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Fucking brilliant. Just finished HoL too. Such a beautiful book.

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This bothers me now. Thanks.

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Same vein but “No one would run for office if people kept killing them.”

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Welcome to (insert nation here).

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How about, "My father showed me how to hurt a man one August night at the Torch Drive-In when I was seven years old."

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Dec 29, 2021·edited Dec 29, 2021Author

Donald Ray. Good story.

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Yes! That was from the first story in Knockemstiff. Such a brutal story. The thing I remember most was toward the end where Don describe blood in the kid's mouth as being like syrup.

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On a timeline the t-Rex is closer to the iPhone than to the stegosaurs

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No, wait. That disrupts a huge chunk of my childhood dino lore.

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The Land Before Time lied to us all

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Makes me think of several things.

- In sports, “Father Time is undefeated.”

- Percy Bysshe Shelley poem and the verse, “And on the pedestal these words appear: ‘My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'

Nothing beside remains. Round the decay

Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare

The lone and level sands stretch far away."

Heavy lies the crown and nothing lasts forever.

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What's that they say in Afghanistan? "You have the watches, but we have the time" ?

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Me: “Let me introduce you to my first wife.”

Her: lasers for eyes

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Priceless.

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Oh dear. That was shock authority.

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founding

Also by your friend: ""Keep in mind, whenever you hear some blow-hard droning on about some flat earth false flag theory, most likely he used to be incredibly hot."

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I'm dying to figure out who you are. Messin' with me! lol

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Perfect for any headstone.

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Relatable. I once told mine that she looked good that day. All she heard was 'that day'.

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If it ain't broke, break it.

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Who says it ain't already broke?

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Everything is at least a little broken, Chuck. My father always told me "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" but what can't be improved by a little creative destruction?

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You're a student of Alexander McQueen! Love it. It doesn't matter how it looks, it's how you wear it and sell it!

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"I'll burn that bridge when I come to it."

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Okay, but the shock works best if the twist comes in the final word or words.

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Yes sir, point taken, lol...

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My favorite is: it’s funny because it’s true.

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Always. There's that truth that relieves all the tension in the moment. It's why we laugh after sex.

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Or cry

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Are you sure you're doing it the right way?

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How about: "There are only two types of people. Those who laugh or cry after sex."

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Oh don’t you worry

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Love or hate Hitler, he did kill Hitler.

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Too soon!

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WONDERFUL Ding, ding ding!

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I'm already morphing it re: Hemingway.

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How do you kill yourself? Slowly at first, then very quickly.

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Fitzgerald's quote about falling into poverty.

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(Cancel culture has left the chat)

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My mother lecturing me about the fluid associated with gonorrhea at the dinner table over a meal of creamy beef stroganoff. I was 12

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Hah! That's the Second Grader joke, "What do you call a bull masturbating?"

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Larry King once said, "Anyone can be famous. You just have to murder somebody."

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The Right Somebody. It's no use killing someone obscure.

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That line was brilliant. Such a callow parallel. Amy rocks.

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It's from the story 'The Harvest' by Amy Hempel. Incredible story.

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Very Barthelme-y

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What's that from. Sounds brilliant

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However, killing a lot of nobodies turns you into somebody.

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Ima throw some stuff at the wall and see if it sticks:

- “I doubt your fiancé would stick by you if your face got disfigured or your back broke. Definitely not if you had both ailments.”

- “Is it a conflict of interest if someone who’s pro-life also happens to be a misogynist?”

- “My son signed his suicide note, ‘I’ve never liked anyone more than myself and I like myself this much’.”

- “I hate conflict but I also don’t like humanity. I’m kinda on the fence when it comes to the topic of war.”

- “Maman died today. Or yesterday maybe; I don’t know.”

(Last one was monsieur Camus.)

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Hmmmmm... you need to keep throwing.

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Round 2:

- “It’s not me, it’s you. You bore me.”

- “Don’t you have to be funny to be a comedian?”

- “Takes about a hundred years for someone whose not famous to be forgotten. Crazy to think that you’ll be forgotten in half that time, huh?”

- “Considering you survived the suicide attempt, I see what you mean about being a failure.”

- “Oh, those two are your parents? Makes sense.”

- “I was having a lousy morning and was told around lunch that my co-worker who hadn’t turned up for their morning shift had been involved in a car crash and had died. That news cheered me up some.”

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Much improved.

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Chuck, if any of these are bathos please tell me so I can kurb that shit.

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In this case, it should be bathos. You get very little authority by making people sad.

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That's why we don't have stand-up tragedy.

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Clearly you’ve never seen James Corden perform

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That... completely makes sense. Guess I was a little weary of bathos due to the example(s) you gave on that interview not so long ago. Though, of course, the context was different.

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I like that suicide note one.

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"Once you're dead you're made for life"

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People always get weirded out when I mumble I'm off my meds.

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You could use the "...if somebody killed [them]" line for practically anyone.

