Hi John, I took the three people who liked my comment about giving my prize to another member of the group, added three people who said nice things in the other contest, rolled a die and you won. Just wanted to confirm you had not previously won a prize. I'll then go ahead and let David know. I assume you would need to send him your address. Thanks.
Brandan always asking the important questions. My story is rip roaring and ready. Posted it on my substack if anyone wants to give me feedback, but it would probably be better to wait on Uncle Chuck.
I'm going to drop some feedback here. Hope that's okay.
Also, please consider these as merely personal feedback as a reader and fellow writer.
Feel free to scrap everything you disagree with.
- I feel like the second act (when we move to the ER) is when the story really kicks off. I find the first paragraph where you introduce Cassidy and Jeff, brilliant. The blood stain images are vivid, short and effective.
- When the nurse says “He’s an addict” then you’ve got my attention, As a reader I’m trying to connect the dots, thinking stuff that happened. It works nicely.
- You keep building tension all the way to the end. The nurse driving him home, Pat asking those questions, it works very, very well.
- The phone trick in the end it's a perfect twist to end the story with.
- On the other hand though I do find the first act, the setting, or the first bit a bit too long to be focused on one single action. My personal suggestion would be to break it up with some Big Voice, asides, or maybe a flashback. That will change the texture of the text and speed up the reading pace.
A few minor – more personal – notes:
- I'd drop the uppercased words (e.g. "STUUUPID", "COULD"). They kind of distract the reader from the actual text. Keeping them lowercase will have a more powerful effect.
- The main character is named Pat throughout the first part. Then suddenly he's addressed as "Patrick". As a reader I'd probably prefer the same character to be referred to with the same name or with a descriptive nouns: "The big sex addict", "The utter moron", etc.
That's it. Not sure if this helps, or if it's your preferred way to have feedback addressed.
Keep up the good work, John. This is a nice, cool story.
‘The Minotaur Takes A Smoke Break’ is a novel. Not wanting to leave you hanging without a collection though, I recommend Haruki Murakami’s ‘The Elephant Vanishes’.
While we're at it. I just realized that reading Something Happened by Joseph Heller 12 years ago must have burrowed into my subconscious because its come out in the book Im working on. Have you read it? Just a stream of consciousness about everyday life.
Glad I stepped back. I got so many of these wrong. But I’m happy for the winners! And honestly I’m happy to learn I was wrong. It was a great read Chuck!
That was stimulating, I couldn't work properly today, always thinking about that book and the questions. Such a nice feeling not being alone to get excited. ( I guess it's the same for everything, even in a legal point of view). Well done!
Congrats everyone! Really loved discovering Nora Ephron. Got hung up on if Finkel had to appear earlier in the book to be a true martyred follower. Thanks, Chuck!
If the book were closer to Minimalism then all the key elements would have to be present from the start. I suspect Ephron wanted to introduce the concept of a "gesture of size" very close to demonstrating such a gesture, then having the narrator make such a gesture. This might be a tic from film, pacing things closer together. But Tom S would agree with you that Richard should've been introduced earlier.
No, ha! But I wouldn’t do that! Seems like a dick move to shrug off a gold medal in a contest of skill. Everyone would know second guy didn’t “really win.”
Still haven't finished it to be honest ( Slow reader here, never ashamed). But, this late assignment is proving to be better than the extensive reading class I once took in college. Congrats to the winners and participants. And please stay alive for us Chuck, for another 60 years!
Thanks. Given that I won a prize earlier in the month, I'd like my prize to go to someone else in the group who has not won a prize as you see fit. Thanks!
WooohooO! Congrats to the winners!
If we adjusted for time between wakefulness, and correct answers, I still lost.
Hi John, I took the three people who liked my comment about giving my prize to another member of the group, added three people who said nice things in the other contest, rolled a die and you won. Just wanted to confirm you had not previously won a prize. I'll then go ahead and let David know. I assume you would need to send him your address. Thanks.
Thanks very much, Chuck. Really appreciate it.
So close but yet so far; my heart burns...
Congrats to the winners!
Chuck, two questions, if you don’t mind:
1. How’s the substack short story submission point coming along?
2. Have you ever read ‘The Minotaur Takes a Cigarette Break’ by Steven Sherrill?
Brandan always asking the important questions. My story is rip roaring and ready. Posted it on my substack if anyone wants to give me feedback, but it would probably be better to wait on Uncle Chuck.
