Chuck, this is absolutely accurate. I have a friend who just started a job with a fairly senior position at a well known brand (being vague since it's not my business to discuss) and after all the salary and benefits and ridiculous perks and discounts the thing they were the most excited and giddy about was the corporate swag box that was shipped to their house. Here's a person who just got a dream job by any definition and they lost their mind over a tshirt and company branded yoga mat.
I'm sure there is a Fight Club quote that would sum this up perfectly but I don't want to be "that guy".
To think we used to buy expensive Italian silk ties and then jam a tie tack into it, poking a hole that would start to fray. I always struggled to get the tie tack to hit the same hole each time rather than making my tie look like Swiss cheese. I stopped using tie tacks a few decades ago, and I haven't worn a tie to work in 10 years. Heck, I haven't gone to work in two years.
In the Before Times when I actually went into my office there was a barista bar that made every coffee drink imaginable. It was like having a free Starbucks in the lobby. The line for free coffee was no less than 15 minutes from 8am to 5pm every day so I get the draw of Taco Tuesday perks. Coffee is my drug of choice.
Get this... My friends who'd go to Alaska for big money in the seasonal salmon canneries told about how each cannery had all-you-can-eat Hostess treats and black coffee. Of course so people would work faster.
I would give anything for a widely distributed snack cake company that uses real butter in their treats. All that vegetable oil scrambles my guts. There are these butter cakes I find in gas stations sometimes that are delightful.
For a while we had free hard candies like Jolly Ranchers. Nothing like chocolate. Pure sugar and food dye in all its various forms. After a while people pointed out the irony of being forced to get blood work done and the maximum BMI ratios needed in order to get available discounts on health insurance payments.
That reminds me. The in-country version of British Airways, called British Midlands, used to give everyone a hard candy to suck on during take off and landing. It helped with the ear popping as pressure changed. Upon landing, the impact of hitting the runway always made me inhale my candy and choke. Let's hope they've stopped that deadly tradition.
I used to work at a radio station and people would fall over themselves for a free t-shirt. Or a free CD that was sent by the record company and discarded into the vertical file. Or one time we had a promotion and gave away a coffee/soda drink that you’ve never heard of because it was vile and never made it, but there was a line around the block for it. I was 22 years old and it taught me a lot about people.
It's amazing the lengths people will go to when they believe they are getting an exclusive perk. The believed value is usually grossly inflated - it's all about the high of the acquisition.
My mother in law worked for an oldies radio station in Chicago in the 80's and people would absolutely lose their minds over a crappy coffee mug just because it was free.
I do. I almost got taken out by one at a WNBA game because I wasn't paying attention. Imagine using a tshirt cannon at Strand Books! That would be talked about until the end of time and grow to epic proportions through apocraphyl retellings.
I've read that story about Victor Feguer. He tricked, kidnaped and killed a doctor. He was sentenced to death by hanging. As a last meal he asked for a single olive, still with the pit. He said he hoped that once buried, an olive tree will grow from him as a symbol of peace.
For me, the road must be used periodically to shake my brain up and put it into learning mode. Being in a new place motivates me like nothing else can.
Ever see the 90's movie Heavy directed by James Mangold? The protagonist binge eats during times of stress. A pretty incredible story of loneliness, isolation, and unrequited love. Any big event happens, the main character goes to his candy bars, or donut stash.
I’m not sad, I’m terrified. The anathema! The anti religious possibilities! Okay, now I’m curious... what if vampires played word puzzles to jeep their memory intact? Actually: this reminds me. My dad works for some of the super rich. I have met them and toured their homes. Rich people have the worst taste in culture. People who own baseball teams also own those fake “abstract” slabs of brush strokes. To compare them to Rothko would be like comparing those “binaural music” youtube videos to Brian Eno (which the former is more likely what they listen to).
Taco Tuesday, Bagel Fridays.. I also heard about Vodka Saturdays in a telemarketing company a friend worked at. But, I experienced something different. On every summer day, we'd sneak into a weeding and have a little past midnight roasted chicken special. We can always count on it, no matter how tight the security is.
I used to work at a factory that had “Cheff’s Wednesdays”, it was always the same thing, either strogonoff, lasagna or some watever pasta, but every single Wednesday everyone was just so exited for it, they loved Wednesdays, I just could not standard them both.
