with butter/flour/etc to make frosting for the tea cakes
Oh wow.
"This cake is sure moist, but the icing has a bitter tinge to it. What is that?"
"A dash of old Aunt Elda."
Spooky!
Vlad the Impaler because I can brag about being killed by the person that inspired Dracula while doing a pretty good impression of a shish kebab.
I was gonna write a second answer and say Vlad. Wonder how long we'd survive impaled. Could be seconds, hours, or even days.
I’d try to lighten the mood by getting all of the other impaled to sing ‘Look on the Bright Side of Life’ with me.
It's gonna sound garbled with the spike poking out my mouth. And my tears, that's just me looking on the bright side of life haha
If the Romans had impaled Jesus rather than crucifying him, we would not be making the sign of the cross in church, we would be giving each other the finger.
Gotta go with Don Pollock's Sandy Henderson and Carl Henderson from the novel/film Devil All The Time. That way you go out with a serious bang.
Gustave, The Man Eating Crocodile.
Why? Because by including an animal I’m adding flavor to both this list and said animal’s tastebuds.
Sam Little. Admitted to killing 93 people. He’s slowly releasing painted portraits of victims from his cell after the FBI asked him to do so in a bid to bring closure to loved ones. I’d be immortalized if identified or an enigma if not. Either way, I’d be remembered
I picked a different guy but for the same reason lol
Rodney Alcala, winner of the Dating Game and described as “a killing machine”. But more importantly, before he killed them, he took pictures of his victims. (Not that I want a selfie with the creep) This way, in lieu of a body, there’s proof that most likely I was one of his victims. For my family and my 15 minutes.
Someone who left proof of you was also my reasoning.
Spooky, but he and Ted Bundy and Paul Knowles exemplify the hot serial killer.
Which is crazy because Bundy in the context of just being a white dude is just "not ugly" but when Zac Efron plays him his heartthrob status jumps to an 11.
Lizzie Borden. It was a hundred years (approx) before the guilty except insanity plea. I'd have a conversation, right before she axed me, to look for clues on whether she had capacity at the time of her other crime(s), and moments before my last gurgling breath, I will carry an opinion she did experience a mental defect at the moment she swung those axes and should have spent her life locked in a lunatic asylum. And, of course, who doesn't love this rhyme: Lizzie Borden took an axe -- and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one. Andrew Borden now is dead, Lizzie hit him on the head. Up in heaven he will sing, on the gallows she will swing.
I think it was her sister myself.
Lizzie Borden was my choice..beat me to it... Just because I'm a Masshole and she and I share a name (and maybe other traits?)
Has anyone said Aileen Wuornos? She was a sex worker who killed some of her clients. So I figure if she killed me while we're at it, "La petite mort" won't be so little. And you know what, a woman brought me into this world, so there's something beautifully circular about a woman taking me out. Aileen Wuornos.
Just get your happy ending first.
H H Holmes.... Why... Because I always wanted to see a "castle".
Okay this was a hard one. Rapists are out. With cannibals, you want to know how well they cook. And a murder house is probably less fun for the murderee. Ultimately, I have to go with Burke and Hare (assuming duos are allowed). It's like donating your body to science, but with a hiccup in the timing.
Earle Nelson. Necrophiliac. I like the idea of getting more sex when dead than when I was alive.
Happy Easter!
Lol.
For me, yes, it’d have to be one of the trophy-keepers. But not Dahmer, because I wouldn’t want my last moments to be as a bleach-brain sex zombie; numbed and unaware of pain. I’d much prefer the most intense torture; a reminder I’m flesh with nerves and alive, so very much alive before I die.
Why would I want a piece of me kept for a trophy? 1) When caught, my remains could help convict my killer. 2) when caught, my remains could confirm my death for grieving family and give some closure. 3) Subscribing to the idea popularized in the Jensen Ackles and Jared Padelicki TV show, Supernatural, that ghosts are limited to haunt places only where their remains lie, I’d hope I could haunt and terrorize my tormentor after death.
