108 Comments
founding

It's just crazy enough to work!

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Okay, now how to make it crazier? As a WGA member I'm not supposed to do pitch meetings at present, so this is just a fun, pie-in-the-sky idea, but someday...

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founding

Maybe the cover should be matte, instead of glossy. So as to eliminate any risk of glare obscuring the wealth-signaling when they shield their faces from the paparazzi.

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That last paragraph nearly gave me hope. Nearly.

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author

Ye of little faith. You probably hung back and told William Wallace, "Good luck, dude, but the blue eye shadow is supposed to go ABOVE the eyes."

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Actually I told him that kilts make for poor lower defence armour, but that’s beside the point

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author

Tell him "Dude, I can see your sporran." I think that's supposed to go on the INSIDE.

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Jul 8, 2023·edited Jul 10, 2023Liked by Chuck Palahniuk

It still needs the illusion of caring about regular people, and the environment. All about optics. Which was a big part of the story I just got as finished as I can at my current skill level.

The newest one is my best premise yet, and biggest endeavor. Starts with a nonfiction device that reveals some big parts of plot. Gonna be 3 different voices. Narrator, Martyr, Jerk, of course. One of those is going to be a narrative cookbook. Already got some to study. Exciting stuff.

Edit: I said this the wrong way. The passive character, the aggressive character, and the one that survives the tale are all going to narrate, and have different versions of events. Gonna be a great exercise in voice. Right now Im torturing the passive character in some very fun ways. Geoff deserves to be punished for having no balls.

Also, Im establishing a social order.

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founding

I'm in! Consider this my applecation ass copy editor.

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Let’s do this.

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author

YOU get a corner office in our virtual headquarters. With a WOOD desk!

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author

Virtual wood desk.

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Spitballing is all Im good for.

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author

In the words of Richard Bach (author: Jonathan Livingston Seagull, duh) "If you argue for your limitations you'll get them."

Thnik big.

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Higher expectations=higher performance. Especially when it comes from outside. Coaches are a thing for a reason. We all create arbitrary limitations for ourselves. Always in the form of some bullshit narrative.

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author

Okay. Now you're in charge of sourcing us some virtual "Successory" posters to hang on the walls of our virtual meeting rooms.

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Shit. I broke the first rule of every job. Never exceed expectations or suffer extra responsibility without extra pay.

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Where do I sign up? I’ll have my assistant call.

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author

Have your virtual people call my vitual people.

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This is sounding a bit like Amway. I’m in, dude!

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founding

Hahaha. Good one.

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author

Counting the moments until we meet in Pittsburgh.

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founding

We Gottah hit up the Warhol Museum!! (Like you’re gonna have time…but I can wish!)

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author

Yes! But with an inverted pyramid, whereby all of our benefit bears down on a tiny number of rich-rich people. What could go wrong?!

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Except them stealing the idea for themselves? Nothing. It’s perfect! How’s about we make the pages printed on gold leaf encrusted papyrus penned in Sumi ink? Got any of that lying around?

https://youtu.be/GSuFSYY-X9w

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I just realized this is right up your alley as the pages would be so delicate they’d have to be destroyed to be read. Like the gift boxes with the bows you sent out. Once each edition of the magazine is sent out, unless the person never reads it it will eventually fall apart. Your empire will be in destruction.

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author

That's called "self composting" like the human body. All that gut biom has to go somewhere.

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author

Okay, need you to source good biodegradable, sustainably harvested gold. I'll need you to report back on the virtual footprint of our best option.

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I discovered that the deceaseds teeth are not a good source of gold.

https://youtu.be/eR-C4LXj4wU

Working on it.

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Think of all the scratch-n-sniff perfumes we could add!

The Essence of Ozone.

Smoke of the Amazon.

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Sweat of the shop

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author

Oh ye of little faith.

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founding

That is so good! Pick out the worst smells ever and get them sniffing. Maybe something to tear gas the jet. Going to be a long ride to Tokyo folks.

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author

But... no one will ever even open the issue. Except to block their face will being frog marched into a NYC courtroom.

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author

I loved those cards?

In the go-go 80s and grunge 90s, the entry-level job of removing perfume cards and subscription cards from new magazines was known as "deboning" the issue. Love that term.

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That would imply the person who adds these cards is a “boner.” We need a virtual boner.

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author

In the bad old days the Intern was actually the "bonee." Just saying.

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Ever wake up on the morning and wish you could debone the stranger asleep next to you? No? Me neither.

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It could feature a section consisting entirely of paparazzi photos of people seen reading it. To get in the section is desirable, so you have to buy it to have a copy to be seen reading. Then you have to buy it again to see if you're in it, reading the copy you bought before.

Incorporate a sense of shame about being papped reading an old issue and we'll have created the sense of desperate paranoia and anxiety needed to sell this sort of thing in no time.

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author

I can already see the infinity of covers featuring covers featuring covers of the same celeb receding into the vast distance of tiny images. Tom, you're in charge of that issue.

Look at me, I'm already delegating!

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founding

It will be like the current Wine spectator. No need for anything but placeholder text.

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author

Please, do not refer to our lovely fiction as placeholder anything. These stories are like our... children.

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founding

Consider this my application, I'm in.

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author

And you get a virtual private bathroom in your virtual executive suite on the virtual 60th floor of our virtual Market Street tower in Virtual San Francisco. Enjoy!

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author

The virtual view is to die for.

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Having ended up working PR on a job adjacent to billionaire ***** builders for a brief period, this whole post is scarily accurate.

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author

Embrace the scary. Please add those builders to our contact list.

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Exquisite! I used the first issue to line my California Condor's cage. He promptly shat all over it. All my neighbors want to know where to buy their own copy.

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author

Secret? If they're rich enough we can gift them a subscription, just to get exposure.

And we're sending you a virtual condor to virtually shit.

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You know I live right next to Redmond Washington. All these Microsoft Millionaires just hang aound my daughter's school waiting for an opportunity like this.

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author

Millionaires are only our stepping stones. Can you slyly ask if they know any billionaires? Say crafty things like, "Hey, is that Gates's car over there?" Or, "Are you going to that little party Bezos is throwing?" Soft pedal it.

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founding

Tell Jared Leto I said "Hi!"

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I want in!

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author

Okay, okay. I'm wracking my brains to create now exec job titles. What do you think of Executive Liaison for Outreach to the Peeled Grape Industry?

Oh, heck, your first duty is to invent your own high-highfalutin title.

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Collector of toe jam.

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founding

GDmmit— I’m in, Chuck! Sign me up as a staff writer.

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author

Relax! We can get AI to write under your byline. That way you can spend more time designing our virtual camp at Burning Man. It's only a few weeks out, Kerri. We've got the space next to Facebook's virtual camp site, and we need to impress. Impress! Also, we need to wrangle a team of virtual celebrities to people our camp. See if virtual Jerrod Leto is available.

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founding

I’m on it, Sir! I could wrastle up my friends— Eagles of Death Metal to play! But, that’s not a virtual friendship… ha!

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