I remember when I was working for a large tech company as a home based agent and we would see all of the perks for the in-office agents. They were given free massages, free health check-ups, extra pay. Us home-based agents? We had dance contests. We dance around like idiots alone in our rooms and submit it in hopes of winning an effin t-shirt. I did not participate. I also remember a time our manager kept telling us "You guys are going to get a great holiday gift this year! Just wait!" It turns out we received a chintzy, cheap fleece throw cover big enough to cover my cat. We were so upset.
I used to work in compliance for the largest drug testing provider in the country. This was a health tech company with a bunch of angel investors that struck a gold mine when they figured out how to have someone piss in a cup and have the result show up on a manager’s computer in ten minutes. My job in compliance was to control random drug test selections for about 20 million people across every major US employer you could think of. It was about five to six thousand accounts I was controlling. Me. Just one guy.
The funniest part was these companies would transmit all this sensitive data to me for selections, many of which included spreadsheets with tens of thousands of social security numbers. While my job hardly covered my bills (I had mega credit card debt while working there), what I controlled accounted for about 55% of the company’s revenue. They thought they could pay me shit and I’d never leave. No promotion was in sight -- I was totally pigeon-holed.
To make the pain worse, they would bring us in to their town halls and show use their $100 million quarterly profits -- all the while hiring temps and dishing out mega bonuses to executives. Most people made less than $20 an hour. Our reward? Fucking Chipotle and pizza. So, I bit down hard and oiled the hell out of my position -- making every testing pool run like a goddamn Rolls Royce.
Then when they least expected it, I bailed for a 50% pay increase five days before end of quarter with nobody knowing how to do my job. The reason end of quarter is horrible timing is because every single pool for every single customer runs and each one of those pools had to be scrubbed and updated with their new employee data -- which nobody knew how to do. In the folders that had instructions for each customer, I printed the this meme and left them inside. My dickbag manager texted me the next day while I was in training at my new gig. He was not amused.
All I wanted was to make a decent living and save some money. Instead they gave us crappy pay and crappy food. Memes were their reward -- a gold star and a pat on the head. “Thanks -- see ya in hell!”
I can’t, right now. I literally can’t even. For some reason, the minute I saw that, the song—- “Doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me…” accompanied the meme. Perky— you win, man—- you WIN.
I am currently not proud of the things I have done for tips at the bowling alley, lately. Just a slight jiggle of the “ladies,” has me looking down at the black light responsive carpet in deep shame. We sell damn good pizza there, too and The kitchen. also make a “pickle pizza” that’s damn good. Sometimes, I feel like I’m living a teenage dream working there— concerts constantly, fun music, drunk/high folks, great staff—- but my body reminds me of my age sometimes because I can’t stand longer than 5 hours without serious pain anymore. But, the camaraderie with my co-workers and owners, encourage and enforce returning to work when scheduled. 3 years of working alone on my own business to now, jack-in-the box fun and excitement has been quite unusual, to say the least. I’ve been missing my staying home life, lately and wanna get stuck in my head alone again though.
Hey, in college I worked as a bartender. The bar owner trained us how to provide a drink "on the house" when someone was about to leave. This free drink would send them into the drunk zone, so they'd have to stay all night. Sleaze much?
(Dirty giggle) That’s some suspicious serial killer-esque activity!!!!! We dooooo have a basement/stage area with a shower and bar… guarded by a padlock. 🫥
Every quarter or so at my last tech job, we’d have Hot Dog Wednesdays. But not an actual company driven thing, one individual would just want to make them for everyone and would dedicate their lunch to making them for the then 90+ team who wanted in.
We'd celebrate birthdays at work with a huge Costco cake, and a birthday card circulated for everyone's signature. Nowadays that seems as archaic as Morris dancing.
We would still do birthday cards for many years - until the team became far too big/too much turnover to really know who was who.
There was a lovely guy who would make fudge from scratch at home, though one day he realised the flavouring he tried to order that sounded good was actually vape liquid. Luckily before making!
If there's only one thing I've learnt in life, as I approach my forties, it's that even more than all being connected by Taco Tuesday (Not that we have that in England. The closest would probably be fish and chips on a friday, but that was back in the day when fish and chips was affordable), we are all, no matter where we work, winging it.
When you're young, you think adults know what they're doing. When you've been an adult for long enough, and have to deal with other adults every day, it doesn't matter how high they have climbed, they are (most of the time) fucking incompetent and just trying to get through the day without fucking up too bad that someone notices.
