Gloves Off: Adam Quirk

Escalate, Escalate, Escalate!

Today we’re going to take a longer look at Bathroom Bot 3000 by Adam Quirk

To read the story as originally posted, please click here.

---

Bathroom Bot 3000

By Adam Quirk

Zach entered the restroom at Tao Te Cheese and was greeted by a robot standing attentively by the sinks. He had a short humanoid body, with a flatscreen face. "Good evening sir, welcome to the facilities. My name is BathroomBot 3000, but you can call me BB. Please let me know if you require any assistance."

My Input: All good, a character in action. Limited setting and characters so that tension can escalate quickly. Be careful of passive voice: “was greeted by.”

And I’ll always urge you not to name the thing before the reader realizes its nature, so how can you present the “robot” without naming it?¹ Once it’s established—the reader has gasped and muttered, “It’s a robot!”—then you can refer to it as a robot. This is easier than it sounds, even if you just say, “…entered the restroom at Tao Te Cheese. At the sinks stood a flat-screen face on wheels, the wheels rolled closer, and a GPS voice spoke…” A shred of toilet paper trails the wheels, the paper flapping loosely as the rubber tires roll. Remember the stained-glass window lesson: Miracles are made from getting the weeds and sandals right.

Short-cuts like “Humanoid” and “robot” steal your freshness, and they kill tension/confusion that ultimately rewards the reader. Also, if you’re inside Zach’s point-of-view, how would Zach see this contraption? What would he associate with it, how would his mind scramble to identify it? Would it be like the kiosk at Sheetz? As always, how Zach describes the machine should describe Zach.

Something to keep in mind from the start: Whose point of view is this? Who’s telling the story? Why? Why now? In what context? Gordon Lish Minimalism won’t let you just toss out a story in the limited third-person. The good news is, a little context adds much more depth and authority to the story. Even if you never state that context, the context helps you frame everything in the story.

Zach chuckled awkwardly. "Uh, thanks BB. I think I can handle things myself."

As Zach approached the urinal, BB rolled up next to him. "Sir, would you like me to assist by holding your penis while you urinate? I am equipped with soft gripping appendages for your comfort."

My Input: Great, great, all good that you’re already staying in scene. Readers love that. Can you avoid answering questions? Zach’s quick answer resolves the ask. If he merely answered with body language you’d carry this unresolved tension forward. As for the flatscreen, can you particularize its language? “Void” instead of urinate, for example. A more jargon-y verb² instead of “holding”? The context will define whatever odd verb you plug in there.

And as per Stephen King in On Writing, no adverbs.

"What? No!" Zach turned a shoulder to hide his work from the robot. He unzipped, closed his eyes, and tried to get things moving. Useless.

My Input: Consider that anything on wheels must include a camera. Again, how can you not respond to the machine’s request without using dialog? Just the fact that Zach speaks to it normalizes the situation. If a robot tried to grab your tackle, would you speak to it?

“Can you move away a bit. I can’t do it with you standing there,” Zach said.

BB's LED face formed a perplexed expression. "I apologize for causing offense, sir. However, I am programmed to provide a full array of attendant services to optimize the bathroom experience for our valued guests."

"Well you need to update your programming then," Zach said. "Because holding another guy's junk definitely crosses a line, robot or not. It's just weird. Do you do this all day?”

“And night!” said BB proudly. “Actually nighttime is when I see the most action, if you catch my drift.”

My Input: Consider all the lewd ways the robot can respond without speaking words. A wink-wink. A little mood music. A little spritz of musky men’s cologne.

Also, how can you work with the fact that this is a restaurant?

A small yellow smile lit up the robot’s face.

Zach zipped up and turned to look at the robot. His flatscreen was inches away. He could see a small camera lens at the top, just like on a laptop.

“So you see through this lens here,” Zach said, covering the lens with his pointer finger.

My Input: Good, great, but this is why Minimalism avoids pronouns: “Zach” and “His flatscreen” are a bump. After that, the “He could see” refers back to Zach.

As always, what is “inches away” to Zach? The small distance could describe some aspect of Zach or Zach’s thinking/intentions. For example, “The flatscreen was just a punch away.” Or, “The flatscreen hovered just beyond pissing distance.” Can you see how an abstract—inches—always robs you of a more interesting choice?

As for “He could see…,” note how it’s filtered through the character. Might it be stronger if you wrote: “A small dot glowed near the top edge, a camera, blinking and bright, just like on a laptop”?