Does the UK have Tums?
The antiacid pills? Weirdly haven't seen them advertised since the early 90s, but definitely available.
Hey John, is the story "You Can Tune a Player Piano...but You Cant Screw a Screen"?
About to give it a read and happy to drop some feedback if you're keen.
Yes. Thanks!
I'm going to drop some feedback here. Hope that's okay.
Also, please consider these as merely personal feedback as a reader and fellow writer.
Feel free to scrap everything you disagree with.
- I feel like the second act (when we move to the ER) is when the story really kicks off. I find the first paragraph where you introduce Cassidy and Jeff, brilliant. The blood stain images are vivid, short and effective.
- When the nurse says “He’s an addict” then you’ve got my attention, As a reader I’m trying to connect the dots, thinking stuff that happened. It works nicely.
- You keep building tension all the way to the end. The nurse driving him home, Pat asking those questions, it works very, very well.
- The phone trick in the end it's a perfect twist to end the story with.
- On the other hand though I do find the first act, the setting, or the first bit a bit too long to be focused on one single action. My personal suggestion would be to break it up with some Big Voice, asides, or maybe a flashback. That will change the texture of the text and speed up the reading pace.
A few minor – more personal – notes:
- I'd drop the uppercased words (e.g. "STUUUPID", "COULD"). They kind of distract the reader from the actual text. Keeping them lowercase will have a more powerful effect.
- The main character is named Pat throughout the first part. Then suddenly he's addressed as "Patrick". As a reader I'd probably prefer the same character to be referred to with the same name or with a descriptive nouns: "The big sex addict", "The utter moron", etc.
That's it. Not sure if this helps, or if it's your preferred way to have feedback addressed.
Keep up the good work, John. This is a nice, cool story.
As for #1 I'm still waiting for the legal advisor to send me a waiver statement. Soon I hope.
As for #2, I have not. Should I? Is it in a collection I can buy?
Thanks for the update.
‘The Minotaur Takes A Smoke Break’ is a novel. Not wanting to leave you hanging without a collection though, I recommend Haruki Murakami’s ‘The Elephant Vanishes’.
While we're at it. I just realized that reading Something Happened by Joseph Heller 12 years ago must have burrowed into my subconscious because its come out in the book Im working on. Have you read it? Just a stream of consciousness about everyday life.
Well done, all! 😁
Glad I stepped back. I got so many of these wrong. But I’m happy for the winners! And honestly I’m happy to learn I was wrong. It was a great read Chuck!
That was stimulating, I couldn't work properly today, always thinking about that book and the questions. Such a nice feeling not being alone to get excited. ( I guess it's the same for everything, even in a legal point of view). Well done!
Congrats everyone! Really loved discovering Nora Ephron. Got hung up on if Finkel had to appear earlier in the book to be a true martyred follower. Thanks, Chuck!
If the book were closer to Minimalism then all the key elements would have to be present from the start. I suspect Ephron wanted to introduce the concept of a "gesture of size" very close to demonstrating such a gesture, then having the narrator make such a gesture. This might be a tic from film, pacing things closer together. But Tom S would agree with you that Richard should've been introduced earlier.
Feel like I keep getting the soggy biscuit… where is all this sorcery taking place. And how do I keep missing it
Oh that’s right. Idiocy and apathy. New diet
Congrats to the participants and winners alike. Here’s a sticker ⭐️
Woohoo! Heartburn is my first Nora Ephron, very much looking forward to your closer look.
I just won the “avoid the thought words” Valentine’s Day contest, so please give my win to whoever’s next.
that's nice, do you remember the name of this world champion who gave his gold medal to the second guy because he had already won the last time?
No, ha! But I wouldn’t do that! Seems like a dick move to shrug off a gold medal in a contest of skill. Everyone would know second guy didn’t “really win.”
Still haven't finished it to be honest ( Slow reader here, never ashamed). But, this late assignment is proving to be better than the extensive reading class I once took in college. Congrats to the winners and participants. And please stay alive for us Chuck, for another 60 years!
Thanks. Given that I won a prize earlier in the month, I'd like my prize to go to someone else in the group who has not won a prize as you see fit. Thanks!
Please let us know who when you contact Dennis.
That's an incredibly kind gesture, Eric! It warms my heart.
Well done folks! Didn't have time to read this, so very impressed by the people who did in 24 hours.
Thanks for the push! Congrats to all! Eager for the Saturday read.