I interviewed at a place that had Waffle Wednesdays. And a Frisbee golf team. 🙃
Shoot me now.
All in the name of "team-building." 😐🤣
Dispensary? Dispensary.
Actually, it was a medical technology company that generates 3D imagery of hearts in order to assess how blockages are affecting blood flow.
Or are you asking if they had a dispensery? Perhaps - but they didn't tell me about it. 🤣
Chuck, this is absolutely accurate. I have a friend who just started a job with a fairly senior position at a well known brand (being vague since it's not my business to discuss) and after all the salary and benefits and ridiculous perks and discounts the thing they were the most excited and giddy about was the corporate swag box that was shipped to their house. Here's a person who just got a dream job by any definition and they lost their mind over a tshirt and company branded yoga mat.
I'm sure there is a Fight Club quote that would sum this up perfectly but I don't want to be "that guy".
Thank you for another challenging writing prompt!
Dude, I still have my Freightliner ten-year tie tack embedded with a tiny-tiny diamond. Now I have to explain what a "tie tack" even is...
That would confuse some if it ever found its way into a prize package.
To think we used to buy expensive Italian silk ties and then jam a tie tack into it, poking a hole that would start to fray. I always struggled to get the tie tack to hit the same hole each time rather than making my tie look like Swiss cheese. I stopped using tie tacks a few decades ago, and I haven't worn a tie to work in 10 years. Heck, I haven't gone to work in two years.
You nailed it. I wasn't going to mention that sad aspect. All my ties have that nasty scar.
Wasn't it Napoleon who boasted, "I can make a man give his life for a small bit of colored ribbon" ?
At Freightliner they had pie for $1 and I almost stayed just for that perk.
In the Before Times when I actually went into my office there was a barista bar that made every coffee drink imaginable. It was like having a free Starbucks in the lobby. The line for free coffee was no less than 15 minutes from 8am to 5pm every day so I get the draw of Taco Tuesday perks. Coffee is my drug of choice.
Get this... My friends who'd go to Alaska for big money in the seasonal salmon canneries told about how each cannery had all-you-can-eat Hostess treats and black coffee. Of course so people would work faster.
Make that Little Debbies rather than Hostess, and I'm moving to Alaska.
Have to argue that one. Lil' Debbies is a step down.
I will die on the Little Debbie Knob
I would give anything for a widely distributed snack cake company that uses real butter in their treats. All that vegetable oil scrambles my guts. There are these butter cakes I find in gas stations sometimes that are delightful.
For a while we had free hard candies like Jolly Ranchers. Nothing like chocolate. Pure sugar and food dye in all its various forms. After a while people pointed out the irony of being forced to get blood work done and the maximum BMI ratios needed in order to get available discounts on health insurance payments.
That reminds me. The in-country version of British Airways, called British Midlands, used to give everyone a hard candy to suck on during take off and landing. It helped with the ear popping as pressure changed. Upon landing, the impact of hitting the runway always made me inhale my candy and choke. Let's hope they've stopped that deadly tradition.
I used to work at a radio station and people would fall over themselves for a free t-shirt. Or a free CD that was sent by the record company and discarded into the vertical file. Or one time we had a promotion and gave away a coffee/soda drink that you’ve never heard of because it was vile and never made it, but there was a line around the block for it. I was 22 years old and it taught me a lot about people.
It's amazing the lengths people will go to when they believe they are getting an exclusive perk. The believed value is usually grossly inflated - it's all about the high of the acquisition.
My mother in law worked for an oldies radio station in Chicago in the 80's and people would absolutely lose their minds over a crappy coffee mug just because it was free.
The t-shirts at least made people happy. The other stuff? Lol
Do you remember t-shirt cannons? I wanted one for tours, but legal minds said... not so fast.
You're lucky I didn't smack you with a bagful of mini Snickers. Those hurt.
I do. I almost got taken out by one at a WNBA game because I wasn't paying attention. Imagine using a tshirt cannon at Strand Books! That would be talked about until the end of time and grow to epic proportions through apocraphyl retellings.
That would make a good story. "Denise always lied about how her father had been killed..."
Hmm how about execution by black hole? Last meal while being spagettified over millennia.
Hah! I used to fantasize about my last meal until I learned that most states limit the cost to $25.
I'd get two pints of Hagen Daaz like Timothy McVeigh. Hope that doesn't get me on a watch list...
As a lactose intolerant person that would kill me before I could walk the green mile.
