Someone recently told me, “Bill Gates wouldn’t be the richest man in the world if someone killed him.” It was such an example of simple “shock authority” that my head spun. Can you cite similar examples?
- Percy Bysshe Shelley poem and the verse, “And on the pedestal these words appear: ‘My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'
The line from South Park always puts a smile on my face when I get screwed over or something terrible happens. Cartman screaming: "Next time let me put on some lipstick so I at least look pretty the next time you try and fuck me!"
Sadly, yes. During the beginning of the pandemic, I saw someone comment they if they didn't have something, they could take what they needed from people because they had guns.
I recently told a writer friend "We're going to be Okay. Look at Edgar Allen Poe. He literally died in a gutter and now look at him! We're going to be just fine."
Oh! Alfred Hitchcock. Answering the question "How do you keep your marriage going?" "My wife and I never discuss divorce. Divorce is simply not an option. Murder, yes. But not divorce." Something like that
When Conan had his famous meltdown on The Tonight Show ripping everybody live on air about the Leno move, and then the next night on the show he goes “They told me I couldn’t talk about the execs tonight. But they didn’t say I couldn’t SING about them!” And then just starts singing over and over “Morons! Morons! Morons!”
“OK” is the anthem of the butt-hurt. (My own saying.)
“‘In the end, the problem disappears,’ said the old lady who crapped in the sink.” (A line I loved from the book “My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She's Sorry” by Fredrik Backman.
“Nothing perpetuates stupidly more so than unsubstantiated conspiracy theories. Have any of these armchair intellectuals ever considered that what happened to J.F.K. was the result of an underlying medical condition?”
Girlfriend: Why do you watch Porn? Me: Because they don't complain. While this sounds like a statement from a skinny whiteboy with no skills, the greater question is if in context the girlfriend can rise to the level of Authority, that of Gates, JFK, Hitler, Gramma, etc
How's this for off the cuff and stoned .....I got a phone call at work. My sister told me to sit down and I told her I did. She told me that my son's babysitter had passed away. I wish I had actually sat, because I screamed "That's impossible! She's watching my kids!" True story. My kids were about 2 months old and 19 months soooooooooooo yeah........
Life is all about perspective; I have a friend who has sex daily, reads two books a week, and exercises often, but all he does is complain about how much he hates prison.
Wondering if a book’s title ever accomplishes shock authority. Want to nominate Brian Fawcett’s “Cambodia: A book (stories) for people who find television too slow” 1986, Vancouver, BC. It doubles a bit as gloating but is accurate.
I'm fascinated with your Shock Authority concept. It looks like examples of it are very similar to a joke, structurally, where there is a punch at the end. And the reaction you want is a mixture of laughter and "wow, they really just said that."
Same vein but “No one would run for office if people kept killing them.”
How about, "My father showed me how to hurt a man one August night at the Torch Drive-In when I was seven years old."
On a timeline the t-Rex is closer to the iPhone than to the stegosaurs
Interesting.
Makes me think of several things.
- In sports, “Father Time is undefeated.”
- Percy Bysshe Shelley poem and the verse, “And on the pedestal these words appear: ‘My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away."
Heavy lies the crown and nothing lasts forever.
Me: “Let me introduce you to my first wife.”
Her: lasers for eyes
If it ain't broke, break it.
"I'll burn that bridge when I come to it."
My favorite is: it’s funny because it’s true.
Love or hate Hitler, he did kill Hitler.
My mother lecturing me about the fluid associated with gonorrhea at the dinner table over a meal of creamy beef stroganoff. I was 12
Larry King once said, "Anyone can be famous. You just have to murder somebody."
Ima throw some stuff at the wall and see if it sticks:
- “I doubt your fiancé would stick by you if your face got disfigured or your back broke. Definitely not if you had both ailments.”
- “Is it a conflict of interest if someone who’s pro-life also happens to be a misogynist?”
- “My son signed his suicide note, ‘I’ve never liked anyone more than myself and I like myself this much’.”
- “I hate conflict but I also don’t like humanity. I’m kinda on the fence when it comes to the topic of war.”
- “Maman died today. Or yesterday maybe; I don’t know.”
(Last one was monsieur Camus.)
"Once you're dead you're made for life"
People always get weirded out when I mumble I'm off my meds.
You could use the "...if somebody killed [them]" line for practically anyone.