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Exactly. That's the stickiness. People will adopt the saying for their own use.

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It feels like a super power if you can pull it off.

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The line from South Park always puts a smile on my face when I get screwed over or something terrible happens. Cartman screaming: "Next time let me put on some lipstick so I at least look pretty the next time you try and fuck me!"

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Already stealing this for personal use.

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He said something like that to his mom when she didn't buy him something he wanted. Classic.

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TV Reporter: "What does it tell you that a young athlete takes this drug and dies?"

Truant boy: "Man, you have got to built up to that dose."

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From "Deliver Us Not Into Penn Station". Dude, I saw your Christmas dessert. Nice.

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Damn you're good, Amy Hempel scholar. Thanks! I can make you one. Bakewell tart.

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Just saw the picture.

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Oh man this reminded me of a show I saw once. It was one of those reality cable TLC shows where they exploit addicts. This guy’s best friend had just overdosed and they were interviewing him next to the grave after they laid the body in the ground. They asked him what he was thinking and he said “Man I’m just wondering where he got that shit.”

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True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. (Forgot till just now this is Vonnegut.)

Can we quote you too?

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Now I'll be quoting you.

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I don’t think I’ve ever said anything profound enough to be quoted.

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Kid, if I can do this shit. It's easy.

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So… On a long enough timeline I’ll say something profound enough to be quoted.

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We are each one of the infinite number of monkeys in front of an infinite number of typewriters.

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Her: you remind me of my third husband.

Him: how many times have you been married?

Her: twice.

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My Gramma always said "after a big meal you have to wait at least 30 minutes before swimming or anal"

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That made my whole household laugh aloud. It starts sweet. Creates an expectation. Then subverts while mixing food with the profane. Excellent. A full lesson.

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Very flattered... That's one of my own. The key to it being funny is that it's MY gramma. It would be totally different if it was just some obscure elderly woman or worse yet a young person.

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Exactly. It sounds sage and sweet, then -- blam.

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This is something that David Sedaris is a master of. I'm not sure if it's his joke but when I saw him in Petaluma years ago he said that he'd been volunteering at The Tempura House (it was a halfway home for lightly battered women).

Genius.

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Only he could get away with that. "Art is what you can get away with," Warhol.

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The fact that your Gramma said this is just fabulous. Bravo.

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What about anal during swimming?

Does that still take 30 minutes or is there a combo deal?

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Show some respect! The woman was a saint!

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Yeah, T.g. were you raised in a barn? By wolves?

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Mostly in trains, due to train hopping at a very early age and surviving off dog food on white bread. Now things are interesting because I can cook well and sip espresso all day.

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I was speaking in general. You can't give sage advice without giving all the "what-if s"

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Was that a warning or a threat?

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Let's just say my bubby knew me better than I knew myself, at that age.

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A lady comedian said "Of course I'm masochistic. I'm a female comedian. I don't even like myself."

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Sadly, yes. During the beginning of the pandemic, I saw someone comment they if they didn't have something, they could take what they needed from people because they had guns.

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I recently told a writer friend "We're going to be Okay. Look at Edgar Allen Poe. He literally died in a gutter and now look at him! We're going to be just fine."

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Given the choice, I'll take my happiness during my lifetime.

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Those that live die 100% of the time.

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Golly, who died and made you Camus?

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I avoid him like the plague.

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You're now the #1 suspect in his car "accident."

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Goddammit, it's 2.30 at night here and I'm sitting next to an SPo2-monitor with the worst beep since the Nokia tune. Apparently I'm now also staying up diving into the rabbit hole of a car crash I never knew happened. Still, thanks for the content, Chuck.

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Go to bed. The car crash also killed his publisher. Lots of speculation. Happy nightmares.

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I'll try. I'll sleep better in the morning when my shift is over and my girl stays with the kid. Thanks, Chuck. I'm glad the publisher is dead too.

Sleep tight.

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Oh! Alfred Hitchcock. Answering the question "How do you keep your marriage going?" "My wife and I never discuss divorce. Divorce is simply not an option. Murder, yes. But not divorce." Something like that

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When Conan had his famous meltdown on The Tonight Show ripping everybody live on air about the Leno move, and then the next night on the show he goes “They told me I couldn’t talk about the execs tonight. But they didn’t say I couldn’t SING about them!” And then just starts singing over and over “Morons! Morons! Morons!”

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“OK” is the anthem of the butt-hurt. (My own saying.)

“‘In the end, the problem disappears,’ said the old lady who crapped in the sink.” (A line I loved from the book “My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She's Sorry” by Fredrik Backman.

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Dorothy Parker's “Résumé"

Razors pain you,

Rivers are damp,

Acids stain you,

And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren't lawful,

Nooses give,

Gas smells awful.

You might as well live.”

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Hey I recited this on the podcast. "You Might as Well Live" is also the title of a good biography about Parker.

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What podcast?