Same. It would indeed be a green mile.
The opposite of a lethal injection.
His last act of terrorism was to paint the cell floor with green apple splatters.
Now imagine that scene in the movie where the guy literally fried.
EDIT: just realized I misused the word literally. I am filled with shame.
I’d probably get myself a Dave’s Triple with chilli, fries, frosty, cookie, and 6pc nugget.
For years I had a real problem with the idea of a square patty...
Five Guys. (not a paid endorsement)
I imagine a poster with your face in the window staring, glaring stoically through me, “eat five guys. Not just for your last meal.”
I used to have to drive to Worcester to get it. They built a random one in our tiny town. But I’m on a cut. 😢😢😢 I can’t wait to eat like a pig again.
My dad is a fitness freak and hasn’t had a carb in like 30 years. Lol. I didn’t even know what real butter was until I met my husband.
They should've gone after the Gary Gilmore endorsement.
Five guys, yummmmmm....
That won’t even buy a 20 oz steak these days. 😢
Now that is a dream crusher (not that I’d aspire to be on death row)
I wonder if $25 worth of McDonald’s happy meals would one more happy or not in preparation for what’s to come.
As many Kouign Amann as $25 can buy.
I've read that story about Victor Feguer. He tricked, kidnaped and killed a doctor. He was sentenced to death by hanging. As a last meal he asked for a single olive, still with the pit. He said he hoped that once buried, an olive tree will grow from him as a symbol of peace.
I used to know some people that worked in the film industry and when I got to really learn about their jobs, I heard stuff like this.
"So and so is super pissed because we ordered burgers from a place that doesn't have milkshakes." Yes, definitely sad.
Everything becomes a prison eventually.
Always.
Your point being....?
Even the road.
For me, the road must be used periodically to shake my brain up and put it into learning mode. Being in a new place motivates me like nothing else can.
Ever see the 90's movie Heavy directed by James Mangold? The protagonist binge eats during times of stress. A pretty incredible story of loneliness, isolation, and unrequited love. Any big event happens, the main character goes to his candy bars, or donut stash.
I’m not sad, I’m terrified. The anathema! The anti religious possibilities! Okay, now I’m curious... what if vampires played word puzzles to jeep their memory intact? Actually: this reminds me. My dad works for some of the super rich. I have met them and toured their homes. Rich people have the worst taste in culture. People who own baseball teams also own those fake “abstract” slabs of brush strokes. To compare them to Rothko would be like comparing those “binaural music” youtube videos to Brian Eno (which the former is more likely what they listen to).
Taco Tuesday, Bagel Fridays.. I also heard about Vodka Saturdays in a telemarketing company a friend worked at. But, I experienced something different. On every summer day, we'd sneak into a weeding and have a little past midnight roasted chicken special. We can always count on it, no matter how tight the security is.
I'm pretty sure they have Meth Mondays around these parts.
Benefit Benders in the UK. When your ESA/Universal Credit/JSA/PIP comes in and people are at the ATM at 12:01 at the all night garage.
Substack added a 'give gift' button to your response. I found that so appropriate.
Substack outed me as poor. It's seen me reading late night posts by the light of Texaco.
Good news is the lights are brighter are $4.99/gallon.
What? What's next? A "chuck needs live-saving surgery" button?
Click here for 'Chuck needs puppies and ink cartridges'.
Ink cartridges (said in a Homer Simpson voice).
I used to work at a factory that had “Cheff’s Wednesdays”, it was always the same thing, either strogonoff, lasagna or some watever pasta, but every single Wednesday everyone was just so exited for it, they loved Wednesdays, I just could not standard them both.
I remember when I was working for a large tech company as a home based agent and we would see all of the perks for the in-office agents. They were given free massages, free health check-ups, extra pay. Us home-based agents? We had dance contests. We dance around like idiots alone in our rooms and submit it in hopes of winning an effin t-shirt. I did not participate. I also remember a time our manager kept telling us "You guys are going to get a great holiday gift this year! Just wait!" It turns out we received a chintzy, cheap fleece throw cover big enough to cover my cat. We were so upset.
At Freightliner we were encouraged to submit cost-cutting measures. The monthly winner would be allotted the parking space nearest the factory doors.
Oh my goodness.
Cut costs: Fire the consultants.
