174 Comments

*unzips harness and loosens ball gag*

Okay. :(

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...."unzips up"?.....wtf?.... If "unzip" is "down", isn't "unzips up" up?.....wtf?....

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Oh. Typo.

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Bad robot!

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To prove you’re not a robot too can you select all the images that show feet?

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Non-responsive. Please just answer the question. Did you "zip up" the harness, or "unzip" it?..... Sorry, look, I just can't get the ball-gag out of the mouth of my mind's eye, until I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW, you know?....thnx, ttyl!....

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So I fell for it....

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No Hawaii for you!!!

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Fat chance of that, heading to airport now.....

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The Deep Fake You has already checked in and taken your seat.

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They won' let me check in online, I gotta see an agent so don't jinx me. Lol

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Yeah, so don't kill the messenger. When the "ticket agent" asks you to step into the soundproof room, you'll wish you'd listened to Chuck.

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I so want in now. It's a story to be written lol

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Wait, so who is it I’ve been sexting all day, then?

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You're being reproduced for Deep Fake Porn. Soon you'll click and find yourself doing the unimaginable.

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Hey, famous is famous.

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That's the spirit!

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Damn it! Who are all my nude photos going to then?

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Feb 5, 2023·edited Feb 6, 2023Author

Have you seen the Susan Dey movie 'Looker'? The immodest tagline is a lovely Dey screaming, "They're killing all the girls who are perfect!"

Well, soon the Stepford Wives Deep Fake You will arrive at your house and assume your life.

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I have not seen it and apparently the U.I. is glitching. I will watch it. My Deep Fake is in for it. Bitch better know how to work!

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Albert Finney plays the good guy.

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Hmmm. I hope "Looker" is viewable. I recently watch "Midsommar" and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm low key obsessed. It has everything. Crazy, funny, terror...

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Last night I watched "My Friend Dahmer" and was saddened to see Anne Heche playing a crazy person.

Like Betty Buckley and Margot Kidder weren't available?

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LOL. Where is Kathy Bates when we need her!? She rocks the wheels off her roles. Highly recommend Midsommer. I found "Looker" on Tubi! Watching it now...

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I don’t live far from the house they filmed it in.

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Would a modern day version of ‘The Stepford Wives’ not just be a story about men who create idealised versions of their perfect woman in the virtual world? It’d be like JOI from ‘Blade Runner: 2049’. It’s one thing to be replaced by a robot but to be replaced by a screen? That’s horrifying AND depressing.

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Welcome to my life. No, really, that OnlyFans person really likes me.

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Of course they do! And you know what would make them like you even more? If you gave them large sums of your money! Oh me oh my, they would just love you for that!

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Stop. You're making our love sound sordid and mercenary. People can't fake love when that little light is blinking and said person is writhing around like a freshly skimmed eel on a bed of hot salt. You can't understand.

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I'm going to need a lot more subscribers.

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I’ve read enough Dennis Cooper to know love when I see it. This ain’t it, chief.

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Sounds like we should send a relentless number of sexy bare feet picks to this number.

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Too bad I finally got my athlete’s foot under control...not that I’m an athlete or anything

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Unfortunately, my toenail has finally grown back after the bathroom renovation last year

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Don't forget to use a Google Dialer (Google Voice).

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And here I was thinking that you had something of importance that you wished to share with me, and only me, because I’m just that special. Sigh.

Wait until Irvine Welsh hears about this (we’ve been in contact ever since he messaged me a couple of years back asking if I’d like to finance the ink and paper required for printing out drafts of his work).

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I know, right? I've been footing Channing Tatum's supplement bill for years.

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You too?!

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Yeah, but The Chan and I have "an soul-mate everlasting love four the ages that time and disdance can't weaken." He writes that all the time.

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Oh yeah? Well, me and my Chateyum-yum have something that could rival the love story of Romeo and Juliet. As a matter of fact, he’s told me that as soon he’s done working on his current film project he’s gonna fly me over to Serbia first class and treat me like the king I am. You think what you have is special? Pullease! Back off, hoe.

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All this time I thought I joined a cult.

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And if our group can't plan an honest, close, suicide pact then I don't know what I'm paying for.

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Very funny, Chuck. But I fell for it, too. I even apologized for being a Debbie Downer.

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Did anything happen? I don't think I'd ever use the word 'Beneficial.'

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That's exactly what I thought. The e-mail was worded weirdly. You'd think scammers now would be more creative but no, just lazy.

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The 'virtual Chuck' should do some research.