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I did three trial podcasts with Chelsea Cain. Called "Smart Asses" I think.

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OH! Just yesterday Youtube suggested an interview that shocked me to death! Being sewn into a dead horse after you've been stripped naked and slipped ketamine. Really!!?

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Don't knock it until you've tried it.

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Said the child of the 70s.

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With a deceitfully sweet and calm voice the speaker talks about a story where a veterinarian gets stripped after getting a hit of Ketamine and he's shoved into a cold dead horse and the cold, naked, scared man has to birth himself out of the thing...I mean really. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKE3KCMwyhc

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Thank you so much! I will definitely listen.

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Wonderful podcast. "The golden age of the quaaludes." Getting locked in a pharmacy sounds fantastic. All I can do now as a straight-edge punk is fantasize. Hmmmm...I realize I've been popping off at the mouth on here and saying a lot of, um, things without a care in the world and now I'm wondering how many people in this particular group have serious names of consequence and are looking at me with irritation and slight annoyance.

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And your advice about owning the room. My child-boss a Levi's gave me wonderful advice about landing a dream job. Own the room at a job interview. Make up a presentation and ask your interviewers "If you wouldn't mind, may I go through a presentation I have demonstrating my qualifications, portfolio and how it pertains to the job opportunity and responsibilities today? May I begin or would you like to? I've only started to do this and I have gotten fantastic responses. I wish that type of advice was put out there more! I can only imagine the jobs I would have gotten when I was younger.

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My father-in-law was physically incapable of driving past a cemetery without saying, I hear that’s a great cemetery. People are just dying to get in.

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You and I had the same father.

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"Know how many people are dead in there?... All of em!"

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Anyone can be a father, but it takes real cornball jokes to be a dad.

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When I was a kid, a mate's dad used to say (every time we drove past a cemetery): "This is the dead centre of town."

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Reminds me of my grandmother. She moved in next to a small cemetery and never missed an opportunity to tell us how quiet the neighbors were.

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Erma Bombeck had a one-liner. "Once we rented a house between two cemeteries. You never get that lucky a second time in one life."

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Coco Chanel: The best things in life are free. The second best are very expensive."

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“I know exactly what happens after you die-

You’re found.”

-Norm MacDonald

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A line my guy lives by and has followed through on. " Everyone feels invincible until you fuck their father / mother / sister / and or brother."

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Or dog. (metaphorically)

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I've never heard that metaphor. Though due to some legal classes I took I learned that a lot of places make it a simple misdemeanor to fuck a corpse or animal.

Actually, I think recently animals were given a bit more rights in that area and now it's technically a felony to diddle a dag. Corpses though... Have to fend for themselves.

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I was referring to the John Wick movie where they get him out of retirement by killing his puppy! A puppy!

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oddly enough, i don't watch many movies anymore, but john wick / k.r. is always wholesome and amazing to watch

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The knife scene in the second one was to die for.

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“Nothing perpetuates stupidly more so than unsubstantiated conspiracy theories. Have any of these armchair intellectuals ever considered that what happened to J.F.K. was the result of an underlying medical condition?”

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What was he doing having the secret service drive him into those bullets?

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Bullets? Nonsense! What happened to J.F.K.’s head was the result of his underlying medical condition. Do your research. Educate yourself.

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You're saying it was more of an inflamed cyst or pimple on his scalp?? An ingrown hair? In my teen years I'd swallow that, but it seems less likely at his age. Explain please???

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A carbuncle, maybe?

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It was rare STD given to him by Marilyn Monroe (Yeah, guess what killer her in the end, too.) I thought this was public knowledge? Y’all need to reed a book or two.

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Didn't she die first? And her head did not rupture.

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1.) Yes, she did die first. This is how they figured out for certain that the relationship between them did happen after J.F.K died of the same ailment.

2.) Didn’t it, Chuck? Didn’t it?

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CIA file opened on you, mister lives-in-England-for-a-reason.

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They told me they usually relocate individuals to Argentina but—No, no, wait. I mean—I mean I was born here. Yeah. Fish an’ Chips, mate. ‘S all apples ‘n’ pairs ‘ere ‘n ‘ngland; which ‘app’ns ta be where a spent me ‘ole loife.

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We're chim-chim-i-ney watching you, bloke.

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Dec 29, 2021·edited Dec 29, 2021

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.

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Okay, laughed until wine stained the sofa. Hate you now.

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et tu, crudites?

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I don't know why that's so funny to me.

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Hmmm. Don’t know if it applies but I’ve always liked this one.

“I’m not gay, but 20 dollars is 20 dollars.”

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When you kiss someone, you create an unbroken tube from your butthole to theirs. (Not original, but it did make me think...)

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A concept worth fapping to.

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Why does it seems like Chuck fapped to all those Human Centipede movies? XD

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Ugh ugh ugh.

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Did I go too far? Yeah, I think I crossed the line. My apologies.

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