Why not numb when tortured? So much of my life is numbing - Netflix, headphones, jerking off, etc. It’d be nice to have a death that’s intense, super-present, and drawn-out.
Ed Gein seems like the most likely preferred killer - EXCEPT his victim’s remains ran the gamut of twisted reduce/reuse/recycle. So, obviously who wouldn’t be happy to have their face used to make something cool like a lampshade? But what if my face was the inside of a wastebasket? Gein’s victims’ remains end up with too many variables, not all of them awesome.
So, for me, I think it’d have to be John Wayne Gacy, Jr. 1) the remains are there under the floorboards. So my bones could help convict, be given to family members for closure, and maybe let me haunt him. 2) while he did intoxicate/drug his victims initially, after they were handcuffed, his torture “tricks” lasted for far too long 3) he’s my favorite Sufjan Stevens song!
I can’t say I grasp all the theological implications Sufjan is singing about in his closing lyrics:
“And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floor boards
For the secrets I have hid”
But horrifyingly, I feel they’re true; and they keep me humble. So, if my death could become a part of the song that helps to keep a check on my self-righteousness and arrogance? Wow. That’s how I would want to be killed.
So for me?
It’s got to be John Wayne Gacy, Jr.
1) kept a keepsake/my remains
2) dragged out the death
3) inspired one of my favorite songs*
*note that while I love Sufjan’s song, if I could magically save all his victims, I would happily not have it in my life.
Didn't he have the "rack of pain"? Dude. Rethink this.
Excruciating agony was one of my criteria!
I imagine if your last moments are drawn out and horrible, then the memories of the rest of your life, even your lowest moments, well, they must seem wonderful in comparison.
Granted, no doubt I’m imagining myself to be braver than I am, but if I get to hypothetical which serial killer would kill me, can’t I also hypothetical the best idea I have of myself being the me that’s killed?
Edmund Kemper. I have a thing for men with mommy issues, so it just feels fitting.
And he seems so pleasant in Fincher’s Mind Hunter! Full of insight to share and bear hugs!
I want him to make me a hot cocoa
I’m going with Ed Gein, as I have decent skin and would actually make a lovely lampshade.
Unless Lizzie Borden counts, since I would love to have my murder chanted about by jump-roping children.
Does the black plague count? Higher body count and more children's songs.
If it doesn't have to be human I want to be taken out by a wendigo 🖤
No they're from Native American folklore. Beautiful creatures. Also cannibals.
Can we write two of them?
I'm up to 4 why not lol
Hello darkness my old friend.
Jeffrey Dahmer. Why? I'll atleast have fucked up sex before my last breath. And I'll continue to have my anus wrecked long after i die. Bad situarion. No one wins here.
Yeah... unless you do end up with Draino in your head and living the zombie lifestyle.
Like I said, this is a no win situation.
Prime example; the God we know is the gnarliest of them all. Grim Reaper's been doing his cleaning since forever. But, maybe, also just an allegation, he was never caught on tape, and no hard evidence.
Don't know, I haven't seen this one. It's got McConaughey so It's added to the list.
HH Holmes I suppose, just because experiencing the late 1800s firsthand would be fascinating, and then you’d spend your last few earthly days in a “castle”.
And you might get to see the Great White City, you know, before he pumps all the air out of your room.
Considering death always comes too soon no matter your age.
I'll argue The grim reaper is the greatest serial killer. Beating me in a die or live heads up poker game, playing with tarot cards instead. A fitting end.
I don't know what this says about me but I'm really enjoying the responses here.
You are welcome to join in hon......we get kinda cray cray lol
That's all fine by me. :-)
Spectators are necessary tho so feel free to watch......
Grim. But it's a kind of game. In the same way that Barbara Walters used to ask people, "If you could be a tree, what kind of tree would you be?"
Reminds me of 'Girl, Interrupted':
Nurse: Now, Janet. What type of tree can you be there on the floor?
Janet: I'm a fucking shrub, alright?!
Huh.....................John Wayne Gacy because he would realize I only sound like a young boy and not actually one and change his mind and I won't die.............