"Hello you, as CHARLES KING OF ENGLAND I bring your attention to the hungry need for funds needed by the needy ashore and abroad..."

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That’s the EXACT text we all got on the day of his coronation. Weird.

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And you ought to be ashamed of how you've treat that one prince, the naked one who wore the Nazi get-up. Who killed all those people. And now you've banished him to, what, living with Oprah Winfrey? It's like if Paul Rudnick wrote Shakespeare. What an unfeeling lot you commoners are!

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Rules is rules. Commoner or royalty -- three strikes and your out; banished over seas to live the remainder of your days with Oprah Winfrey. This is justice at work.

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Beneficial to share would be you sharing your number duh

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My eyes could have done without seeing the thumbnail for this post. Or the thumbnail in the thumbnail for this post, I should say.

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Feb 5, 2023·edited Feb 6, 2023Author

Made you look.

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Great article!! Thank you!

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My robot liked you.

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Dude, I AGONIZED over your word choice--particularly 'beneficial'--along with your lack of proper punctuation. Alas, fake Chuck hasn't texted back. I thought maybe you were testing my patience. Maybe tomorrow you'd let me, and me alone, in on what Mr. Musk had told you about GPT-4.

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Tomorrow, alas, you won't be you.

The Deep Fake You is already en route. But don't fret, we made you perfect in every way.

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As an islander I’m a SPAM enthusiast and chef. I currently trade my spam fried rice in batches for hair cuts with my hair guy, baby sitting and sometimes rides places. I’ll give you my recipe if you ever need a solid SPAM currency.

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Mike would kill you and I, both. There's still six cans of "turkey" Spam in the cabinet. Nasty stuff. I want the real stuff that comes after the last page in 'Charlotte's Web.'

Speaking off, the words in the spider web are a fine example of "the impossible detail' that catalyzes the plot.

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Haha! Turkey SPAM should be used to make a slurry that is shaped into new reefs for the ocean and covered in concrete.

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It's used in fracking to force the natural gas to the surface.

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If you were Wilbur and had Charlotte as a friend, what would she write about you in her spider web?

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Just had got home from having dinner with Krissy where we each ordered a piece of cheesecake for desert. When the server brought one I instantly freaked at the thought of not getting to eat an entire piece of cheesecake. Charlotte would write “Beware Hungry Monster” for me.

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I love how you and Krissy are besties now. Cheesecake eatin' and soon, gun-shooting besties! Haha

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I love that I found my bestie here! We’re two weirdos cut from the same jizz rag haha also we’re coordinating outfits for gun day. It’s going to be amazing!

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Btw salty goodness for the whole family! https://www.spam.com/recipes/spam-tacos

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Feb 5, 2023Liked by Chuck Palahniuk

A couple of things...

1. That toenail picture. I've lost both big toenails at different times. They've since grown back.

2. Fried Spam is amazing. Truly.

3. I just came across a 7-year-old video on YouTube of you reading "Fight Club 4 Kids" and... I'm pretty sure I came close to dying from laughter. So thanks

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Those rascals at Buzz Feed. The year after taping that, they pitched me a fake commercial. It was for a virtual reality Fight Club app. The taping involved me walking down crowded Manhattan streets wearing a headset while slugging away at myself. In public. I politely declined.

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I don't blame you. That sounds... well... cringe. 😆

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It kills me when Chuck says, "Yeah, I wrote Fight Club...and that's pretty much it."

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I just saw your name dropped in a click-bait about worst date stories (your story inspired one of the Top 100! ;) Does that count? haha I could share it if anyone is really interested.

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The title of the story was "Chuck Palahniuk eat your heart out!" ;)

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Link me!!

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Number 50 with a bullet! ;)

https://www.factinate.com/experience/dating-is-terrifying/amp/

Thanks for turbocharging my research abilities :)

BTW this was not the same site I read this morning, but that story and title are the same. Enjoy!

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Thank God it's not about me. A stranger once set me up with a player on the Boston Celtics. Not naming names. This matchmaker said, "You'd be perfect together." Since then I live in fear that an account of that date will surface. It was hate-at-first-sight.

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They might still be looking for more stories! ;) Yours would be better than all of those. I'm sure we've all had our dating disasters.

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But do you really want to make them public?

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"Not naming names."

Was it Larry Bird?

Be honest Chuck, was it Larry the Legend?

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Not going there. Look what "Spare" did to that poor bird who snogged with the prince? She's on the cover of the Daily Mail, today.

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