The line from South Park always puts a smile on my face when I get screwed over or something terrible happens. Cartman screaming: "Next time let me put on some lipstick so I at least look pretty the next time you try and fuck me!"
TV Reporter: "What does it tell you that a young athlete takes this drug and dies?"
Truant boy: "Man, you have got to built up to that dose."
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. (Forgot till just now this is Vonnegut.)
Can we quote you too?
Her: you remind me of my third husband.
Him: how many times have you been married?
Her: twice.
My Gramma always said "after a big meal you have to wait at least 30 minutes before swimming or anal"
A lady comedian said "Of course I'm masochistic. I'm a female comedian. I don't even like myself."
Sadly, yes. During the beginning of the pandemic, I saw someone comment they if they didn't have something, they could take what they needed from people because they had guns.
I recently told a writer friend "We're going to be Okay. Look at Edgar Allen Poe. He literally died in a gutter and now look at him! We're going to be just fine."
Those that live die 100% of the time.
Oh! Alfred Hitchcock. Answering the question "How do you keep your marriage going?" "My wife and I never discuss divorce. Divorce is simply not an option. Murder, yes. But not divorce." Something like that
When Conan had his famous meltdown on The Tonight Show ripping everybody live on air about the Leno move, and then the next night on the show he goes “They told me I couldn’t talk about the execs tonight. But they didn’t say I couldn’t SING about them!” And then just starts singing over and over “Morons! Morons! Morons!”
“OK” is the anthem of the butt-hurt. (My own saying.)
“‘In the end, the problem disappears,’ said the old lady who crapped in the sink.” (A line I loved from the book “My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She's Sorry” by Fredrik Backman.
Dorothy Parker's “Résumé"
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.”
My father-in-law was physically incapable of driving past a cemetery without saying, I hear that’s a great cemetery. People are just dying to get in.
Coco Chanel: The best things in life are free. The second best are very expensive."
“I know exactly what happens after you die-
You’re found.”
-Norm MacDonald
A line my guy lives by and has followed through on. " Everyone feels invincible until you fuck their father / mother / sister / and or brother."
“Nothing perpetuates stupidly more so than unsubstantiated conspiracy theories. Have any of these armchair intellectuals ever considered that what happened to J.F.K. was the result of an underlying medical condition?”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
Hmmm. Don’t know if it applies but I’ve always liked this one.
“I’m not gay, but 20 dollars is 20 dollars.”
When you kiss someone, you create an unbroken tube from your butthole to theirs. (Not original, but it did make me think...)
Oh! A joke: Why aren't there any jokes about the Jonestown Massacre? Because the punch line is too long.
From a friend: "We should frack Yellowstone."
There wouldn’t be any mortgage debt if everyone defaulted.
By the way, did you know that Marla Singer and Teddy Gammell have the same phone number?? You DID know — didn’t you…
*Removes tin foil hat from carrying case.*
https://images.app.goo.gl/QqAAm1SGZBv6H9Vx7
Girlfriend: Why do you watch Porn? Me: Because they don't complain. While this sounds like a statement from a skinny whiteboy with no skills, the greater question is if in context the girlfriend can rise to the level of Authority, that of Gates, JFK, Hitler, Gramma, etc
How's this for off the cuff and stoned .....I got a phone call at work. My sister told me to sit down and I told her I did. She told me that my son's babysitter had passed away. I wish I had actually sat, because I screamed "That's impossible! She's watching my kids!" True story. My kids were about 2 months old and 19 months soooooooooooo yeah........
Life is all about perspective; I have a friend who has sex daily, reads two books a week, and exercises often, but all he does is complain about how much he hates prison.
You fit into me like a hook into an eye, a fish hook, an open eye. Margaret Atwood
A lot of old time jokes fit this mold:
For instance, take my wife. Please.
He's such a treasure. Let's bury him.
After a terrible trip to China several years ago my friends asked me how it went. From out of nowhere this line appeared as an instant response:
"If I were a bird, I'd shit all over Shanghai."
Works for any city after a bid vacation. Pause for effect after "bird."
Wondering if a book’s title ever accomplishes shock authority. Want to nominate Brian Fawcett’s “Cambodia: A book (stories) for people who find television too slow” 1986, Vancouver, BC. It doubles a bit as gloating but is accurate.
I'm fascinated with your Shock Authority concept. It looks like examples of it are very similar to a joke, structurally, where there is a punch at the end. And the reaction you want is a mixture of laughter and "wow, they really just said that."
I can't think of any good examples, sorry.