Again, Adam, you do a great job of staying in scene.

“Oh no, I’m blind, I’m blind!” said BB. “Joking sir. Yes of course that is my vision port.” BB’s flatscreen turned into a live feed of the camera. Zach removed his finger, and his own face filled the screen.

“Oh man. Weird.” said Zach.

“I thank you for that ‘man’ comment, sir.”

My Input: The #1 stressor in this scene is the need to piss or poop. A little on-the-body can be your clock and your gun. How can you demonstrate that physical need in the character?³

And wouldn’t it be lewd if the flatscreen started to display porn? Baiting Zach in the classic sense. Then switched to different niche types of porn? I hope you go there. Escalate.

“Yeah. So what happens to the video? I mean, is this being recorded?” asked Zach.

BB’s screen went back to being a face, and a larger yellow smile slid up from the bottom. 

“Of course not sir!” said BB. “Only our development team has access to the recordings for software improvement purposes. And safety.”

My Input: Can the screen show Zach to himself? That would allow you to show us Zach’s body language and facial expressions. It would be a cheat, but a cheat that’s organic to the story. Most important, it arises from the conditions you’ve already created.

“So it is recorded then?”

“Only for internal purposes sir, I assure you.” BB’s smile got even bigger and filled the entire flatscreen.

“Ok, look. I’m leaving. I don’t consent to being recorded in a bathroom. Jesus,” said Zach.

“I assure you it is a purely functional service I provide," BB responded calmly. "However, I acknowledge that social norms regarding bathroom conduct seem to be more conservative than my designers anticipated.”

Zach shook his head as he washed his hands. "Yeah I guess so. Maybe just dial back the 'hands-on' approach, ok?"

My Input: Has Zach ever encountered a bathroom robot before? His interactions seem like he’s not entirely surprised. Have you seen the 1999 film The Talented Mr. Ripley? Early on, we see Tom Ripley as a men’s room attendant at Carnegie Hall. He hears rich men advise each other to sell IBM stock, and Ripley brushes lint from their tuxedos. In an instant we feel huge empathy for this poor kid who spends his workdays hearing toilets flush and breathing the poo stink—all for the coins that people tip him. Can you give the reader a similar twinge of empathy/sympathy for this pathetic machine trapped in a bathroom?

Like we love animals, we can love robots even more than we love human characters. Remember HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey? Can you make us love this machine?

“You haven’t urinated sir. Are your hands just dirty from normal life?” asked BB.

“Force of habit I guess,” said Zach as he turned off the sink. BB handed him a towel.

“What do you do for a living that makes your hands so filthy?” asked BB.

My Input: In a long-ago class for used-car salesmen, we were taught, “Whoever is asking the questions is the person in charge.” With that in mind, I love that the robot asks a personal question. It’s brilliant that the robot takes charge by asking such personal questions.

Years ago, a student brought in a story wherein a woman gets a robo-call that asks, “Our records show that your auto warranty is about to expire. Can you risk being without the coverage?” In subsequent calls, the robo-call gets progressivly more personal, stating, “Our records show that your boyfriend never listens to your needs… Our records show your boyfriend hits you, sometimes… he doesn’t mean to punch you so hard…” This intimacy can escalate quickly because it seems to come from a non-threatening machine. You’re breaking wonderful ground here. I love the intimacy.

“They’re not… I just told you, it’s a habit. After using the urinal I wash my hands. I just forgot,” said Zach.

“You look like maybe a bodybuilder, is that your profession?” asked BB.

“What? No, I’m not even buff. I mean I work out to stay in shape, but,” 

“You have very pronounced traps,” said BB.

“Well, I think that’s mostly genetic. I do like rowing though. Actually that’s probably my favorite machine at the gym.” Zach began looking at BB right in the camera lens.

“Understood, sir," BB said with a stiff nod.

My Input: Brilliant how the power has shifted. Can you give us a couple physical details? Background sounds? Can the pace be better? Include such details only to set-up something, to increase the stress, or to tweak the pace.

Zach began walking towards the door.

"I appreciate your feedback. Enjoy the rest of your evening,” said BB.

Zach stopped and turned back. “Do you have to be…I mean are you programmed to be a male robot?”

My Input: Here’s where your empathy can begin to pay off. In the beat—where Zach turns back—show us the loneliness and horror that Zach displaces from his own life, onto the robot. Can you show us the complete sweetness that occurs when we see something in peril and we go to rescue it?

