Gloves Off: Vince

Transgression Pushed to Redemption?

Today We’ll Take a Closer Look at Oink by Vince Roman

To read the story as originally published, please click here.

Oink

The night before her wedding, Kathy sat on the edge of her bed and rocked back and forth, her body tense and tightly wound like a spring. She had avoided making eye contact with her fiancée, who was beside her adjusting his colostomy bag that he had gotten after battling colon cancer years ago. He wrapped his arm around her, reminding her that it was natural to feel nervous before such a big day. Kathy's rocking motion came to a halt as she slowly turned to face him. She ached to get something off her chest before they married. "You know how I told you about the scars on my stomach from a car accident when I was younger? And how I couldn't have children because of them?" He nodded yes. "Well," Kathy hesitated, "I was never in a car wreck." 

My Input: All good, all clear and easy to follow. Worth noting: You begin in past tense, then tell the backstory in present tense. Now let’s look at Ruthless Exclusion. Per Gordon Lish — father of Minimalism — we must weed out everything that’s not needed for the story to achieve its best effect. With that in mind, do we need to know about the colostomy and cancer? The mention bumps us out of scene for a moment, so perhaps just mention “his bag” and revisit the nature of the bag if it’s necessary. Likewise, why not just allow Kathy to lift the hem of her blouse, exposing the scars to the reader, and say, “I was never in a car wreck”? A little dialog will go a long way, and showing us the scars while saying a line that seems to contradict them will create tension and a better hook.

Bravo for starting in a scene and staying there.

Now for the bigger issue, you’re writing a transgressive story that must make a point that rises above transgression. Your eventual reveal is that BOTH people have scars and have lied about their history. With that in mind, can you cut this first paragraph to the basics? It’s the eve of their wedding… Kathy has scars she reveals… her fiance uses a bag. That’s all we need. If you remove all the extra set-up, do you see how you can provide that information — the cancer, the car accident, both of them (possibly) lies — in the middle of the story?

Do you see how a transgressive story must be about something larger? How otherwise it’s just a dirty joke? If you form a pattern — both people are lying — what does that demonstrate about how we all tailor our histories to attract a lover… yet we yearn for a lover who will accept us warts and all. In effect, we first exaggerate our virtues. Then exaggerate our vices. Always in a quest for true love.

Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” campaign is in full swing and Kathy, a rebellious teenager, lives in a small town with limited entertainment options. She starts smoking cigarettes, drinking beer, and dressing provocatively. She goes to the tanning parlor and starves herself to attract boys. Despite her parents' efforts to control her behavior, she rebels by having sex and neglecting her studies. They punish her by grounding her, taking her to church more, and enrolling her in counseling, but none of it seems to make a difference. 

My Input: Good job at naming the time period without using an abstract date. Nancy Reagan works. Beyond that, you go to summary very quickly. Too quickly? It might be too soon for a montage, also. Would you consider unpacking just one rebellious anecdote that involves the starving, the tanning and one boy? That would allow you to give them each specifics that will stay in the reader’s mind. Worth noting: You’re still in present tense.

Also, Kathy’s hunger for approval demonstrates her deep need to be loved. Not just fucked. And her on-going need to tell her fiance the truth is how she’s trying to test his love. Consider (for a moment) that the hog never fucked her. She might be lying to test her fiance’s love. He might likewise be testing her.

Thus, if you unpack the earlier lies — the car accident and the cancer — at the midpoint in this story, you demonstrate a history of lying. Do you see how doing that — stressing the lies — might bring the ultimate reveal into question? Thus, the reader can speculate that all of the sexual tall tales are just tests.

Specifics will give us something to hold onto: Objects, physical sensation — the tanning — the spoon she puts down her throat to vomit and become thin. Do remember how Hannibal Lector reads Clarice Starling in The Silence of the Lambs? Starling is wearing a necklace that consists of a few gold beads on a thin chain. As was the custom — Lector recognizes this — each bead had been given to her by a boyfriend to mark a session of heavy petting. Thus, her bumbling sexual history hangs around her neck, there for the world to recognize. Can you give Kathy a ring or something that will keep one or more boys present? As always, objects represent events and people. In the truth-telling scene, Kathy might also be fiddling with an engagement ring.

After exhausting all other options, her parents conclude that sending her to spend the summer on her uncle's pig farm might be the best solution. Her uncle is a traditional man who has served in the Vietnam War and often takes in troubled youth to teach them discipline and the importance of hard work. 

