Dane, very compelling scene! I’m starting on part 2 now.
I agree that jumping straight into the action is the way to go (especially with a scene like this!) It’d immediately pull the reader in and consequently make the context more satisfying since they’d feel like they knew the narrator better by feeling like they went through this traumatic experience with them.
Thanks so much, it’s cool how you see things you otherwise didn’t, until others point it out! I’m loving having people tell me what they think I should change.
That's a good attitude to have. It's the combination of a having an open attitude to feedback and trusting your own gut instinct that will improve your writing.
Chuck, thanks so much. I just willy nilly sent this excerpt in thinking it’d never get seen. One of my literary heroes editing anything I’ve written is unreal.
Two questions! First, with things like “she said and she”.... You pointed out as slightly confusing and off, and I agree but I purposefully wrote some things this way because it’s a high school boy writing this. So is it just a judgement thing when writing as someone that’s not a writer? Or are there still certain rules that you should follow? Do I burn the language however I want but don’t let anything cross into “confusing” for the reader to stumble on?
And second, I put the line “this is a true story” because I wanted that line to be in the readers’ mind still as they go on to read things that seemingly cannot be possible, but yet at the end of the story there seems to also be proof of them happening as well, forcing a decision by the reader on what to believe and what to ignore. So my question is, if I want to keep a similar line to “this is a true story”, but maybe one not so watered down or over used, how should I approach that without coming across as devaluing, but still stay sticky in the readers’ mind as they go on? Thanks!
The first and biggest rule is: Don't confuse the reader. Pronoun confusion is a no-no. It's why I tend to give characters three names, so I can avoid pronouns. Burning the language should be intuitive enough that the reader can infer the correct meaning. With pronoun confusing and a lack of attribution you confuse the reader and force him/her to backtrack. Or worse, the reader feels stupid and quits the book.
As for your second question, do as you choose. This is just my gut feedback.
To help root out “using too many forms of IS” would somebody literally search ‘is’ in their manuscript and try to restructure the sentences where ‘is’ appears? Should we look to nuke ‘is’ wherever possible?
Just scan the page for verbs -- visually -- and circle them. Then consider how you can replace the 'is' with something more physical and dynamic. Avoid creating the setting and elements, instead just walk into the world and begin interacting with stuff. Things and people should only come into existence when the narrator or character interacts with them. Hope that helps.
Hi Dane! Thanks for sharing "Saint Vrain Street Rapture!" Really nice job. I'm in agreement that the scene is the way to start. Once I reached that part of your story, I couldn't put it down. At the end, I was left curious, and wanting to know what happens next. Keep it up!
Also, very much enjoyed the voice, the burnt tongue. And it seems that you’re set up really well to submerge your i’s pretty easily which will make it all the stronger.
Maegan, thanks so much. This is the first time I’ve ever really had anyone critique what I’ve written in any meaningful way. It’s invaluable. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story
You're welcome, Dane! And also the more you close-read others' work, the more you will notice things in your own work that you will want to improve. Also, for me, it helps to have one very close critique partner with whom to regularly (once a month or so for us) exchange work with. Someone who can be honest with you about what is or isn't working. I found my spirit animal (spirit critique partner? hehe) on this Substack actually, and it is so helpful. :)
thanks for sharing, Dane. this was a lot of fun to read!
Chuck — i'm grateful to hear you speak on how to world-build and introduce objects. it makes a lot of sense to avoid setting things up and to instead just let your character interact with the constructed world.
Great stuff, Dane! I look forward to reading more. And thanks again, Chuck! Wednesday is my midweek writing day, and you have a wonderful tendency of hitting us with some wisdom early in the week. It really helps launch my Wednesday. I’m excited to visit Portland again! I’ll try to bring some cool weather with me.
Dane, very compelling scene! I’m starting on part 2 now.
I agree that jumping straight into the action is the way to go (especially with a scene like this!) It’d immediately pull the reader in and consequently make the context more satisfying since they’d feel like they knew the narrator better by feeling like they went through this traumatic experience with them.
Thanks for sharing!