Ed Gein… I wouldn’t mind being a keychain or lamp shade.
Ted Kaczynski. Why? What can I say I love getting surprise packages in the mail and I always wanted to go out with a bang 😉!
Ted was my choice too. I explained why in the comments.
He’d still be my pick based on his police sketch. Rock those aviator shades, Ted.
John Allen Muhammad, the DC sniper. That way I'd never see it coming, and if it was a good enough shot, it'd likely be painless. One minute I'd be filling my gas tank, looking at the price and saying, "Just kill me now."
Ouch. I was on tour in D.C. during that spree. We had to duck and run everywhere.
Wait I got a good one only cuz I was in the elevator with him 9 months pregnant......no lie. Connecticut's Michael Ross and I did name that kid Michael.......I win don't I. How can I not lol
Bonus that he was known as "The Egg Man"? Goo goo g'joob.
Thanks........I actually had no idea. I went to St Francis Hospital because they called to tell me there was an issue with my ultrasound and had to do another cuz it appeared my baby was too big.......he was 10 10. My Godmother took me and I'm from Hartford and paid no attention to the man in shackles covered in a sheet with armed guards flanking him. Its a hospital, you see shit and they just told me my kid was way too big to come out my hoo ha. My Godmother clutched me white, shaking, visibly upset and I'll never forget her "Do you know who that was?" I remembered laughing at the fucking irony because I had planned my firstborns name for 4 years........but I almost only renamed him Cobain cuz Kurt Cobain commuted suicide days before.........my Mom twisted my arm and stopped that from happening lol
He's on 'Serial Killer Documentaries" on YouTube.
I was just looking for something to watch................ty................kind of weird I know everything bout Ted Bundy but not much about the guy in my backyard lol.
Oh wow watching it.......if I tell you that my son's last name translates into Chicken Farmer will I get double the prize lol..........and I had no idea.........almost too weird but when has my life been anything but?
One of his victims was pregnant? I'm fucking floored ........I'm glad I didn't know that then I was 21 and stressed the fuck out........
Robert C. Hansen would transport his victims to a remote area in Alaska, release them, and then hunt them like game. If he was ultimately successful, at least he had to earn it (though, as a seasoned hunter, he had significant advantages over his poor victims). I would much rather know the rules of his "game" and participate with a slight chance of survival, then to be blindsided by a violent end.
AND he was a baker.
a pilot.... quite a diverse skill set
Dahmer. When we’re eating fried chicken, we all have something in common with the man. We all think the skin is the best part.
You. Come sit next to me.
And me.......you sexy beast........just nibble that piece of skin to your left where I thought it was cool to tattoo my own name on my arm. Yeah it's faded Tommy Hilfiger colors too. Take the whole arm lol .....
This definitely does NOT imply that all Fried chicken eating carnivores are serial killers. You are absolutely right though.
Just don't forget one thing. He was also a big fan of the dark meat.
I value being a regular nobody. I hate the idea of fame, even after I die. So, for this reason my fictional killer would be Dexter. Getting thrown in deep sea where no one will find me. A regular silent rest. I like that.
George Joseph Smith, an English serial killer who liked to drown his wives in the bathtub. His victims became known as The Brides In The Bath'. At the time of his trial, they only had solid evidence to go for one count of murder. However this was the first time they re-enacted the murder style to prove a link to the other victims. If they hadn't, then he wouldn't have been deemed a serial killer (you need three or more victims). So GJS was something of an inadvertent trendsetter.
When trying to recreate the way the murders happened, they discovered death would have been via a sudden loss of consciousness followed by drowning. No blunt force, no sexual violence, no mutilation and trophy taking, just instant death. As someone who has paracetamol in their bag at all times just in case I get a headache, this seems like a murder I could get on board with.
The motive was to cash in on life insurance policies and I like the idea of Smith toddling down to the bank only to be greeted by my account that's as red as a sunburnt strawberry.
Finally, I'm distantly related to one of George Joseph Smith's victims and honestly, I think the synchronicity of it would be just too delicious.