Kathy's jaw clenches and her fists ball at her sides as she steps onto the dusty ground of the pig farm. Her uncle greets her with a firm handshake before leading her to a small room with a twin bed and a window overlooking the pig pens. He then launches into a lengthy list of responsibilities, from feeding and cleaning up after the pigs, to fixing fences, and seeing that the sows are bred. 

My Input: Ah, now that you’re going into a flashback, you’re moving to present tense. Interesting. Worth noting: You’ve given us two paragraphs of summary before we’re actually in a flashback scene. As for Head Authority, can you unpack the duties of pig care? Now that you’ve settled into a scene, don’t shy away from using a little dialog to ground us. Or some on-the-body of smells and sounds to drive home Pig Farm.

Once we’re in flashback, events get a little linear. How about once you introduce Hamlet, you insert the fake car accident story? The depth and details of the car accident lie will demonstrate Kathy’s skill and devotion to lying.

Her uncle presents her to Hamlet, the main pig stud. The most fertile of them all. Kathy witnesses Hamlet sniffing a sow’s backside and foam at the mouth, and she is told that it is a sign of desire. She watches as Hamlet mounts the sow and sees his long corkscrew-shaped organ come out of his sheath to search for the sow’s honey hole. It has been a few days since Kathy last got fucked, and the thought of Hamlet’s dick made her body ache with desire. As she fantasizes about being taken by Hamlet, she could feel herself becoming wet and aroused. 

My Input: Watch out for filtering the world through Kathy. Phrases such as “Kathy witnesses” and “she is told” and “She watches” always remind the reader that this is a story. Instead, consider just depicting the element: “Hamlet sniffs a sow’s backside…” Instead of “the thought of Hamlet’s dick…” why not touch the object that represents the last boyfriend — a hickey on her neck, say — then give us some on-the-body sense of her nipples or wherever the arousal begins. “Her nipples stiffened to kiss the inside of her Forever 21 bra…”

Then, give us the fantasy. Boom. Unpack it. “She saw herself in the sawdust, on her back, legs spreads, her body squashed under the rutting weight of the boor…” Please, let’s not tip-toe around the raunch.

She feels discouraged at the farm with no boys or booze and fantasizes about Hamlet daily. When she's not tending to the pigs, she isolates herself in her dark room, indulging in junk food. As a result, her once bronzed skin becomes pale pink and her previously slender figure becomes plumper. 

My Input: Would you give us her favorite junk food? My grandfather raised pigs, and before taking them to market he’d haul home loads of stale Hostess baked treats. Twinkies, fruit pies, Ho-hos. These would add weight to pigs in a matter of hours, and for us kids it was ready access to sugary food. The pigs ate the Hostess snacks wrappers-and-all. Can you create a binge scene that unpacks one episode of eating and eating until even her class ring or promise rings become so tight Kathy can no longer remove them? She’s dusted with powdered sugar and sticky with fruit filling. Her tan fades as the rolls of fat hang down her thighs, the skin hidden under the rolls becomes a white that’s never seen the light of day.

Again, here in the middle of the story, would you somehow give us both Kathy’s unpacked car accident story and her fiance’s cancer story? Do you see how that would slow the linear plunge? It would also allow us to revisit the wedding’s eve envelop of the overall story.

As the summer wanes, her uncle informs her that he will be attending a swine breeding seminar out of town for a few days, leaving Kathy in charge of the farm. On the morning of the seminar, her uncle departs, and she heads to the barn to fulfill her feeding duties for the pigs. She watches as the boars gobble up their food. Unable to resist noticing Hamlet's huge balls, her hormones kick in, causing her to lose her inhibitions. 

My Input: If an early swain — that brash heavyweight wrestler from Revere High, who hollowed her out with a volley of pumping aboard the school bus after the Tri-State Semifinals — can be compared to Hamlet, then her pig lust will have a greater emotional authority. If not, can you suggest in some way what Kathy’s motive is for either telling such a sordid lie… or telling the truth, here?

As is stands, her pig lust is asking the reader to accept a lot on faith. Like the reality of the sandals bridges us to the reality of the angels in stained glass windows, you can use some more-relatable element — the wrestler — to seduce us into accepting pig-love-at-first-sight. Also, the details of the fiance’s cancer story will also show what’s really at stake.

No matter how well you unpack the pig sex, you must somehow suggest to the reader that what’s happening is that Kathy is risking all of her human dignity to test the true love of her fiance. And that eventually he’s playing the same game.

