For a negotiated-case-by-case fee, I will lovingly honor your grandmother’s, cat’s, dog’s, husband’s every wish and deathbed whim. Whatever their dead little hearts desired. I have solid training in crisis and grief counseling. I will sit as quietly as your most loving pet and carefully listen to the stories of loss, grief and stress wi…
For a negotiated-case-by-case fee, I will lovingly honor your grandmother’s, cat’s, dog’s, husband’s every wish and deathbed whim. Whatever their dead little hearts desired. I have solid training in crisis and grief counseling. I will sit as quietly as your most loving pet and carefully listen to the stories of loss, grief and stress without interruption. As a graphic designer I can design invitations, letters, notes, and envelopes. If circumstances allow, I am able provide consultations regarding how to style your urn so it will indeed compliment your 3,000 dollar sofa. As a writer I can write gorgeous, sincere, eulogies about Grandma, Grandpa, Mittens or Buttons.
For a negotiated fee I will write and recite poetry and reveal your buried emotions and articulate the words you could never confess to your long lost love. The one that got away. For an additional fee I will cry on queue and grip my snot covered hanky as I provide them details of a relationship that could have been. The kids, the house, the dog and white fence. I will provide your love with a memento. A small, wooden casket with mother of pearl inlay that hold ashes of you. A perfect trinket to perfectly compliment their Italian leather sofa.
For a negotiated fee I will pour your ashes from the beautiful box into a mixture of pigs blood and drive to the nearest Wal-Mart on Black Friday. As soon as the doors open I will unleash the ungodly mixture from spray cans and douse customers and products alike with the sticky, disgusting, liquid. I will make your friends and family proud.
I know a guy who knows a girl who would do that. Rent herself out for funerals. She had different prices depending on whether she was a quiet, weepy plus one or if she needed to dress up as an ex lover, etc.
For a negotiated-case-by-case fee, I will lovingly honor your grandmother’s, cat’s, dog’s, husband’s every wish and deathbed whim. Whatever their dead little hearts desired. I have solid training in crisis and grief counseling. I will sit as quietly as your most loving pet and carefully listen to the stories of loss, grief and stress without interruption. As a graphic designer I can design invitations, letters, notes, and envelopes. If circumstances allow, I am able provide consultations regarding how to style your urn so it will indeed compliment your 3,000 dollar sofa. As a writer I can write gorgeous, sincere, eulogies about Grandma, Grandpa, Mittens or Buttons.
For a negotiated fee I will write and recite poetry and reveal your buried emotions and articulate the words you could never confess to your long lost love. The one that got away. For an additional fee I will cry on queue and grip my snot covered hanky as I provide them details of a relationship that could have been. The kids, the house, the dog and white fence. I will provide your love with a memento. A small, wooden casket with mother of pearl inlay that hold ashes of you. A perfect trinket to perfectly compliment their Italian leather sofa.
For a negotiated fee I will pour your ashes from the beautiful box into a mixture of pigs blood and drive to the nearest Wal-Mart on Black Friday. As soon as the doors open I will unleash the ungodly mixture from spray cans and douse customers and products alike with the sticky, disgusting, liquid. I will make your friends and family proud.
I know a guy who knows a girl who would do that. Rent herself out for funerals. She had different prices depending on whether she was a quiet, weepy plus one or if she needed to dress up as an ex lover, etc.