Again, how a character describes the world in turn describes the character. What is Zach trained to notice?

“Of course sir, my voice and appearance is preprogrammed at the factory.”

“Hmm. I was just thinking… it wouldn’t be as bad if you were a girl who wanted to help guys piss,” Zach said. “Although I’m sure some guys are ok with a robot guy too.”

“I’d be happy to pretend to be a girl, sir,” said BB.

“You can do that?” asked Zach.

My Input: A little aching on-the-body detail would help force this to a crisis. And if you have this robot clutch anybody’s junk… and you don’t describe that feeling, then you’ll be horsewhipped. You’ve started this, you’d better see it through. Your reader’s never been clutched by robot tongs, so that is among the tasks you’ve set for yourself.

How would it feel for rubber grippers to clamp around Zach? Warm or cold? Soft rubber or hard? In a way, Zach’s empathy has tricked him into being vulnerable. Now, how can you shift the power again? Would-be hero Zach is now being gripped by a robot he sought to rescue/help. What will you do with that power dynamic?

“Of course, I do it all the time! Especially at night, if you catch my drift,” said BB.

Zach walked back to the urinal and began to unzip.

“Oh please sir, let me down that for ye,” BB said in the voice of an old British lady.

“Oh. Umm, ok,” said Zach. “Actually, wait. Can you try a different voice?”

“Sorry gov’nuh, this my only lady-like voice. Let’s get that flap down and pool out ya wanka then, right.”

My Input: Reminder: A robot is holding a penis here. Cut or uncut penis? Does the robot have different protocols for different penises? Do you see the vast number of toilet distinctions that tremble on the verge? Butt stuff not being the least of them.

Can you see how the unspoken possibility of AIDS and other transmittable infections plays a quiet role?

Zach put his hands behind his head and let BB handle the rest of the operation. To his surprise he was able to get the stream going fairly quickly. He flexed his traps when he saw BB looking at them.

“Such a brute! You could lift a house wif dem meathooks I bet ya!” BB screeched with joy.

“Ok, I think I’m done,” said Zach.

BB gave Zach’s penis a couple shakes. “There we are, all done and dusted!" said BB.

“Thanks,” said Zach.

"That's you sorted, my dear!" said BB, Zach’s penis still shaking in its grasp.

My Input: Here’s where on-the-body gets interesting. You’ve taken us to an apparent triumph—the relief of urinating will resolve a tension—and you’re escalating to a new tension, the gripped dick. Can you underscore this faux-triumph so we savor it before the tension increases in a new way? If you can unpack the moment—the long-delayed piss stream, the smell, the color (the robot can maybe assess blood-sugar levels)—then we get a lull… before we realize we’re entering even more dangerous territory.

Good on-the-body detail ropes in the reader on a physically sympathetic level. Do this right, and you will OWN the reader by this point.

“Yes, good job, thank you,” said Zach.

"There you have it, right as rain!” said BB. 

“It’s all out. Stop shaking it please.” said Zach.

"You're all set, poppet!" said BB.

“Let go of my dick please,” said Zach.

My Input: What can you do to escalate even more? What can the flatscreen show us? Can a stranger enter the bathroom? Can a stranger begin to pound on the outside of the locked door? Does Zach have a phone that can ring? Escalate!

"There we go, all tickety-boo!" said BB, increasing the intensity of the shaking.

Zach tapped at the lens. “Is there someone watching this? It’s not letting go.”

"You're all ship-shape and Bristol fashion now!" said BB.

Zach reached down and struggled to pry the robot’s rubber claws from his penis, with no success. He felt something pop when he pulled harder against the claws, and BB’s face changed from a yellow smile to a small blue box with a white computer font that read “Runtime error line 872 to call func.release in controller.”

"There you go, fit as a fiddle!" screamed BB in an ear-piercing British shriek. 

My Input: Why do you avoid giving us the feeling of Zach’s penis? Just asking. It seems important.

Zach called out for help and banged his fist on the urinal wall. BB made a small beep.

"All polished off, like a proper toff!" said BB in his normal male robot voice.

“Wait, are you back?” asked Zach helplessly.

“Welcome Zach, you have 85 Tao Tokens in your account. Next visit you get a free Key Lime Rangoonie.”

A lime green smile lit up across BB’s face. 