She guides Hamlet into a muddy empty pen, his movements becoming more urgent as he starts to foam at the mouth. She surrenders to her arousal and lays on her back, exposing her swollen honey-hole to Hamlet. He sniffs her eagerly, her body pressed against the rough wooden slats of the pen. 

My Input: If Harlequin Romances do a line of pig romances, you’ve got a job. Otherwise, why are you holding back? Instead of “urgent” and “arousal” why not go real? “The sheath of the pig’s penis stretched to its limit, then slid back, wrinkling around the base of the burning red glans…” If she can call Hamlet by the wrestler’s name, that would help your authority. To repeat, why are you becoming so coy? If you’re doing pig sex, do pig sex.

But no matter how real you make it, Kathy is making it real in order to test her fiance’s love. Whether this story is real or not, it’s the end of Kathy’s innocence.

Or, why not explore that this sex act is really the ultimate act of rebellion against her family and church? She’s trapped on a farm, and this is Kathy’s only way to push back. She’s not totally into getting dorked by a pig, but when in Rome… Kathy’s trying to test everyone’s love.

With his prickly fur and pointed tusks, Hamlet mounts her. She wraps one arm around him, clutching onto his rough knee from behind as she thrusts her hips towards him. With her thumb, she upturns her nose and oinks like the female pigs she has watched being bred all summer. She can sense her oinks are exciting Hamlet, as he thrusts faster and harder. He climaxes, spilling warm liquid onto her plump porcine flesh. Hamlet dismounts, leaving Kathy covered in mud and pig gravy. 

My Input: At the moment of deepest degradation, would you consider cutting to the car accident story? Nothing you depict can match what the reader can imagine, so why not bridge to the story she eventually invents about the scars?

A week later, as she returns to her parents' house, she feels ill and experiences intense abdominal cramps. She tries to brush it off as bad period pains, but the pain only intensifies over the next few days. She tells her parents, who rush her to the hospital. After several rounds of tests, doctors must bring in a veterinarian to properly diagnose what she has: C. trachomatis sus scrofa domesticus—Swine Chlamydia. The infection has spread to her reproductive tract, so an emergency hysterectomy is needed to save her life. 

My Input: Maybe this is where to bridge to the fiance’s cancer story?

“That's why I didn't tell you, I was afraid you would judge me," Kathy said. Her fiancée was taken aback, but he pulled her close and reassured her that he loved her no matter what. He even found the pig sex a little kinky, which made Kathy giggle. After she shared her shocking secret, he felt compelled to confess something to her as well. It only seemed fair. The reason for his need of a colostomy bag had not been due to cancer. Kathy's eyes widened in confusion and amazement. That's when her fiancée hit her with another revelation - and asked her if she recalled the headline about the man who got fucked in the ass by a donkey in a nearby town? Kathy nodded, remembering the gruesome story. “Didn't he die from his injuries?” she asked. “No, he did not” her fiancée replied. 

My Input: Simple lesson? If you can black-out on a gesture instead of dialog, do so. Imagine if the fiance simply shook his head slowly in the closing moment.

Still, all of this begs a bigger question, do the two shocking reveals offer enough?

How can you up the ante beyond shock, to show us a larger lesson? Do you see how you’ve begun a pattern but not taken to a larger observation? Let’s look at how being coy about the actual transgression robs your story of authority and power. If we had to really dig in and endure a degrading session (or six) of pig sex, then the way it’s shrugged off by the fiance would be devastating. In effect, it implies that the biggest burden of remorse we suffer to carry means nothing, nothing to others. If we really occupied Kathy’s body and endured the approach/avoidance of enjoying sex with a hog, then having that core memory dismissed would create an effect similar to the end of American Psycho. In effect, it’s what Alexander Pope always said, “Our anonymity is always guaranteed by the fact that no one really gives a shit about anything other than themselves.”¹ No one can forgive us because no one really cares what we do.

Here, let’s look at all the options:

• Kathy’s story is real, and she wants to know if he’ll love her despite the truth.

• Kathy’s story is a lie, and she want to know if he’ll love her despite all the lies she might tell.

• The fiance’s story is true, and he also wants proof of her love.

• The fiance’s story is a lie, and he wants proof of her love.

• Both the storytellers are into animal sex, thus they’ll have a great marriage.

• Neither is fazed by the other, because no single human really cares about other humans, only about themselves.

Okay, Vince? What’s it going to be? Can you give us a hint?

Are we close?

1. I paraphrase here.