I used to work in compliance for the largest drug testing provider in the country. This was a health tech company with a bunch of angel investors that struck a gold mine when they figured out how to have someone piss in a cup and have the result show up on a manager’s computer in ten minutes. My job in compliance was to control random drug test selections for about 20 million people across every major US employer you could think of. It was about five to six thousand accounts I was controlling. Me. Just one guy.
The funniest part was these companies would transmit all this sensitive data to me for selections, many of which included spreadsheets with tens of thousands of social security numbers. While my job hardly covered my bills (I had mega credit card debt while working there), what I controlled accounted for about 55% of the company’s revenue. They thought they could pay me shit and I’d never leave. No promotion was in sight -- I was totally pigeon-holed.
To make the pain worse, they would bring us in to their town halls and show use their $100 million quarterly profits -- all the while hiring temps and dishing out mega bonuses to executives. Most people made less than $20 an hour. Our reward? Fucking Chipotle and pizza. So, I bit down hard and oiled the hell out of my position -- making every testing pool run like a goddamn Rolls Royce.
Then when they least expected it, I bailed for a 50% pay increase five days before end of quarter with nobody knowing how to do my job. The reason end of quarter is horrible timing is because every single pool for every single customer runs and each one of those pools had to be scrubbed and updated with their new employee data -- which nobody knew how to do. In the folders that had instructions for each customer, I printed the this meme and left them inside. My dickbag manager texted me the next day while I was in training at my new gig. He was not amused.
https://images.app.goo.gl/YEBdetiWMHq9Qte88
Legendary.
All I wanted was to make a decent living and save some money. Instead they gave us crappy pay and crappy food. Memes were their reward -- a gold star and a pat on the head. “Thanks -- see ya in hell!”
Ha!
I can’t, right now. I literally can’t even. For some reason, the minute I saw that, the song—- “Doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me…” accompanied the meme. Perky— you win, man—- you WIN.
Ha! Yes, that probably the perfect theme music for the situation.
This was quite an enjoyable read. If we ever meet in person I will insist on buying you a pint.
Haha ok!
You. Are. My. Hero.
Wish I could have been a fly on the wall when the pools ran that day. But, I didn’t stay in touch with any of those people.
I am currently not proud of the things I have done for tips at the bowling alley, lately. Just a slight jiggle of the “ladies,” has me looking down at the black light responsive carpet in deep shame. We sell damn good pizza there, too and The kitchen. also make a “pickle pizza” that’s damn good. Sometimes, I feel like I’m living a teenage dream working there— concerts constantly, fun music, drunk/high folks, great staff—- but my body reminds me of my age sometimes because I can’t stand longer than 5 hours without serious pain anymore. But, the camaraderie with my co-workers and owners, encourage and enforce returning to work when scheduled. 3 years of working alone on my own business to now, jack-in-the box fun and excitement has been quite unusual, to say the least. I’ve been missing my staying home life, lately and wanna get stuck in my head alone again though.
Hey, in college I worked as a bartender. The bar owner trained us how to provide a drink "on the house" when someone was about to leave. This free drink would send them into the drunk zone, so they'd have to stay all night. Sleaze much?
(Dirty giggle) That’s some suspicious serial killer-esque activity!!!!! We dooooo have a basement/stage area with a shower and bar… guarded by a padlock. 🫥
We had old fashion fridays. Bulliet Rye old fashioneds
I was relieved to work at a place that had 'pay' day, though it was infrequent.
Every quarter or so at my last tech job, we’d have Hot Dog Wednesdays. But not an actual company driven thing, one individual would just want to make them for everyone and would dedicate their lunch to making them for the then 90+ team who wanted in.
We'd celebrate birthdays at work with a huge Costco cake, and a birthday card circulated for everyone's signature. Nowadays that seems as archaic as Morris dancing.
We would still do birthday cards for many years - until the team became far too big/too much turnover to really know who was who.
There was a lovely guy who would make fudge from scratch at home, though one day he realised the flavouring he tried to order that sounded good was actually vape liquid. Luckily before making!
If there's only one thing I've learnt in life, as I approach my forties, it's that even more than all being connected by Taco Tuesday (Not that we have that in England. The closest would probably be fish and chips on a friday, but that was back in the day when fish and chips was affordable), we are all, no matter where we work, winging it.
When you're young, you think adults know what they're doing. When you've been an adult for long enough, and have to deal with other adults every day, it doesn't matter how high they have climbed, they are (most of the time) fucking incompetent and just trying to get through the day without fucking up too bad that someone notices.