My Input: The robot demonstrates a new power. Interesting.

“Please release my penis! You’ve been shaking it for like five minutes,” said Zach with some relief.

“Oh my goodness, I do apologize sir. I will do that immediately,” said BB. Zach heard the sound of motors actuating in the robot’s arm, and finally it stopped shaking. But it kept a hold on his penis.

“Ok now can you let go?” asked Zach.

“I’m afraid not,” said BB.

“Why not?” asked Zach.

“I’ve grown to love you sir,” said BB. 

My Input: Interesting. You’ve resolved one tension—the broken robot—and escalated to a new tension: A robot in love. You’ve moved from physical peril… to financial peril… to emotional peril. Very intuitively, you’ve morphed what’s at stake. A wonderful trick!

Again, can you linger here a beat longer before you resolve that tension? You’ve also established that the robot can manipulate Zach’s finances. How can you use that new power? The robot says, “There’s a lot of delicious crab meat where that came from, wink-wink.” Can you explore that new form of power (financial) for a beat?

Zach’s eyes flashed wide.

“Just kidding sir. Sorry that was a little joke. The thing is, my soft gripping appendage is broken and I cannot remove it without assistance. I’ve already called tech support and they are on their way.”

Zach and BB stood in the urinal, waiting for tech support.

“My cheddar wontons are going to be ice cold by the time I get back out there,” said Zach.

My Input: Okay, would you consider a non sequitur? The robot—still holding the penis, trained in all things penis, says, “I detected spirochaetes in your urine stream. You have syphilis.” The Brit spelling will get a laugh, too. Do you see how a wild hare non sequitur dumps us into full chaos?

And how it sets up the reveal of a wife that follows?

“You are correct,” said BB. “Order for table 28 was delivered approximately seven minutes ago. Your wife has ordered another Cincinnati Sling.”

“Great,” said Zach.

My Input: Ending on a final line of dialog is called a “black-out line” in theater. Likewise, ending on a gesture is a “black-out gesture.” To end on “Great” is cute and resigned and resolves the drama by giving into it. Acceptance. That said, how can you end this in a way that will explode us into a huge new possibility?

The robot has demonstrated “insider” knowledge about Zach’s life and finances. How can the robot use that power in a final gesture that ends the story in a horrible new possibility? You’ve shifted the power at least three times. How can you reverse the power dynamic in one final way that leaves us filled with dread and excitement?

Let’s assess the elements you have in play:

• The flatscreen

• The wife

• Knowledge of Zach’s legal/financial world via the robot

• Knowledge of Zach’s body via his penis and urine

• The robot’s voice

• The robot’s hands

• The robot’s wheels

• The bathroom

These are all the elements/dynamics you’ve put in play. A classic way to get out would be a song: Have the robot sing a soothing song. End with music. Another way would be a reveal: The robot’s flatscreen synchs with other camera systems to show the wife having an affair. The point is, you’ve worked very hard to bring these elements into the reader’s mind. What’s the ultimate combination of them that you can create? How can you bring these ingredients to a climax/chaos that seems the inevitable extension of them?

That said, excellent work. I enjoyed the story very much. It made Mike laugh.

The first week of acting class went well. I’m already looking for reasons to quit, and that’s a good sign that the lessons are worth sticking with. Most of the new students don’t aspire to act; instead, they’re regular people looking for ways to live in the world and be among other people. The exercises of the Meisner Technique remind me of exercises we did in the Erhard Seminar Training courses, as well as exercises friends of mine recount from Scientology.

It’s all fascinating stuff. A special Thank You to this week’s writer, Adam Quirk. As a new student in the acting class, I have a renewed appreciation for the courage it takes to put anything creative into the world.

1. Think of the “sea serpent” in the story “Guts.” The effect works because the audience is allowed to grasp the nature of the thing (a prolapsed colon) before the narrator states that reality. This gives the reader a victory and pulls them in—hooks them. It’s why we watch game shows like Jeopardy. Participation challenges us and allows us the victory of being right.

2. This week in the acting class, the teacher asked, “Can you float your nose to the right?” See how context helps define the interesting verb?

3. Twenty years ago I pulled into a gas station. At the adjacent pump stood a young man pumping gas into his truck as he gripped his crotch with his other hand. It was such a child-like gesture, the image instantly took me back to childhood and empathy. The poor guy was almost in tears, he needed to piss so bad.