Hey Matt, I like your new avatar!
Thanks! My wife found someone great on Etsy to do it.
Hey Dane, I like your “old” avatar. Noticed it awhile back actually; really cool.
Thanks!
Thanks so much, it’s cool how you see things you otherwise didn’t, until others point it out! I’m loving having people tell me what they think I should change.
That's a good attitude to have. It's the combination of a having an open attitude to feedback and trusting your own gut instinct that will improve your writing.
Chuck, thanks so much. I just willy nilly sent this excerpt in thinking it’d never get seen. One of my literary heroes editing anything I’ve written is unreal.
Good stuff, Dane 👍
Thanks so much. I think I’ll continue to post! Haha
Great work Dane! Excited to see where this goes.
Hey thanks man, it’s exciting getting real feedback
No problem. It's good, just needs some cut-and-paste. Thank you for putting it out there.
Two questions! First, with things like “she said and she”.... You pointed out as slightly confusing and off, and I agree but I purposefully wrote some things this way because it’s a high school boy writing this. So is it just a judgement thing when writing as someone that’s not a writer? Or are there still certain rules that you should follow? Do I burn the language however I want but don’t let anything cross into “confusing” for the reader to stumble on?
And second, I put the line “this is a true story” because I wanted that line to be in the readers’ mind still as they go on to read things that seemingly cannot be possible, but yet at the end of the story there seems to also be proof of them happening as well, forcing a decision by the reader on what to believe and what to ignore. So my question is, if I want to keep a similar line to “this is a true story”, but maybe one not so watered down or over used, how should I approach that without coming across as devaluing, but still stay sticky in the readers’ mind as they go on? Thanks!
The first and biggest rule is: Don't confuse the reader. Pronoun confusion is a no-no. It's why I tend to give characters three names, so I can avoid pronouns. Burning the language should be intuitive enough that the reader can infer the correct meaning. With pronoun confusing and a lack of attribution you confuse the reader and force him/her to backtrack. Or worse, the reader feels stupid and quits the book.
As for your second question, do as you choose. This is just my gut feedback.
Got it. Thanks so much
To help root out “using too many forms of IS” would somebody literally search ‘is’ in their manuscript and try to restructure the sentences where ‘is’ appears? Should we look to nuke ‘is’ wherever possible?
Just scan the page for verbs -- visually -- and circle them. Then consider how you can replace the 'is' with something more physical and dynamic. Avoid creating the setting and elements, instead just walk into the world and begin interacting with stuff. Things and people should only come into existence when the narrator or character interacts with them. Hope that helps.
Perfect, thank you sir!
Hi Dane! Thanks for sharing "Saint Vrain Street Rapture!" Really nice job. I'm in agreement that the scene is the way to start. Once I reached that part of your story, I couldn't put it down. At the end, I was left curious, and wanting to know what happens next. Keep it up!
Also, very much enjoyed the voice, the burnt tongue. And it seems that you’re set up really well to submerge your i’s pretty easily which will make it all the stronger.
Maegan, thanks so much. This is the first time I’ve ever really had anyone critique what I’ve written in any meaningful way. It’s invaluable. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story
You're welcome, Dane! And also the more you close-read others' work, the more you will notice things in your own work that you will want to improve. Also, for me, it helps to have one very close critique partner with whom to regularly (once a month or so for us) exchange work with. Someone who can be honest with you about what is or isn't working. I found my spirit animal (spirit critique partner? hehe) on this Substack actually, and it is so helpful. :)
That’d be awesome to find! Let me know if anyone’s taking applications lol
thanks for sharing, Dane. this was a lot of fun to read!
Chuck — i'm grateful to hear you speak on how to world-build and introduce objects. it makes a lot of sense to avoid setting things up and to instead just let your character interact with the constructed world.
Thanks so much
Great stuff, Dane! I look forward to reading more. And thanks again, Chuck! Wednesday is my midweek writing day, and you have a wonderful tendency of hitting us with some wisdom early in the week. It really helps launch my Wednesday. I’m excited to visit Portland again! I’ll try to bring some cool weather with me.